feeling vulnerable...

being vulnerable...such a scary place...

when you've had your heart broken a few times...when you've had confidences betrayed...when you've thought someone was there for you...only to find out...that it was you that was there for them...and they used it up...till they didn't need it anymore...

i have always been careful not to get jaded by disappointments...meaning that because one person does something to you that is out of character...or maybe in character...but you were in denial to see it...however it comes at you...it is easy to generalize...and start thinking that "everyone" is like that...and everytime it happens "again" it is easy to let those feelings pile up until you feel it is easier to just curl up in a ball...and not take a risk anymore...

many of the risks i've taken in allowing someone in my life have turned out wonderful...and i focus on those relationships...not the broken ones...not the ones that left me shattered...not the ones that left me feeling like i possibly was a bad judge of character...

these last two weeks were hard...i'm not going to pretend that they weren't...and someone very special to me...just disappeared...with no word...no discussion...nothing...

feelings from that come in so many forms...feeling like you are not good enough (again)...feeling like you could have done more (why do we make it our fault?)...feeling completely side-swiped...feeling clueless...

i think the hardest thing to accept when someone leaves our lives without a word...you are left to deal with your own scenarios of what took place in their head...and your heart...

through all the disappointments in my life...during those healing processes and in the midst of it all...one thing i know is that i have become stronger as a result of them all...during the hard times...my prayer to God is for healing and strength...God has continually shown me and helped me grow through the changes...and i know and believe that He will never abandon me...

so as i find myself during a time of unanswered questions and hurts...there are moments that i truly wish i was doing better...but i know that i am doing the best that i can in this time...as friends rally around me...i've broken down in tears in front of them...and sometimes i wish i didn't...because i don't want them to see me like that...so vulnerable and weak...but a very dear friend of mine reminded me that it is alright to be weak...especially in the situation that i am in...life is all about experiences and the emotions that come with it...so i should always look forward and to never let any circumstance take away my joy.

another friend wrote me...

"Here’s what I know we are responsible for. Acknowledging our legitimate needs, having the confidence to voice them to the people we are in relationship with, and then expecting for them to be respected, honored and responded to. When the other persons response is ‘I care about you…I’ve got too much going on right now…I want you in my life..but I can’t give you what you need’ I think we then sell ourselves short by thinking we are asking for too much. That’s when we allow other people’s comfort to supersede our real needs and in the process we devalue ourselves and settle for what is comfortable. We are worth being pursued, respected, sacrificed for…and I think that is what we want to do for the person we are in relationship with. There are some aspects that absolutely have to be reciprocal to make a relationship work.

Love you….."

staying focused and seeing what it is that keeps me smiling and staying positive is what has been helping me stay strong. i've fallen short of my strength many times...but i couldn't have pulled through as best as i have without the tremendous support of my family and friends...i have built great friendships and cherish every single one...listening to my heart and knowing that i have many shoulders to lean on has reminded me of all the wonderful people in my life...

so that is why...even though being vulnerable is a huge risk...i believe from the bottom of my heart...that it is the way i want to remain...open and honest...willing to take chances...for in taking chances...amongst the few that possibly may hurt you...there are the many...who have become such an integral part of my life...and those...i wouldn't trade in for the world...