silence...in prayer...

a couple of times i have had the misfortune to be sitting before my computer screen...diligently working on a document...when the network jams and the screen goes blank...i sit there in horror and disbelief...staring at that blank screen...thinking that surely i'm dreaming...and...in just a moment...the words will reappear...but no, the document is gone...and since i had not remembered to save it...the document is gone to the obscure land of lost computer words...

sometimes i have had that same experience with prayer...when everything is going great...no trouble, no crisis...praying is easy...God seems to be sitting right there with me...and we can commune as friend with friend...

but there have been times when such a heavy crisis loomed over my life that my prayer screen seemed to go dark...the blank screen looked back at me in mockery...how frightening! i would feel so very alone and empty...i would try to reach out to God...but it felt like there was no one there...my fear and desperation seemed to short-circuit the prayer connection...and just when i needed God the most...i couldn't find Him...

i don't have a good explanation for why this happens...i think it is because the storm is just crashing so loudly that it drowns out all communication...

so, what to do? feeling cut off from our power source is a huge crisis for a christian...how can we get to God? i suspect that each christian who has faced this crisis has a plan...but i can share my plan and say that this is what works for me...

when my heart is breaking and the darkness surrounds my thoughts, i simply have to wait in silence...never before has psalm 46:10 meant so much to me as it does in this situation..."be still, and know that i am God." God already knows my heart, my pain, and my prayer...the Spirit has seen to that...so what i can do is be still...i must sit still in the presence of God, whether i can feel Him there or not...

i think that apostle paul had this same problem in mind when he wrote about it in romans...
in the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. we do not know what we ought to pray, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express...and he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. 8:26-27

what an encouraging promise...to know that God's spirit broods over our desolation when we cannot pray and responds with understanding and power until we can pray again...just sit still in the presence of God...no words are necessary...

the second realization that gives me courage during these kinds of times is this: when i find i cannot pray...i can live in trust...despite the desolation i experience and the desperation that overwhelms me...i can remember other days when things have been different...i try to think about the times when i felt the very nearness of God...when my spirit soared as i walked with the Lord...and, remembering those times, i affirm those peak moments with trust...i try to focus and reclaim the certainties that once centered my faith...knowing that the Spirit is praying for me the prayer that i cannot pray for myself...

then one day the wonderful moment comes when the storm clouds begin to roll away...when the darkness is once again, slowly, replaced by light...and God's presence breaks through within me again...the Spirit helped me in my weakness and in my darkness...it is a gift...

with all my heart...i believe that the prayers of silence can be the most powerful prayers of all...just "be still, and know"...and the Spirit does the rest...

to jennifer with love...

just received an email from a wonderful woman judy that i met years ago in choir...
on the one hand...i am touched that in all that she is going through...she took the time to send me the email...knowing i would want to know...but on the other hand...such sad news...

i met her daughter jennifer when i was teaching kid's kingdom children's choir...jennifer had brought her daughter to choir...i instantly connected with the child hayley...and hayley connected with me...we would always joke how i was the second mother...there was also a strong connection between jennifer & i...every conversation was filled with laughter...

hayley loves to sing...it was very apparent in choir...

jennifer has been sick for a very very long time...she past away yesterday...leaving three children...

hayley had promised her mom that she would sing steven curtis chapman's song "cinderella" at the memorial service...she sang it yesterday for the hospice social worker, the chaplain & the family...her grandmother says it was beautiful...without being there...i know it was...

rest in peace sweet jennifer...you will be missed...

"death leaves a heartache no one can heal...love leaves a memory no one can steal"

a call to anguish...

one of my all time favorite speakers...david wilkerson...this man has such a heart for God...this video really impacted me...the word that comes to mind is...

complacency...i have to say...i am guilty of it...

there are really no words i can add to this...his passion cuts straight to your heart...

may it touch you as well...

You are everything i need...

this is such a beautiful portrayal of our Father's love for us...no matter where we are...what we are doing...what we are feeling...

He is there...

happy blogaversary to me...

happy blogaversary to me!

one year ago today...and 241 posts later...i am celebrating my one year...woo-hoo! i almost feel like i should have a slice of chocolate cake...

so what has this year meant to me? i have to say when i started out...i was a bit apprehensive...i mean...i am pretty much an open book...where i can't really hide my feelings in my expressions and actions...but in the same respect...i am a pretty private person when it comes to my "stuff"...so i wondered how indepth i would get...but i chose to take it one day at a time...

some days were easy to write...others...well not so much...some days were therapuetic...some days felt like i had a looming homework assignment that i didn't want to get to...but most days...it felt good to post my feelings...and on the tough days...when i truly was writing just to release some emotions...the emails and comments would come trickling in...and i started to see...that through my openess & honesty...i was helping others going through similar situations...

i am still pondering whether i will re-read from day one...a part of me wants to...a part of me doesn't want to be reminded of the hard times that hit me this year...although i think it would be great to see my growth over the past year...and see...as my profile description states...that all in all...He has got it all in control...

i am now looking at starting a 2nd blog...one solely based on fashion...requested by clients and friends...it is a huge undertaking...but i am up for the challenge...

to my faithful readers...thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts...thank you for your encouragement...thank you for the precious comments and emails...

what do i do with what i have been given...?

the condition of human suffering has long been debated in christian circles...and when the suffering falls on a tiny child, it makes even less sense to people who believe in a loving God...

do i believe God willed that my friends precious baby boy would suffer just so He could teach them more about His love? and when friends told them they felt that timmy had been born to the "right" parents, were they explaining away a choice they felt God had made? were they saying that God consciously decided to "reward" their family with a handicapped child?

it is never the will of God for anyone to suffer. God does not cause suffering, and He does not make little children grow up in bodies that are broken and weak...

sometimes adults bring pain and suffering on themselves by disobeying the rules of nature and not caring for themselves and their physical bodies...sometimes human carelessness causes pain and suffering, as in automobile accidents...and sometimes living in a finite and imperfect world results in illness and suffering...our bodies interact with many influences...both genetic and environmental...mortality is a fact of life...but none of these things reflect God's justice...as i understand it...

how then can a loving Creator allow us to live in a world where we daily face cancer, death, disease, fear, and pain? time after time we have all been a part of a caring group that has prayed long and hard for a cure or a recovery...only to have ultimately lost the battle and experienced illness and death anyway...how can this be?

does God have a weekly quota of illnesses to distribute and selectively bestow on the people "most likely to succeed"?

i can never believe that! instead, i feel the world is set up in a way in which both good and evil are at work...both wellness and sickness exist...both sadness and happiness are available for our taking...pain is a natural part of life...germs, viruses, amd malignant tumors are a part of the real world...when we are alive in an imperfect world, we have to take all the good and bad together...life is not fair...and this is where the love of God comes in...

through the grace of our loving God, we can move beyond the question of "why?" and move instead to the question of "what do i do with what i have been given?" this is the meaning of being human, created in the image of God...we are free to make positive choices that can take a very bad situation and turn it into an opportunity for experiencing His grace, His strength, His presence, and His love...

suffering can help us explore the limits of our capacity for knowing God; it leads us to discover our own depths of perseverance and strength...as we begin to see our tragedy in the context of a mostly good life, we can begin to know God...

the love of God exists in its strongest and purest form in the very midst of suffering and tragedy...we do not love God because He protects us from all sorrow and all harm...we love Him because loving Him makes us better and stronger in sorrow and pain...we love Him because He is the source of our hope and courage in an imperfect world...

God did not cause timmy's disability...it happened because we live in a world of imperfection and defects...but His infinite mercy has led my friends, timmy's parents, hour by hour...day by day...month by month to new depths of coping...

God works with us where we are and helps us move toward where we can be...

aahhh luxury...

engage in a little fantasy...suppose you had an entire day with no responsibility, no schedule, no demands on your time or energy...for an entire day, you could put yourself in the lap of luxury...what would the day look like? what is your most defined sense of pleasure?

maybe a long walk in the woods where you lose all sense of time, walking in the sheer pleasure of good health and stamina...

maybe a day at the spa with attendants catering to your every whim...

maybe time alone with your love, enjoying the luxury of uninterrupted pleasure, communicating...appreciating the companionship...

maybe an entire day to wander in and out of antique shops with whatever money you need to buy whatever you want...

maybe a day at home alone just enjoying your own company...

what is it that would be a luxury for you?

so now, i ask: is luxury all about money? expensive places and things? in some ways, yes...it takes money to buy some leisure activities...a day at the spa is not cheap...but luxury may be more about time, relationships, and experiences...

luxury is a condition of abundance, something that provides pleasure but is not absolutely necessary...a sumptuous environment...it may be a place in your home to spend quiet times with all your favorite things around you...time to enjoy the sunday paper...good health...personal strength...beautiful memories...an afternoon nap...sleeping late...one daisy in a blue bottle...all are luxuries...all are things that make life extra nice...that provide pleasure...little things that add up to luxury...

so is luxury something you can buy? not always...more often...luxury is making the most of what you have...