graduation day for jessica...

today is an exciting day...my beautiful niece jess is graduating from high school...can't wait for the celebrations to begin...

what can i say about her?? i am so proud of the young lady she has become...i thought that i would dedicate this post to her via a letter...back in october...she had a homework assignment...well that she passed on to me...i was asked to write a letter to her as she embarks on to college...here is the original post...

http://striving4prov31.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2008-10-23T08%3A41%3A00-07%3A00&max-results=50

so...as this is her graduation day...and she leaves high school behind...these are my hopes for her...

Dearest Jessica –

What an honor to be asked to write this letter to you! There is so much I want to say…where do I start?

First…and most importantly – please know how much I love and care about you. I am so proud to call you my niece – I am so proud of the young lady that you have become.

I want you to know that if there is ever a time that you need to talk about whatever…know that you can call me…at any time…night or day…I would never judge you, critique you or change my opinion of you…so if ever you need someone as a sounding board – and don’t feel like calling your mom or dad…I’m here for you!

What an exciting time for you as you start this new chapter in your life…not only is it a new school…but a new home…new friends…new adventures…new lessons learned…

My words of encouragement to you:

Don’t let anyone ever tell you or let you think that you cannot do something…
Don’t ever be afraid to try something…it is better to have tried and failed…then to have never attempted something out of fear…
“mistakes do not define you, instead, they tell you who you aren’t”

Have a variety of friends – and be the best friend you can be…it is in giving to others that we receive…learn from your friends – learn about their backgrounds, their cultures, their passions…and share yours…

Focus on your goals – but don’t be so set on them that you miss opportunities for new ones…

This is an exciting time – school work will probably be piled high at times…take time out for yourself…whether it is coffee with a friend, riding your horse, being goofy, whatever…don’t let homework control your life…it is important…but so is your well being.

I pray you will never have your beautiful heart broken…but the reality is…you probably will…don’t let bitterness grow…and remember…that it is through the hard times…we learn…we learn who we can and cannot trust, we learn that we are a lot stronger than we thought…it is always better to have loved and been hurt…then to be closed off…and not experience it.


Forgive those that hurt you – holding on to hurt feelings will only hurt you…it will only affect you…you may need to keep your distance from those that hurt you…or set boundaries…but holding on to a grudge will fester and keep you from wonderful blessings…

I never went away to school – but I relate this to when I moved out of my mom and dad’s house…it was the first time I really felt like an adult…and with it came responsibilities…but what I have learned…is that if I keep my integrity in check…if I keep my walk with the Lord as my most important relationship…everything else falls into place.

So, the best advice I can give you really…is to keep your walk with the Lord solid…He is the one who is with you…always…so just know my sweetie…when you do have the times that you feel alone…He is right there…by your side…or in some case…He may be carrying you…talk to Him often…let Him know your fears, your loves, your passion, your worries, your stress…whatever…He will direct your path…

So whether you are studying like a mad woman, or out with friends…wherever you are…know that you have an aunt who loves you and will keep you in her prayers…

This is your time to soar girl – and I hope you do it with all the power inside you!

p.s. chester and sasha cannot wait until the day that you will be their doctor!

I love you oodles!

metaphor of the zinc gurney...

once again i find myself at the helm of a good book that I am not quite done with...i almost chose to abandon it...because of content and apprehension...but alas...i trudge ahead... the book is titled "the monster of florence"...a true story of a mystery that, to this day, remains unsolved. this book is a wonderful read if you have a strong stomach...but i am not doing a book review...no... actually, a short paragraph in this book speaks volumes to how we should be viewing others around us...as a christian, it challenged me to see people in a little different light...

let me set the scene for better understanding...the setting is in the medical examiner’s (m.e’s) morgue after a brutal murder in the olive groves of florence, italy. the authors of the book, douglas preston and mario spezi (who is the florentine reporter assisting the lead author) are talking with the m.e. while he is working on a dead body:

“this one? a brilliant scholar, a distinguished professor in the accademia della crusca no less. but, as you can see, tonight yet another disappointment has laid me low; i have just opened the head and what do i find inside? where is all this wisdom? boh! inside it looks just like the albanian hooker i opened yesterday. maybe the professor thinks he’s better than her! but when i open them up, i find that they’re equal! and they both have achieved the same destiny: my zinc gurney. why, then, did he tire himself out pouring over so many books? boh!”

what is the difference between the scholar and the hooker besides social class? nothing! they have the same mind with the same potential...they chose different paths to take and therefore the world esteems one and defiles the other, yet they are so vastly the same and ended up in the same physical place: the zinc gurney...

so many times we look at others in disdain and pure disgust...but what’s the difference? skin...color...gender...how about we start looking at the heart? what’s on the inside? dig into the minds of others and take an interest...find out what they’re all about...love others without agenda...that’s so hard for us to do as humans...i’ll admit that i don’t always succeed...in fact i pass up a lot of opportunities to walk in Christ’s love...

it’s funny how God will remind you of things through the most unexpected entities...even if it’s the metaphor of the zinc gurney...

observations at the lipstick counter...

the cosmetics counter at neiman marcus was jammed..it was noontime...and i just wanted to slip in...buy a lipstick...and be on my way...but the place was crawling with women all wanting to do the same thing...i took my position at the counter and waited...and watched...

one young would-be starlet...sporting a micromini and bee-stung lips fresh from the plastic surgeon's office...was huffy with the clerk and everyone else within earshot...the irony struck me...her ugly behavior cancelled out all her surgical efforts to look pretty...

then i glanced down the counter and saw a mom trying on countless nuanced shades of fuschia lipgloss while her five-year-old son waited by her side...he was patient for a few mnutes...and then he became squirmy and a little whiny...he's hungry, i thought - and empathized as i felt my own tummy growl for some lunch...after a minute or two of his repeated pleas of "can we goooooo now, please?" his mom had finally had it...she pushed her collection of fuschias aside and grabbed him by the forearm...nearly yanking his shoulder from its socket. "shut up! mommy's trying to buy something to make her look pretty. now straighten up...or i'll spank you in front of everyone!"

you want to look pretty? i thought. unclenching your teeth might be the ticket...poor kid...when he grows up...he'll wonder why he hates pink lipstick.

my attention was gradually diverted from that scene by the two women standing next to me...whose voices got louder and louder as they peppered their conversation with gossip...they prattled on...speaking foolishness and gushing folly as they gave each other the lowdown on everyone they knew...i felt relieved that i'd never met them...so i wasn't on their list...i had to bite my lip to keep from smiling when one said, "i don't know why they're so mad at me. i never say anything about anyone!"

that day at the lipstick counter i saw the tremendous power of our lips...we put on lipgloss...but forget to smooth our conversation...we make our lips bright with lipstick...but forget to smile...we obsess over how our lips look and then speak too much...too quickly...too harshly...

the book of proverbs is full of counsel about our lips:

"the tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit"
provers 18:21

"the lips of the wise spread knowledge; not so the hearts of fools"
proverbs 15:7

the heart...it seems...is the heart of the matter...you see...the root issue isn't really the lips at all...it's the heart...Jesus even said, "out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" (matthew 12:34). we can't change what comes from our lips unless we change our hearts...no matter how much we may try to speak wisely, kindly, or lovingly, in our own effort it will only be our own effort...we can't change from the outside in...but Christ can change us from the inside out. (amen!) the more of Him we have...the more like Him we behave...in our attitudes, actions...and speech...and as He transforms us...Jesus says, "the good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him" (matthew 12:35)

we've all been at the receiving end of harsh or thoughless words...sometimes it takes only a second to inflict deep wounds...but it might take years for them to heal...we've seen how God heals us of the words spoken to and about us that have caused us pain...now it's up to us to guard our own tongues...so that the things we say will bring no harm to others...

never underestimate the importance of your lips...there's a power there - for good and evil...

that day at the makeup counter i learned a valuable lesson...and every day as i put on my new lipstick...i offer a silent prayer..."may the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, o Lord" (psalm 19:14)

a word is dead when it is said, some say...i say it just begins to live that day - emily dickinson

violence of the tongue is very real - sharper than any knife - mother theresa

God's list...

"He has shown you, o man, what is good and what the Lord requires of thee. but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God."

these words are from a song based on micah 6:8...i recently heard this old chorus and it struck me in a whole new way...(funny how that works...thank you Lord for another lesson)

though our checklist of expectations for any given age may be long and detailed...i love that God's list is short and simple...do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with God...

that latter part...walking humbly with God...sounds an awful lot like not taking ourselves...and our expectations of ourselves...too seriously...that's a sentiment i've heard echoed in the words of several older women recently...each has said that as they have gotten older...turning the big 50..or 60 was the most freeing thing for them...suddenly they didn't care anymore what others said or even thought of them...they've all loved the freedom of taking themselves less seriously and walking humbly in God's lavish love and unique path for them...and they've all told "young" me that the best is yet to come...

gotta say...i really like that...i have really tried to take a cue from micah 6:8 and these older, wiser women...what i know is that when i live my life celebrating all that God has accomplished in and through me...and frankly...often despite me...when i celebrate the simple joys of doing justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly with God...when i am armed with these goals...i think the best is yet to come...and that is one expectation i am banking on...

hands...

hands...

A basketball in my hands is worth about $19.

A basketball in Michael Jordan's hands is worth about $33 million.

It depends whose hands it's in.

A baseball in my hands is worth about $6.

A baseball in Roger Clemens hands is worth $4.75 million.

It depends on whose hands it's in.

A tennis racket is useless in my hands.

A tennis racket in Andre Agassi's hands is worth millions.

It depends whose hands it's in.

A rod in my hands will keep away an angry dog.

A rod in Moses' hands will part the mighty sea.

It depends whose hands it's in.

A slingshot in my hands is a kid's toy.

A slingshot in David's hand is a mighty weapon.

It depends whose hands it's in.

Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in my hands is a couple of fish sandwiches.

Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in Jesus hands will feed thousands.

It depends whose hands it's in.

Nails in my hands might produce a birdhouse.

Nails in Jesus Christ's hands will produce salvation for the entire world.

It depends whose hands it's in.

As you see now, it depends whose hands it's in.

So put your concerns, your worries, your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your families and your relationships in God's hands

because...

It depends whose hands it's in.

pity party from years ago...

as most of my friends will attest...i don't have a very good memory...which is why i had a few chuckles today while reading some old journals...one day in particular that i read...reminded me of a day i had completely forgotten...and when i finished reading...it was strange how i remembered exactly how i felt on that lovely day...

it was a pity party day...many many years ago...

i was sitting on a plane awaiting the takeoff of the return leg of a business trip..and though i'd just singlehandedly represented my company to numerous clients and conducted several successful meetings, i had tears in my eyes...though i was surrounded by a sea of humanity on the sold-out flight...i felt utterly alone...and it was all the flight attendant's fault...

to be fair...she had no idea what she'd done...after the usual song and dance about what to do if the plane sudddenly plummeted toward the earth...she interrupted the preflight silence with an extra announcement..."we are thrilled to have not one, not two, but three honeymooning couples on board with us today. we hope you newlyweds will enjoy a lifetime of happiness - as well as your complimentary beverages."

great, i thought to myself in a moment of singleness synicism...not only do these people get lifetime partners, they also get free drinks! once again i felt like i was on the ouside looking in on the rest of the happily paired-off world...

as i gazed out the window at the darkening sky...my spirits grew dim as well...in fact, i sank into a full-fledged pity party right there in seat 7-c...i thought about the couples launching into their new lives together...full of hope, wonder, and the security of having a lifetime companion...in contrast...when we landed i would be met by a stranger from the airport shuttle serice who would deliver me to my empty apartment...in a couple of weeks i would be attending yet another wedding...and i still hadn't figured out who to take with me as my "and guest"...a far cry from even envisioning myself walking down the aisle with a soulmate...

as the plane gathered speed and finally lifted off the ground...a few tears escaped from the corners of my eyes...that's never going to be me, i thought as i pictured the honeymooners on board toasting this new journey...both literal and symbolic...i'm never going to get married, and then the universal single myth capped off my mental monologue...there must be something wrong with me..

looking back, i realize how pathetic this whole scenario was...but in my conversations with countless single women...i've discovered scenarios like that are also very common...the type of situation may vary...the company christmas party where everyone except you has a built-in significant other to bring...your high school reunion...valentine's day...mother's day...receiving five wedding invitations in one year (all from women younger than you)...going to a romantic movie with the girls instead of a date...not being able to find a non-love song on your car radio...watching married women be dropped off at the door of the mall while you drive around in the rain to find a parking place...sitting in a sea of couples and families at church on sunday morning...but whatever the cause...the resulting feeling is the same...

i was embarrassed for losing it that day...so i quickly tried to pull myself together before the woman sitting beside me felt the need for an intervention...in an effort to stop the waterworks...i accidently stumbled onto one of the best things i've found for putting a wet blanket on a pity party...picture a friend in your shoes and think of what you'd say to console her...

as i started flipping through the in-flight magazine to divert my attention...i also began a mental lecture...okay now, let's be real here...never? never get married? you're a smart person...you know that "nevers" are rarely true...you just haven't met the right person yet...and you definately don't want to settle and risk becoming a miserable married or a divorce statistic...it's not like this whole marriage thing is a race anyway...so...relax and enjoy the ride already....

this is what is called self-talk...my bible calls this thinking about things that are true...i call it my salvation on days when singleness stinks...so what do you hear when you tune in to the voice in your head? is it positive? is it true? if your mental momologue is making you miserable...become your own best friend and give yourself a kindhearted talking to...

living in a material world...

a good friend of mine had been working at a high profiled job for about a year when she fell hard for a marc jacobs handbag...her boyfriend was visiting from the small midwestern town where they'd both gone to school...and bloomingdale's was having a sale...so off they went...

this bag meant a lot of things to my girlfriend...an achievement, a celebration of a successful beginning to what she was hoping would be a long career in her industry...it felt like an arrival in the glamorous and sophisticated world where she was feeling more and more at home...

and also: how gorgeous the thing itself! smooth leather, shiny buckles, elegant shape...my girlfriend was learning to appreciate thngs like quality and design, and of this she was sure...the bag was an absolute gem...

little did she know that the bag would soon come to symbolize the end of her relationship...

"we got home, and he said he didn't see us together anymore," she recalls..."he said that the woman who would be his wife wouldn't care about things like that...he said he'd begun to wonder, if we had children, would i prioritize shoes over food for the kids?"

are you serious??

he questioned who he thought she was...and he called her materialistic...

materialism...it's a word that connotes greed, extravagance, gluttony...the word "materialistic" has some harsh synonyms...selfish, unprincipled, callous...it suggests a person who is shallow, who prizes things material over those emotional...but does wanting a great bag really make you a bad person? harsh implications for a single handbag...but i've noticed that a lot of women who care about fashion get labeled this...sort of as a matter of course...

and since this is the industry i have chosen for myself...and have been working at for several years now...i have felt the butt end of this critique from so many directions...from the ex-boyfriend's snide comments about my desire to visit a new boutique shop (somehow seen as morally bankrupt compared with, say, spending many hours in a stereo shop) to people i call friends...i remember one coming to watch me speak at a function and sputtering later about how vile and pathetic the audience had seemed...with their questions about trends and style...a cruel diagnosis, i thought, for a bunch of women who'd gone out for a glass of champagne and a little shopping on a spring evening after work...and what exactly was she implying about me, standing up there talking about colors and silhouettes?

what is it about an interest in nice things that begs for criticism? can good morals not sleep on high-thread-count sheets and walk in expensive shoes?

perhaps...like many insults..."materialist" is hurled by those who feel vulnerable...sometimes when people ask what i do...they become immediately self-conscious..."well, then you can probably tell my shoes are cheap," they might say, as if i were looking...as if i care...

i suppose jealousy...which first rears its head in the sandbox and, sadly, continues into adulthood...can play a role as well...it's easier to insult what you covet than to confront covetous feelings...it's the same phenomenon that finds us all delighting in the meltdowns of rich, beautiful celebrities...when i think about why my friend had to insult the women at the function...it's not shocking to remember that she was having a particularly dark self-esteem moment...

does it really have to be this way? after all...one of the treats of being female is the enjoyment we get from a gorgeous dress...an elegant pair of shoes...and the fun we have searching for these things with friends...

there is a whole pile of new research suggesting that fashion is...in fact...good for you! it can trigger spikes in dopamine...that happy brain love-chemical that keeps you lively...and...two leading brain researchers at johns hopkins have concluded that as shopping requires a trifecta of healthy behaviors - physical activity, decision making, and a positive self-image...it might actually help keep you alive longer...a canadian psychologist wrote a book called the shoe diet, which says that the adrenaline rush you feel when you find a perfect pair of shoes could help you lose weight...hmmm...hasn't seemed to help me with my weight loss...maybe i'm not buying enough shoes =), and psychologists at the university of leicester, in england, claim that being well-dressed can protect you from being hit by a car. (drivers, apparently, are more likely to stop for you in a crosswalk if you're looking sharp)

of course, there are extremes...an interest in things material can all too easily move from healthy to pathological...i once sat through a dinner party with a woman so fixated on my dress - "I. MUST. HAVE. THAT. DRESS," she kept saying, her teeth alarmingly clenched...that i was afraid to go to the bathroom alone...and there's a colleague who greets me not by saying hello or how are you but with a lusty shout-out to an item of clothing or accessory that i am wearing...
these people might have issues...

but there is, as with all things in life...a nice middle path...i believe in moderate materialism...

so...were my girlfriend to buy shoes instead of baby food (which she never would), this would be a problem...but buying a marc jacobs bag? perfectly reasonable...(for the record: her boyfriend was begging for forgiveness within months...but she had happily moved on...as of this writing...she has a second marc jacobs bag and a new boyfriend, who understands that the bags compliment, rather than define , who she is)

i remember hearing one say that shopping was good for your self-esteem...kinda makes sense...nice clothes make you feel better...healthy shoppers are healthy people...capable of taking pride in their appearance and themselves...capable of enjoying beauty and quality and of finding themselves worthy for such good things...

when i asked one of my impeccable friends if she's ever been called materialistic, she answers with a laugh, "not to my face." but as we discuss our relationship to our stuff, she tells me that a great part of the enjoyment she gets out of her clothes is that wearing them is a means of celebrating someone else's genius. "i was once in the hong kong airport," she says, and diane von furstenberg was in front of me in line at customs...she was going on and on about the beauty of the terminal, and i was so struck by it - i thought, here is someone who views the entire world in terms of creativity."

materialist? no...but acutely aware, and appreciative, of beauty and design...

but all this justification aside, i've been guilty of torturing myself...i backpedal...sometimes...when i meet new people...yes, i live fashion...but i read the paper! i volunteer! a stylist friend called me one afternoon - a magazine was running a profile on her many successes and had asked why she became a stylist...this friend is clever and funny, generous and talented...her facility with all things is visual...she loves making people look, and therefore feel, fantastic...but after years in the fashion world...we knew what people expected to hear...would read between the lines no matter what she said...we also knew that whatever anyone chose to believe...it wouldn't change the truth of things...so, giggling away, we decided she should just answer, "because i'm shallow," and leave it at that...

change...

i don't know about you...but every time i hear our politicos proffer the word change as though the echoing effect of that word through the halls of congress would provide the solution to all the world's woes...i get a little annoyed...

call me an old grump and stuck in my ways...but most in my generation will tell you that "change" is what's wrong with the country today and not how we fix the country today...we liked our world just as it was back in the good old days when it was country first...foremost...and forever...when we were a people...not a people divided...

today...it's almost as if we're spending all our precious energy and time looking for things to change...do you sometimes get the feeling that nobody out there is happy with anything?

i find that the word "change" is bandied about somewhat carelessly and with the unproven uncertainty that moving from one thing to another automatically produces something better...personally, i'm pretty much fed up with the would be changers of the world - you know...the ones marching in the streets touting their personal prejudices, or protesting something whilst living in a tree...or starving themselves for a cause...or parading with placards to promote their own myopic agenda, or rioting to draw attention to their perceived sense of disentitlement...yes, you will argue, that's what a free society entitles them to do...but i say we are living in the best place on earth with the best possible form of government...we are a benign and benevolent nation and if there are those who don't know that by now...they should try living someplace else until they get it...

i like to hang out with people who can find things to be happy about...i personally am tired of the disruptive and the disgruntled...and in spite of the rancor some in politics are spewing...nobody in this country is really disenfranchised...there is opportunity for all...if we but take it...

so i'm thinking the only change i'd really like to see is a change back to where we were...we had a pretty good plat map...our forefathers having labored long and hard to give us great guidelines for the future...but all through the course of our growing up as a nation...people have been demanding and creating change...so...little by little, we have found ourselves adrift in a sea of change resulting in a country divided and in want of yet more change...there can be no end to a cycle of this nature...always thinking to make something better, we have...contrarily, contributed to making a lot of things worse...

one area of change that has america at war with itself is the issue of immigration...long ago...theodore roosevelt said "...if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an american and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else...but this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an american, and nothing but an american...there can be no divided allegiance here. any man who says he is an american, but something else also, isn't an american at all. we have room for but one flag, the american flag...we have room for but one language here, the english language...and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the american people."

now, instead of ths straightforward american stance in keeping with our founding principles, we have, in our ever-benevolent manner, changed our attitude about this and, for the sake of "political correctness", have created a change that is neither financially healthy for our nation, nor politically healthy in terms of our national security. good-hearted intentions maybe, but truly misguided.

now we are so emboldened with the idea that we can effect change, that we've moved on to grander things, like the egotistical idea that we can actually change the climate...naturally...we have taken this idea to its idiotic extremes...i remember watching a show, where a young lady proudly pronounced with the revelatory air of someone who had just discovered a cure for some disease that "if each of us would save only two sheets of paper after opening our christmas presents, we could wrap up manhatten." hmmm...or..."if we saved but two feet of ribbon, we could put a bow around the earth," (now there's a solid concept.) or, changing one light bulb would take 340,000 cars off the road." these are the kinds of ridiculous and illogical extremes that do more damage than good to the sincere idea of educating man to better tend the planet...we have lost our common sense, and that's not a good change...

there are some good things to change: diapers, your mind when you're wrong, large dollar bills, equipment when it no longer works, bad habits, and tires...change for the sake of change...change made by the few for the many...these are not good reasons for change...and i'm not going to change my mind about that...

it is well...

God's love pouring over our lives wakes us up to a more flavorful life than we ever could have imagined...in Him, we understand the full essence of who we are...we find at last our true identity as deeply loved children...how we have longed for that all our lives, and we taste it in relationship with God...in Him, our sorrows are not wasted...as we submit to suffering as a path to real life...He pours His love over it...it is a process...and it all takes place in Him...

every step in the process is important...

one of my favorite hymns is "it is well with my soul"...this song was born out of great loss...which makes it what it is...authentic and beautiful...

1st verse
when peace like a river attendeth my way
when sorrows like sea billows roll
whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
"it is well, it is well with my soul."

2nd verse
though satan should buffet, tho' trials should come
let this blest assurance control
that Christ has regarded my helpless estate
and hath shed His own blood for my soul.

now we are getting somewhere...trials, surrender, it's all here...powerful lyrics...

3rd verse
my sin - o the bliss of this glorious thought
my sin - not in part but the whole
is nailed to the cross and i bear it no more
praise the Lord, praise the Lord, o my soul!

yes, there is an exclamation point in the hymnal...incredible verse...incredible hymn...

the last verse
and, Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight
the clouds be rolled back as a scroll
the trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend
even so - it is well with my soul.

when i look over these verses...there is an order to them...just like the process in our lives...
if you look at verses 3 and 4...you can't haste the day until you nail the sin! it will not be well with our soul if our sin, not in part but the whole, doesn't get nailed to the cross...if it doesn't get nailed, then we still bear it...and no one will be praising the Lord, much less hastening the day...

the last verse really is wonderful...but it has to be in order...

so it is with the journey of our life...starting with every piece of us...all that is lovely, all that is hideous, all that is sinful, and all that is beautiful...we surrender it to God...we allow the hard things we go through to make us better rather than bitter...

God pours His love over us...and we are changed...

for everything...

for everything i've ever tried to hold,

i have a scar...

a scar from the struggle it took

to secure

what didn't want to stay.

for everything i've ever sought to possess

i have wounds

deep, empty ones

betraying what i would rather keep secret

private disappointments

public rejections

and barren hopes...

spurned affections

adulterous hearts

that stumbled in their faithfulness

to my affections.

i have cried,

i have wept over spilled love

cut myself on the shards of a broken heart

and watched my emotions bleed

into every situation thereafter...

in struggling to stop the flow,

i bandaged myself in layers of denial

only to find

the scars still there

when i deemed it safe to look...

new prospects picked at the scabs

reopening old wounds

and leaving deeper evidence

of my previous pain.

oh no there is no denying

i've tried to possess some hearts in my time

and found them all slippery

too slippery to hold

and call my own...

and at the end of the day

the only thing that remains

in my complete possession

is my heart

and the ability to make better choices...

give me your eyes...

i was recently listening to a song by artist brandon heath...the song is called "give me your eyes"
the words of the song...the message...hit home for me...

the song speaks of God giving man His eyes to look at the world; seeing in the Spirit...while this is a great spiritual lesson and challenge...it really got me thinking...

what if i were to take a step out from behind my glasses and look at the world through someone else's eyes? what if i considered others more and took a hard look at the world through their perspective?

this is hard for me to do partly because i believe everyone should be like me (insert laugh). i am of course joking...i would not want everyone to be like me...but as i dig into my thoughts (which could be a scary, crazy, neurotic, disorganized, roller coaster, a.d.d.-esque journey), i began to wonder what it would truly be like to walk in someone else's shoes...scary to think..right?

how would the world look through a homeless person's eyes? a prostitute or stripper? a single, low income woman? an illegal alien? the elderly? teenagers? a college student? a ceo? a fast food worker? mentally challenged? unchurched? unloved? outcast? abused?

the list can go on and on forever...

it's amazing to think that if we, especially as christians...would look at others as images of God...how much better this world would be...now, i am not excluding myself...i stumble...i pass up opportunities to display Christ's love...i am not always the best witness for Christ...but is anyone for that matter? no, and why? because we are human...just like everyone else...sometimes however...it is easier to excuse the human side in ourselves...but not in others...

being free...

sometimes when i look back at my life...even in the last year...i am amazed at the growth...the healing...the revelations...i love looking back at situations...and seeing how fully God was present in the midst of hurt...of pain...of rejection...sometimes i wonder why...when i am in a new situation...my first thought is not thinking of how He has always been there...hopefully one day..that part will be the first that enters my mind...

i am thankful for the lessons i have had in life...for they made me stronger...but much more than that...they allowed me to see...that in the midst of them...my Lord was in the center of all of it...

here is a snapshot of my life last year...
there i was, like a kitten trying to untangle a mess of yarn...trying to find one end of the chain that had wrapped itself around my heart...i was just beginning to wonder if i would ever be free of the pain...when my thoughts were interrupted by Your glorious presence...

You saw that my heart was in trouble...and You rescued me...came down...broke the chains...and set me free...You knew that i would never be able to free myself...not by might...not by power...not by emotional manipulation or intellectual rationalization...no...but simply by the Spirit doing His work...

He is at work even today...touching...prodding...digging...cleansing...not stopping until He is finished...the Spirit labors even while we sleep...breathing fresh life back into members too weary to stretch...exercising spiritual muscles atrophied from lack of use as we try to solve our problems in the flesh...stirring up the Word...rehearsing God's promises to us...even in our dreams...singing songs in the Spirit and in the understanding until we join in...

no...the Spirit will not let you rest in your despair...He grabs an arm and coaxes you toward the finish line...come on...come on...to she that endures...the prize will be given...i can smell the victory...feel the freedom on my skin like a cooling breeze...washing over inflamed emotions that are extinguished only to be refreshed by the quiet that true rest brings...

He's got it all in control...i don't have to hold on any longer...no more holding on to what was holding me...who held whom...anyway? now i finally see...and so i let go and freefall back into His arms...i've got to laugh as i feel the release...ooo-wee...now this is what i mean....to paraphrase a great man who knew the difference..."i'm free at last!"

love is...

love is not synonymous with pain...
but therein lies the paradox
the intricate pattern of emotions
that lies within one big word...

vulnerability...

not so big after all
but then again not so small
for there lies the secret...
ah yes...

the thing that brings you the most joy
bears the potential of bringing you the most pain...
haven't we heard time and time again
love hurts?...

(a gross miscalculation)

but nevertheless a fair explanation of man's quest for pain...
in which he finds everything
but that which he seeks...

for love is joy...
love is life...
love is God...
love is selfless...

and in selflessness there is no pain...
only death to everything within
except the power to give...

which could explain our pain...
our anger...
our response...
to what we feel are violated rights...

(why wasn't my love returned?)...

our self pity...
our search for an excuse...
for the reasons why...

(maybe it was me...)

our depression...
the aftermath
the exhaustion of the inward fight...

(i'm too tired to care anymore)...

our hopelessness
the rebellion...
the refusal to regain strength...

(why should this time be different?)...

but we live...
and in spite of ourselves, we learn...
we stumble...
we fall...

we are propelled onward
until we grow into the knowledge
that the only painful thing about love
is our misplaced expectations...

for love is soft...
and warm...
love is tough and strong...
love is tender and enduring...

love is...
love is...

love just is...
but love is not

synonymous with pain...

listening...

listen to the silence...it is filled with wisdom...listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit within...first whispering...then growing louder as you turn your heart to hear...starting from the beginning, leaving no stone unturned He comes...bearing complete answers...filling in the gaps left by unanswered questions...telling you things that you do and do not want to hear...words of comfort and correction...after all...the truth is a double-edged sword...it doesn't play favorites...

listen...listen for God...with no preconceived notions...just listen...unconditionally...with no guidelines...for when you seek to hear His voice above all other things...He comes bearing all that you were seeking...allow God to reveal the secret motives of the heart...let Him disclose the purpose of the suffering...if you truly listen...you will be able to celebrate the pain...celebrate it...plant it and nurture it in ground now fertile from suffering and watered by your tears...

plant it...let it rest and reap the fuit...reap it and then share it with others...that they might be healed...rehearse what you have heard and spread it abroad...let your trial be a tool of healing for others..and in the healing...be healed...

feeling whole...

i know more now than i did before...more about myself...more about men...more about God and His grace...this was a test...and i believe i've passed it...i'm still standing, that's for sure...that has to mean something...others have withered and died...but i'm still here...

i am told that i look different...i should...now all the puzzle pieces fit...i can see the whole picture...i have been through something and come out on the other side...true revelation always brings transformation...if i haven't been changed by the experience...then i didn't "get it." and i do want to "get it" because i do not want to repeat the lesson again...it was not fun...though it must have been necessary...

why? the reason escapes me just now...but in time i know that i will understand all things fully...for now i will learn what i have been able to grasp and use it to my benefit...growing another inch...walking another mile...no pain, no gain...

there is no way around the lessons of life...and they will not go away...you will remain in the same space...doing the same exercise over again and again...until you complete your course and graduate to the next level...you cannot cheat...you cannot borrow from the past paper...when God gives you a clean slate...don't write the same thing on it again...i learned that lesson well...in the learning i find wholeness, health and strength...my issues are settled at last...i've made peace with myself...i am all right with me...the fight is over...and now i find i carry less and yet i have so much more...

"consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
james 1:2-4

my dear heavenly Father,
thank You for loving me enough to allow me to make mistakes in order to learn my lessons. thank You for using those lessons to fashion me into a work of art...i now see Your wisdom, though there was a time when i questioned why You were allowing me to suffer so much...

i know there will be other lessons ahead of me...abide with me and help me to pass every test...for every test makes me more complete...shaping me into a vessel for Your glory...remind me by Your Spirit in the difficult times that You will not allow me to go through more that i can bear...You know me so much better that i know myself...

thank You for pushing me beyond my comfort zone of endurance...just when i think i will break i am amazed to discover that You have given me strength...just when i thought i was fresh out...

thanks to Your faithfulness and patience...i am whole...i am full...i am an overcomer...

do something for yourself...

you know me...i'm all about the reminders...reminders to live life to the fullest...every day...to live each moment...and not be waiting around for when things are different...when you are married...when you are more stable...blah blah blah...

we are not promised tomorrow...and the longer we "wait" to do things...well...that gives no meaning to today...

received this email yesterday...and i've read it before...but...again...a great reminder...

and yes...i'm sharing it with you!

"do something for yourself"
(author unknown)

too many people put off something that bring them joy...
just because they haven't thought about it,
don't have it on their schedule,
didn't know it was coming or...
are too rigid to depart from their routine...

i got to thinking one day about all those women on the titanic...
who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night,
in an effort to cut back...
from then on, i've tried to be a little more flexible...

how many women out there will eat at home
because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner
until after something had been thawed?
does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

how often have your kids dropped in to talk
and sat in silence while you watched "jeopardy"
on television?

i cannot count the times i called my sister and said,
"how about going to lunch in a half hour?"
she would gas up and stammer, "i can't. i have clothes on the line.
my hair is dirty. i wish i had known yesterday. i had a late breakfast.
it looks like rain." and my personal favorite:
"it's monday."
she died a few years ago. we never did have lunch together...

because americans cram so much into their lives...
we tend to schedule our headaches...
we live on a sparse diet of promises we make...
to ourselves...when all the conditions are perfect...

we'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get steve toilet-trained...
we'll entertain when we replace the living room carpet...
we'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college...

life has a way of accelerating as we get older...
the days get shorter and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer...
one morning, we awaken,
and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of
"i'm going to," "i plan on", and...
"someday, when things are settled down a bit."

when anyone calls my "seize the moment" friend...
she is open to adventure and available for trips...
she keeps an open mind on new ideas...
her enthusiasm for life is contagious...
you talk with her for five minutes,
and you're ready to trade your bad feet
for a pair of roller blades
and skip an elevator for a bungee cord...

my lip have not touched ice cream in 10 years...
i love ice cream...it's just that i might as well
apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula...
and eliminate the digestive process...
the other day, i stopped the car and bought
a triple-decker...
if my car had hit an iceberg on the way home..
i would have died happy...

now...go on and have a nice day...
do something you WANT to to...
not something on your SHOULD DO list...
if you were going to die soon...
and had only one phone call you could make...
who would you call...and what would you say?
and why are you waiting??

have you ever watched kids playing
on the merry go round
or listened to the rain lapping on the ground?
ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight
or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
do you run through each day on the fly?
when you ask "how are you?"
do you hear the reply?

when the day is done, do you lie in your bed
with the next hundred chores running through your head?
ever told your child, "we'll do it tomorrow..."
and in your haste, not see his sorrow?
ever lost touch?
let a good friendship die?
just call to say "hi"

when you worry and hurry through your day,
it is like an unopened gift...thrown away...
life is not a race...
take it slower...
hear the music before the song is over...

"life may not be the party we hoped for...
but while we are here we might as well dance"

romantic story...

ok...i admit it...i am...and will forever be...a hopeless romantic...

one of the things i really enjoy...is hearing stories of how two people...completely in love...met...since most times...i am not living a romantic life...i live it vicariously through others stories...

one of my dearest friends m...has the most unique story...well...to me...

m & d dated way back in high shool...d was older than m by a few years...and if i remember correctly...they did not attend the same school...they dated for a few years...went to prom together...and then broke up...but...they always remained friends...throughout the years...

the next 15+ years...they each dated others...but neither of them ever got married...and then it happened...the spark returned...and m & d started dating again...

get ready...here is the romantic part...on the 20th anniversary of there "first" date...d proposed to m...awww...now that is a romantic story...how crazy...20 years later...neither of them married...started dating again...and now...married...

this to me seemed like a fairytale story...but this last weekend...there was a new update to the story...

d & m recently moved into the home that m grew up in...they had spent the last year or so remodeling...i called to see how m was doing...and the phone number had been changed...i was surprised...because i assumed she would have transfered the same number over to the house...

i called the new number...and harrassed her about the number change...and how it would inconvenience me...because now i had to change it in my cell phone...AND my speed dial at home...(kidding) and she then tells me...that this is the number she had at that house while she was growing up...and d had managed to keep his number that he grew up with...so now in the house...they have the same numbers they used to call each other on while dating some 30 years ago...

isn't that crazy?? m & d have been married for over 10 years now...married later in life...but it is a reminder...that when you find the right person...no matter at what age...it is the right time...