the last day of 2008...

it is the last day of 2008...

i find myself sprinting towards 2009...

as i woke up this morning...i started thinking about this past year...the funny thing is that...although there was some stuff that happened that i wished didn't...it did...

going into 2008...i remember thinking that i wanted a better year than the prior one...i didn't want to be in the same place that i was...i never imagined in a million years that my heart would be broken as it was...truth be told...how could it be broken when i really wasn't in a committed relationship..the problem was...that in my eyes...i was committed...i didn't want to be with anyone else...see anyone else...he thought differently...the hardest part was that he didn't feel the need to let me know...
i lost a relationship...but more than that...i lost someone who was a big part of my life...a confidant...a daily "check-in" friend...

i also lost my dear friend carol to cancer...she was a friend...a mentor...a fighter...a beautiful beautiful woman...

and these two events happened within a week of each other...

and in these two events...i learned a multitude of lessons...

i believe that sometimes God needs to really shake things up in your life to get your attention...
my life...although devoted to Him...was a convenience at times...when i needed Him...i wanted Him there...but when things were going along fine...well...i lived my life for Him...but it was in idle mode at times...

God shook things up this year for me...and i am forever grateful...my life has changed...it is completely different than where it was last year...the funny thing...is that there is nothing tangible to show for it...but in my heart...things are different...

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

my hope was not planted in the Lord 100%...i thought it was...but when my world came crumbling down...i realized how much hope i had placed in people...in a person...and when all my hope was crushed...and i had nothing to fall back on...

well...back up here...i did have something to fall back on...but it was in that glimpse of loss of hope...that i saw...my hope was in the wrong person...

people will always let you down...i will let others down...we are human...the only place where we can truly place our hope...and know that it will not come crashing down...well that hope is in the Lord...

i do not know what 2009 holds for me...what i do know...is that i am going into it with such excitement...such eagerness...such boldness...

a portion of my devotional today read...
this was human hope. That kind of hope is in limited quantity, and when it runs out, you are left drained, discouraged, disappointed and …hopeless! Oh, it may masquerade as “hope,” but it is completely different from the hope that God provides. God’s hope renews and refreshes. It empowers, uplifts, and strengthens. God’s hope does not disappoint! There is an unlimited supply of God’s hope. God knew I had been clinging to human hope, and He knew that last 1% of weak, feeble hope would run out. He wanted me to cling to Him, the God of true, lasting, unlimited hope. So, as I wiped my tears, I waited as the winds of God’s hope blew my way. My circumstances were still the same, but my heart was now filled with the hope that only God can provide.

that truly summarizes how i feel at this moment...my circumstances are still the same...but my heart is filled with such hope...i know that i know that God will provide for me everything that i need at the right time...

the most exciting thing about 2009 for me...is that i have absolutely no expectations...so all i am left with...is to see the wonderful surprises God has in store for me...
what could be better than that? seriously!!

dear Lord...thank you for your wonderful, everlasting hope. please help me to always put my hope in You and You alone...thank you that with you all things are possible...

and to my faithful readers...my hope for you is that 2009 will bring you peace and joy...and an abundance of new memories...

tender moments...

tender moments...

they come at you when you least expect it...gotta be alert to catch them...

i am having a tender moment right now...

as most of my friends know...coffee in the morning is a neccessity...so this morning as my coffee was brewing...i decided to sit down and check out some stuff on facebook...

i sit on my couch...put my laptop in my lap...smell the java brewing...and then the tender moment happens...

sasha...my younger kitty...decides that he wants to climb into my lap...he snuggles between the laptop and me...pushes his little tushy until the spot is just right...looks up at me...stretches his neck up and gives me a little kiss...

tender moment...so here i am wanting my coffee...but do not have the heart to push him off my lap...he has now curled up into a tiny ball...his little tush...slightly over the laptop..his face cuddled in the nook of my arm...his head moving to the typing from my hand...

sasha does sit in my lap...but it is usually only at the end of the day...when he is done with all his playing and shennanigans...

this morning...he went straight for my lap...needing a little time with mom...

the coffee will have to wait...

tender moments need to be treasured...and enjoyed...in the moment...

the in-between...

the week following christmas has always seemed like such a strange time for me...

there is the big realization that christmas is over...kind of like a wedding...all the planning...and bam...it's over...

then there is the anticipation of the new year's eve celebrations...and the start of a new year...

the last week of the year...i tend to just want to hibernate...sleep it away...but what i usually end up doing is a lot of thinking...sometimes a bit too much thinking...

i analyze the year...what went right...what went wrong...what i could have done better...what i could have done more of...what i could have done less of...

it is a time of reflection...but also...it is a time of refreshing...a time to think about what i would like to change...work on...make better...not only for me...but for those around me...those that are in my life...

there are the standards...balancing your life so that there is equal time of work, play and alone time...

one of the things that i seem to focus more on...as i get older...is spending quality time on myself...and giving of myself to others...seems like two opposites...but i have found...that if you do not give time to yourself...you have very little to give others...

as resolutions are made...and broken...i myself want to be realistic in my approach to the new year...but i also want to push myself...to better myself...to clean out the bad or the time consuming things that bring nothing into my life...

i want to stretch myself...to learn more...to give more...to soar...

how do i do this? for me...it starts with prayer...really digging deep and realizing what the Lord's will in my life is...what He would like me to do...i feel as i continue in my walk with Him...draw closer to Him...i ultimately am in His will for my life...as He directs and leads me...as i am open to His promptings...

there is an excitement for the new year...the last quarter of this year has been one of alot of changing...re-arranging...deep healing...growing...forgiving...and a hard look at my life...where it is at...where i thought it would be...where i hope it will be...

the new year has a look of newness...adventure...surprises...

what remains the same...are my close knit circle of family and friends...and my Lord and Savior leading me...

i am fully equipped to move forward...moving forward with anticipation and excitement...

i have no idea what 09 has in store for me...but i am ready...truly ready...

christmas after blues...

the day after christmas...

weird feeling...to say the least...to early to be thinking of new years eve...but yet...all the preparation for christmas...now done...over with...

if i were honest...as i try to be on my blog...it is a bit of a disappointment...not because of christmas...because christmas was wonderful...but the fact that it is over...just like that...

i am back home...after a whirlwind of get-togethers...and celebrations...and i'm tired...really tired...but it is a good feeling...a feeling of fullness...i got my fill of love...laughter...new memories...and togetherness with everyone i wanted to be with...

my tree is still lit...the lights are still twinkling...but there is a bit of sadness that seems to linger in the air...

but as i think about that...i can't quite put my finger on why...because although the holiday is over...the feelings of togetherness and family and love and laughter...well...they continue...

celebrations just need to continue in other ways...

if truth be told...i am pretty excited about ending this year...not because i'm rushing to get any older ;o)...but i...for the first time...in a really long time...feel really good about my future...i'm not quite sure why...but i do...so i will leave it at that...and not try and explain something that i don't even understand...

what i know...is that this was a year of learning...i learned some hard lessons...but i faced them head on...took the lessons...applied the lessons...and became stronger and more aware of what i want and don't want in my life...i also learned more about myself...how i so easily can put myself on the back burner...for others...while there is really nothing wrong with that...i learned that...i can't contribute fully to others...when i am not complete...

i am finally realizing what is really important in my life...what i want in my life...

so as i am a little sad that christmas is over...and i need to once again...pack away the decorations...the music...

i focus on all the good that i can look forward to...

here's an early toast to a new year...here's looking forward to wonderful 09...

christmas day...

it is christmas day...as dreary as the day is outside so far...pouring rain & hail...my heart is filled to overflowing...family & friends surround me...laughter...new memories are being made...

i absolutely love this time of year...always have...always will...but it is not just for one reason...
sure the festivities are wonderful...the music...the lights...the christmas tree...all of it...i love and treasure...

but the main reason for christmas...the reason for the season...

God sent His son...to this world...to be born in a lonely manger...not a setting fit for a king...but he came...none the less...because of His love for you & me...He came so that we would know a better life...

i am overwhelmed by His love towards me...

wishing all my readers a wonderful joyous christmas day...may you be surrounded by those you love and cherish...but most of all...may you feel His love and peace in a special way this year...

i leave you with another one of my favorite christmas songs...

"mary, did you know?"


Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will one day walk on water?
Did you know
That your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
That your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you've delivered
Will soon deliver you

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Did you know
That your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand?
Did you know
That your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
And when you kiss your little boy
Youve kissed the face of god

Mary, did you know?
The blind will see
The deaf will hear
And the dead will live again
The lame will leap
The dumb will speak
The praises of the lamb

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy is lord of all creation?
Did you know
That your baby boy will one day rules the nations?
Did you know
That your baby boy is heavens perfect lamb?
This sleeping child youre holding
Is the great I am

christmas eve morning...

it is christmas eve morning...as i sit in my living room...it is still a bit dark out...the christmas tree lights are twinkling...it is raining outside...

the neighborhood is starting to wake up...there is the occasional car that drives by...

i sit in the quiet...reflecting on the true meaning of christmas...the message of christmas that so easily gets lost in the hustle and bustle of getting the tree up...buying the right gifts...getting them wrapped...figuring out where christmas celebrations will be spent...

but this morning...i reflect on isaiah 9:6

for unto us a child is born...unto us a son is given...and the government shall be upon his shoulder...and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father...and The Prince of Peace is He...

He has been all these things to me...i don't know anything different...

He came to this world...the King of Kings...born in a manger...no fan fare...no nothing...came to save the world...

He saved me...

this year...especially in the last 3 months...3 difficult months...His peace has enveloped me as i never could have imagined...He truly is the Prince of Peace...

this christmas eve...as i reflect on Him...i am thankful for all that He is to me...more than what He has given me...in way of family and friends...although all of that is so important to me...

most importantly is my relationship with Him...without it...i do not know where i would be today...He is my rock...my source of comfort...my source of peace...my strength...my father...my everything...

my evening with jack...

yesterday i met a young man named jack...big brown eyes...full of life...and shopping for his mom...

he showed up at nordies with his grandma & grandpa...in his pocket...many wrinkled dollar bills...
i asked if there was something i could help them with...jack looked up at me...and said..."i need help to find my mom the best present"

now there is a job you want to fulfill as best you can!

i asked him to tell me about his mom...what colors she likes...etc...he was able to answer all my questions so eloquently...

jack is 4 yrs old...i've had men come in shopping for their girlfriends...for their wives...not having a clue about the questions i asked...and here is jack...4 yrs old...and he knows his mom very well...

as we were looking for the perfect gift...i striked up a conversation with jack...and after 5 minutes...he just comes up to me...and grabs my legs to hug me...a full bear hug! guess we had an instant connection!

talking with jack...i found that he had saved this money from doing chores at grandma & grandpa's house...and his mom had no idea that he had this money...she was in for a wonderful surprise...

in our economy...jack had a nice little bundle...enough to buy his mom a beautiful scarf...as he helped me uncrumple his bills...and sort out all his quarters...i asked if he wanted to help me wrap his mom's gift...his eyes showed pure delight...his love for his mom was so apparent...

in that 10 minute interaction...i received 4 hugs from jack...his grandparents were a little surprised...telling me how he is very distant when he first meets people...

i wished them a beautiful christmas...and they took off...

about an hour later...i took my dinner break...normally i just go to the cafe...but being that it was already so late...they had closed...so i ventured out in the mall to bodeen's...i placed my order...waited for my order...and then set out to find a nice quiet table...as i sat down...about a minute later...jack is at my side...smiling ear to ear...his bright beautiful big brown eyes shining...

"can you be my date for dinner?" he asked...

ok...how can anyone say no? i was honored...i picked up my tray...took his hand and walked over to their table...

i had one of the most wonderful dinner dates...who knew that a 4 yr old boy named jack...could...just by being himself...warm the heart of a stranger as he did...

as i was driving home last nite...thinking about the day...it was well past midnite at this point...i remembered my prayer on the same day to work...i had asked the Lord to help me through my day...that i would be able to let His light shine through me...and at the end of the prayer...i remembered that i had added...and Lord..let me see a burst of your love today...

He brought it in the way of jack...a beautiful 4 yr old boy...loving his mom...loving those around him...