when in waiting...

waiting...

the waiting can drive me crazy...but i realize it is a part of this life...and not everything comes easy...

when in waiting it's as though you can hear every tick and every tock...

during the promise it's as though you can't imagine that the clock even struck all day...

the trial is during the waiting...every tick with faith and every tock with praise...

the test is during the promise...will i still pray? will i still seek?

will i still remember what it is like to wait?

tick, tock, shhh...can you hear His heartbeat for you? tick, tock, shhh...do you hear the pounding to the nails on the wrist to the cross...it is His heartbeat for you...you are loved...i am loved...

when we are in it...the trials and tribulations...there are many questions...and many silent times...no answers...no sign of an ending...no relief...only the deafening sound of silence...

each one of us at one point or another...have had our trials and tests...when i think about this past year...i am still in shock at the hits and jolts that i have been through...and yet...i am still standing...running and soaring...

i have become who i am because of the many tests i have gone through...i am who i am because i have allowed God to walk me through gently even when i could not understand why...

as i think back over the year...so many lessons...and so many rewards...through the tears...the laughter somehow comes...

so what do you do when in the midst of it? many times...i started going down the path of "what is the use?" these last few weeks have been like that...when you find yourself back in a place you thought you wouldn't be...i know that the next few weeks will be just as tough...and although i have so many unanswered questions...i find myself fighting not to stay there...in the place of giving up...in the place of "here we go again" because in the "big" picture...i know that there is a rainbow waiting...

so what tiny morsels do i live by? what do i do...when i don't feel like doing anything?
what do i think about...when i don't want to think about the trial...

here are just a few...
give...when you don't have it to give...find some way...be creative...

life is what you trust God it to be...approach each day ready to live...

and i tell myself...it won't be this way forever...

as for me, these past few years i have learned that people truly are to be loved no matter what...they are your brothers and sisters in Christ...they may act out of anger, but they do not know what they are really, truly doing or they wouldn't have...others may show hate to you one day and a few years later realize what they did wasn't right - always be ready to forgive...who am i to harbor unforgiveness? i have done the same...God forgive me...

God will take away, but i am learning that He has to, to create all that He wants to within us...He will not only take away, but He will add to your life more than you could have ever hoped or imagined...in His special way...and i know...even though at times...i need to remind myself...it's for my good...

my pain - He has taken care of it in time in the past...and He will again...now...
their pain - He'll take care of that as well...so be ready...

so many times these past few years i have said under my breath, "why take that O God, please not that, not that person, not her, not him, they are my funnest and favorite" He would remain silent and send then on their way and give me hope through His Word and others' words of encouragement...

so as i am in a period of waiting...and if you are as well...i leave these words for you...but also for myself...

be encouraged in the waiting - while you are on your way to where you are going...enjoy...God's timing is perfect, being frustrated will not make Him hurry...enjoy today, because right now is all you & i have...

so as i sit in my silence...with tears flowing...because i know of God's faithfulness...God is undeniable...
i wipe my tears...and know that i must continue on with my day...dispite the pain...i have responsibilities that i need to attend to...and God decides to pour in my spirit as i sit in my dark room with my laptop at this very moment...maybe just for you and me...the waiting...it is not convenient...but i feel the tick and tock of His heart...He is near...

feeling vulnerable...

being vulnerable...such a scary place...

when you've had your heart broken a few times...when you've had confidences betrayed...when you've thought someone was there for you...only to find out...that it was you that was there for them...and they used it up...till they didn't need it anymore...

i have always been careful not to get jaded by disappointments...meaning that because one person does something to you that is out of character...or maybe in character...but you were in denial to see it...however it comes at you...it is easy to generalize...and start thinking that "everyone" is like that...and everytime it happens "again" it is easy to let those feelings pile up until you feel it is easier to just curl up in a ball...and not take a risk anymore...

many of the risks i've taken in allowing someone in my life have turned out wonderful...and i focus on those relationships...not the broken ones...not the ones that left me shattered...not the ones that left me feeling like i possibly was a bad judge of character...

these last two weeks were hard...i'm not going to pretend that they weren't...and someone very special to me...just disappeared...with no word...no discussion...nothing...

feelings from that come in so many forms...feeling like you are not good enough (again)...feeling like you could have done more (why do we make it our fault?)...feeling completely side-swiped...feeling clueless...

i think the hardest thing to accept when someone leaves our lives without a word...you are left to deal with your own scenarios of what took place in their head...and your heart...

through all the disappointments in my life...during those healing processes and in the midst of it all...one thing i know is that i have become stronger as a result of them all...during the hard times...my prayer to God is for healing and strength...God has continually shown me and helped me grow through the changes...and i know and believe that He will never abandon me...

so as i find myself during a time of unanswered questions and hurts...there are moments that i truly wish i was doing better...but i know that i am doing the best that i can in this time...as friends rally around me...i've broken down in tears in front of them...and sometimes i wish i didn't...because i don't want them to see me like that...so vulnerable and weak...but a very dear friend of mine reminded me that it is alright to be weak...especially in the situation that i am in...life is all about experiences and the emotions that come with it...so i should always look forward and to never let any circumstance take away my joy.

another friend wrote me...

"Here’s what I know we are responsible for. Acknowledging our legitimate needs, having the confidence to voice them to the people we are in relationship with, and then expecting for them to be respected, honored and responded to. When the other persons response is ‘I care about you…I’ve got too much going on right now…I want you in my life..but I can’t give you what you need’ I think we then sell ourselves short by thinking we are asking for too much. That’s when we allow other people’s comfort to supersede our real needs and in the process we devalue ourselves and settle for what is comfortable. We are worth being pursued, respected, sacrificed for…and I think that is what we want to do for the person we are in relationship with. There are some aspects that absolutely have to be reciprocal to make a relationship work.

Love you….."

staying focused and seeing what it is that keeps me smiling and staying positive is what has been helping me stay strong. i've fallen short of my strength many times...but i couldn't have pulled through as best as i have without the tremendous support of my family and friends...i have built great friendships and cherish every single one...listening to my heart and knowing that i have many shoulders to lean on has reminded me of all the wonderful people in my life...

so that is why...even though being vulnerable is a huge risk...i believe from the bottom of my heart...that it is the way i want to remain...open and honest...willing to take chances...for in taking chances...amongst the few that possibly may hurt you...there are the many...who have become such an integral part of my life...and those...i wouldn't trade in for the world...

for tears and laughter...

for tears and laughter

i am grateful, God, for tears.

for the ability to cry.

how marvelously you made us

that we are equipped with this

way to express our emotions.

quick tears to relieve the sudden hurt.

or the times when we are touched,

too moved to speak.

or when deeper sorrows come,

that we have this fierce

and wonderful cleansing.

this release that helps to wash away the

very grief our crying demonstrates.

how You must love us that You thus provided for us.

no other being has it, no insect, bird or beast.

only man and woman made in Your likeness.

we are the only creatures who can cry.

Jesus wept, as we weep.

our very own tears are testimony to Your fatherhood.

we too are your sons and daughters.

thank you for this proof,

and for this healing outlet,

the ability to cry.

and thank you, Lord, for laughter.

and for all the people who can bring it about,

make us see the funny side of things.

the world is so full of anguish;

life itself sometimes seems so grim.

thank you that in Your vast understanding

You gave us laughter to make us forget,

to restore our wounded spririts, brighten the journey,

lighten the load.

just as You saved tears for human beings,

You blessed us alone with laughter.

and surely this too is a clue to Your very nature.

a nature akin to our own.

thank you for this blessing, Lord.

this shining gift of laughter.

(author unknown)

another day in the dark...

what do you do...when you don't know what to do?

i think this for me is one of the hardest things...to sit still...and to wait...i can do that for a while...pretty well actually...but when the hour turns to 1/2 day...and the 1/2 day turns to a full day...and then you need to endure the nite...only to wake up...with no answer...only knowing...that you are about to go through it another day...

this is where faith comes in...and it is a constant battle...a constant time of reminding myself...of where i place my trust...and do i truly believe that He has got it all in control...and as i tell myself that i do believe...i question why i start to take the reigns back...maybe i should try this...maybe i should have done that...

the wonderful thing about the Lord...i believe He understands these battles we have...i'm sure He is sitting there shaking His head...knowing that i am putting more pressure on the struggle then needs to be there...

but...it is hard for me...it is hard to sit...and wait...and wait...without a glimmer of a sign that possibly He has heard me...

but what i know for sure...is that He has heard me...and He does have everything under control...especially when i don't see it...

thank you Lord...

nothing to blog about...

i just sat in front of an empty blog screen for 45 minutes...i'm guessing at this point...i don't have anything to write about...truth be told...my mind is racing in so many directions...and i can't seem to pin point one area to write about...

so what do i do?

do i write about nothing...and hope that it turns into something? or do i just close it up...and call it a "blog-free" day...

there is a part of me that feels the need to write every day...monday to friday...weekends off...and i think i have only missed a few days...here and there...vacation or holiday...or a real big "i have nothing to write" day...

what is this sense of obligation i feel? i feel bad when i miss a day...or i feel like i better have a pretty good reason for not writing...

i'm really not writing for anyone but me...but as it trickles out...from my head and heart...to the masses...maybe one reads it...maybe ten...maybe none...sometimes i am left feeling like i bare my soul...other days...i just feel the need to put in words where i'm at...sometimes it is a good place...sometimes...not so much...but it all comprises into this capsule of my thoughts...

so i guess i can write without really writing anything...if that makes any sense...i once heard a speaker who spoke on blogging...and she said that when you hit a dry spell...just start typing whatever comes to mind...talk about what you did...what you feel...talk about the fact that you have nothing to talk about...and usually...in that...you somehow come out with a theme of some sort...

so i guess my blog today...is about not having anything to really blog about...but feeling the need to blog anyway...

hey...it's my blog...therefore it's my perogative...

if it's not here...it probably doesn't exist...

i can hardly stand it...

in a little over a week...i will be...at the place that i have dreamed of...for years and years and years...

every vintage lovers dream...i have been an avid collector of vintage clothing, handbags & jewelry...i love mixing it with contemporary...to come up with "my" own look...i have been to many flea markets...estate sales...goodwill shops...antique stores...and have found some incredible pieces...pieces that i have had over many many years...and can still work into my wardrobe now...that is what is so cool about vintage...

so for this vintage girl...the fact that i have never been to this wonderful place...is baffling...but soon...i will be able to experience...the wonderful world of:

the rose bowl flea market...

here is the website description of this phenominal place...i cannot wait! i especially love the last line..."if it's not here...it probably doesn't exist"

Boasting more than 2,500 vendors and a customer base that includes a roster of Hollywood stars, the Rose Bowl Flea Market has continued to attract serious collectors, bargain hunters and novice shoppers to one of the world’s greatest outdoor marketplaces for the past 39 years. Guaranteed to have something for everyone, vendors come stocked every second Sunday of the month with vintage items, home furnishings, hand-made crafts and collectable pieces. Thousands flock to the West’s best treasure hunt to peruse the wares and negotiate prices, come rain or shine.

Name the item and the Rose Bowl Flea Market is bound to have it. Whether it be vintage costume jewelry, antique furniture or a circa 1960’s G.I. Joe collectible lunchbox, the Rose Bowl Flea Market is the place to search for it, find it and bargain for it. Head-and-shoulders above the ordinary local swap-meets and garage sales, many vendors are specialists in their area of expertise and the quality of merchandise sold at the Flea Market reflects that. True to flea market fashion, Rose Bowl vendors begin setup before sunrise and ready themselves for the early bird buyers looking for the perfect items. Patrons include international buyers shopping for their own stores, as well as local customers and celebrities seeking personal treasures. A one-stop venue for many bargain hunters, shoppers who feel they received a good deal on any item purchased can have it appraised at the Rose Bowl Flea Market before heading out to showcase their find.

Increasingly, today’s Rose Bowl Flea Market buyer is younger and more “cool” than in recent years. A new generation has re-discovered the event as a way to furnish a new apartment or do a makeover, find something musical or amazing to amuse friends, culled unique clothing for their closets—and done it all at an affordable price.

Just as diverse as the buyers are the vendors who have come from different walks of life, as well. Some are regular denizens of the outdoor-market circuit, yet others with customary weekday jobs like to showcase their hobby or passion and sell their merchandise one Sunday a month. Some sellers own brick-and-mortar retail stores and make a monthly Pasadena trek to introduce their product to a completely new audience, thereby building their clientele. Additionally, the overhead difference between renting retail space and the Flea Market is so great it often means that the savings are passed onto shoppers who may secure bargains normally not received in stores.

To make it easier for a variety of customers to do as much browsing and purchasing as possible, sellers are often grouped into sections creating more than five miles of shop-able booths. Areas that continue to expand every year include: antiques, vintage clothing, arts and crafts, as well as new-and-unusual products.

“It’s often said that you can’t experience the Rose Bowl Flea Market in one Sunday, since new and original merchandise is brought in continuously every month,” said R.G. Canning, creator and producer of the famous Rose Bowl Flea Market. “Every year, new vendors become part of our Flea Market family because of the wide array of people that come in the thousands to see what’s new, what’s old and what’s different. You’re guaranteed to find something you didn’t see the first time, and sometimes you just might find yourself browsing next to Hollywood royalty!”

The Rose Bowl Flea Market has cornered the niche on being the place to shop, as well as watch celebrities bargain shop. Among the Flea Market’s V.I.P. list are: Academy Award winners Clint Eastwood and Whoopi Goldberg; music icons Madonna and Cher; funny men Rob Schneider and George Hamilton; First Lady of California, Maria Shriver and fashionistas Gwen Stefani and Ashley Olsen.

Whether you’re decorating your first home, adding trend-setting items to your wardrobe, looking for the perfect gift or just wanting to know what the celebs are buying these days, the Rose Bowl Flea Market is the only place to shop and be entertained at a bargain price…if it’s not here, it probably doesn’t exist!

the affects of a closet cleaning...

so my quest for a simplistic clean home continues...

today i tackled one of my three walk-in closets...what lies beyond...was what i was thinking...as i opened the door to the jam packed closet of "junk"

what i realized is that a person needs to move fairly often in their lifetime...otherwise...they start to accumulate...and accumulate...and well...accumulate...

i have been in my home well over 15 years or so...and the contents of this closet showed it...

i found out some stuff about myself...some made me smile...some made me a little sad...some made me glad i was where i am today...

who knew that the cleansing of a closet could have such a profound affect on me...

the lingering task that i knew needed to be tackled...and that lay beyond the confines of this closet door...were the years and years of checks & bank statements...i spent many hours today shredding...but...since my accountant had confirmed...that all i needed was to keep three years worth...i started with one envelope...the good thing...is that i didn't have 15 years worth...but pretty darn close... =) not anymore though...so i was triumphant!

while shredding...i came across many of my tithing checks that i had written over the years...this made me a little sad...not because of the tithing...but at the amounts that the checks were...it was true evidence that at one time i was bringing in some nice cash...not so much right now...
the economy has hit my business just like any other business...and i recalled how lately i have had those moments of almost embarrasment over my tithing checks...and even at times...thinking...how could this even make a dent...should i even bother putting it in the offering...

but while shredding...i really had to release that thought process...and instead...focus on the years that were very plentiful...the years that were ok...and the years that were down right hard...through it all...no matter what the paycheck was...i was always ok...and i know that i know...that that was God taking care of me...and i believe God was speaking to me...telling me that it is not the amount of the check...but my heart in giving...

through my journey in my closet...i stopped many times to gaze at pictures of my life...first...well...i have to say...i had me some big hair at times...and i know that i thought i looked half ok...it made me laugh...i also went through all pictures that showed all the wonderful places i have had the opportunity of visiting...many different countries...and different cultures...what a blessing...

and all the pictures of family and friends...parties & celebrations over the years...always surrounded by incredible wonderful people...another blessing...

the most incredible find...in my closet...was one of the first cashmere scarves i had ever bought from an "expensive" store...it was buried amongst many other scarves and shawls that i didn't wear much...this cashmere scarf was bought at i magnin...at one time...this was the elite dept store in san francisco...it doesn't exist anymore...and i remember the feeling when i bought it...because it was one of my first big splurges...

wow...talk about a vintage piece...

i am not quite done with the closet...all that is left is the reorganization of it...and to place all my items back that belong there...by my front door are many bags going to goodwill and many bags of shredded checks to go to recycle...

what a feeling...had i moved once or twice in the last 15 years...i'm sure half this junk would not have been there...or would it? guess we will never know...

the important thing now is that it is done...one down...two more to go...

i'm that much closer to my dream of a clean simplistic home...