finding solitude

by henri nouwen

"all human beings are alone. no other person will completely feel like we do, think like we do, act like we do. each of us is unique, and our aloneness is the other side of our uniqueness. the question is whether we let our aloneness become loneliness or whether we allow it to lead us into solitude. loneliness is painful; solitude is peaceful. loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.

letting our aloneness grow into solitude and not into loneliness is a lifelong struggle. it requires conscious choices about whom to be with, what to study, how to pray, and when to ask for counsel. but wise choices will help us find the solitude where our hearts can grow in love."

i am a single woman, and living a life gifted to me by God. I have a wonderful family and incredible friends. I have had opportunities to travel to many beautiful places around the world...

but singleness is hard...really hard.

the kind of companionship i ache for some days...i don't have...somedays it hits me harder than others...maybe i'll see a loving couple happily enjoying the day...or perhaps a movie prompts some thought (i know...its a movie ;o)), or maybe some great thing happens to me...and i want to call that "special someone" in my life...

this feeling constantly drives me to seek answers from God, and the answer i consistently receive is "keep hoping."

what kind of response is that?

not knowing the answers invites the practice of faith in one of the most raw areas of my life. though it is pretty pointless to use my limited understanding to critique God's plans...and though i still often ask why...in my solitude i am learning to focus more on what my purpose is during this "season" in my life. what is God creating in me through this experience?

in Mark 9:17-27, a distraught father brings his suffering son to Jesus to be healed. Jesus asks the man if he believes his boy can be healed, and the man replies, in desperation, "i do believe; help my unbelief!"

i love this prayer; it is so wonderfully honest. in our darkest times, when we come to the end of ourselves and have tasted loneliness past what we think we are able to bear, we too can cry out to Jesus for help and hope.

i've had nights of such loneliness and disappointment that i've wrestled with God and refused to let go. i felt i knew how things should work out...and frustrated that things were not happening the way i envisioned. although i feel wounded at times, i know that He's with me, because Psalm 34:18 says, "the Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
as i cry out for faith, i come to know His broken heart in ways only the brokenhearted can. after all, God knows what it is to long for something you don't have; he's longed for the affection of his loved ones for centuries.

God has made me the woman i am; years of being single have allowed me the opportunity to learn who this woman is. i have learned that it is much easier and less exhausting to just be myself. God knows better than anyone who I really am. i believe He wants a man to love me for the woman He made me to be. He knows when i give who i really am to the right man, the groundwork is laid out for a powerful union. i am finding freedom in allowing others to know me for who i am.

Jeremiah 29:11 "for i know the plans i have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah's words are a reminder from the Lord that whatever my future holds, it's in His hands.

in the meantime, God continues to build my faith, increase my reliance on Him, and gently reveal to me who i am - a woman with a greater capacity for love and a greater capacity to bring Him glory.