the water tower...

yesterday...my friend and i decided to get up early and run...now please understand...it has been a LONG time since i have done any type of running...and yes...i probably would have been better off doing a nice walk or hike instead...but sometimes...well i don't think it through completely...

we decided to head to the beach...for a change of scenery...brisk air...and...oh yeah...lets add running on the sand for that extra obstacle...why?? because we are crazy...at least that is the only explanation i can come up with...

since we were in an unfamiliar setting...we needed to plot out our course...we set our sites on a water tower in the distance and decided to make that our goal...the plan was that we wouldn't stop running until we were standing beside the water tower...

it wasn't long before my legs and lungs started protesting...actually screaming for me to stop...it was as if they were sending lightening bolt pleas to my brain to stop and stop now...
do not pass go...do not collect $200...just stop!

i wanted to stop...but much to the dismay of my sweating body...more than stopping...i wanted to reach my goal...we pressed on though the water tower seemed SO far away...there were no short cuts or easier routes...there was only one way...it would require a step by step determination...putting one foot in front of the other...and most importantly...making the decision to refuse to quit...

never has a water tower come so slowly...but it did eventually...we were soon in its shadow...then we were right beside it...and then we ran by it...

reaching our goal was so invigorating...even my legs and lungs gave the thumbs up to keep
going...we ran all the way to the end of the road and turned and looked back...

no one step had been more important than another...each step served a purpose...each one was necessary to get us to the goal and beyond...

we turned and headed back...and i realized that there was a lesson in my morning run...

i realized how much yesterday's morning run mimicked my life's journey toward my dreams...there were (and still sometimes are) insecurities...or my feelings of inadequacy scream out for me to stop...at times my goals of seeing my dreams come to fruition seem so far away...so illusive...there have been times that it was not easy and there were no short cuts...just the decision to embrace each step as necessary and refusing to quit...

some of my dreams have come true...and as sweet as the shadow of the dream was...i just couldn't stay there...i kept running...and smiling..and dreaming some more...

i am a big proponent of encouraging my friends to follow their dreams...and to build new dreams...when those have been fulfilled...it is a part of living...

do you have a dream tucked in your heart?

i suspect you do...i say...bring your dream...whatever it is...back out into the light of day and press on...

i remember all the obstacles i faced in many of my dreams...some of them changed my course...some i had to walk through to get to the other side...

what i know for sure...is that it wasn't one thing that got me to my dreams...well...there was one thing...and that was the Lord's guidance...but each part of the journey was essential...all the rejection...all the prayers...all the soul searching to check my motives...all the input from family and friends...all the studying and reading and researching...all the discouragement...and all the encouragement...it was all part of it...step by step...

and looking back...i wouldn't have had it any other way...after all...it was never really about getting my dream ...it was about gaining a deeper relationship with God along the way...

and even now as new dreams are dreamed...new goals are set...my prayer is that the Lord helps me to discern which dreams in my heart are from Him and which are not...

may my pursuit be more about growing closer to Him than anything else...may He give me wisdom to know how to follow my dreams and the courage to take the next steps...

and the rest...well it's just icing on the cake...

an acrostic on integrity...

one of the workshops i attended at the women's retreat at bethel church this last weekend was titled "living with integrity - how to walk your talk"

this workshop was taught by one of my favorite ladies...lisa f...

so...being the giver that i am (smile) i thought i would share an acrostic that she shared with us...to help us remember what "integrity" is all about...

the most powerful quote i have ever heard on integrity...which lisa quoted as well...is as follows:

popularity allows you to live with others...
integrity allows you to live with yourself...

an acrostic for a woman of "integrity" by lisa f...

a woman of integrity has a positive Influence on others...

a woman of integrity recognizes that it is Necessary in her life...

a woman of integrity recognizes that her body is the Temple of God...

a woman of integrity quickly admits her Errs...

a woman of integrity is Genuine...

a woman of integrity honor's God in all her Relationships...

a woman of integrity honors God with her Income...

a woman of integrity has a Teachable heart...

a woman of integrity Yields to God's word and ways...

"and whatever you do (no matter what it is) in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus and in (dependence upon) His person, giving praise to God the Father through Him."

a woman of integrity is not living by her feelings...whether she feels like it or not...it is a constant and necessary check-in...

although this was a "women's" conference...the word integrity applies to everyone...so to my men readers...just insert "a man of integrity"...

the definition of integrity is...completeness, unimpaired condition, soundness, honesty and sincerity...

what i know for sure...is that this is how i choose to live my life...is it easy? not always...because i truly do rely alot on my "feelings"...something that i have really been focusing on in my life...i have based decisions on feelings...and been let down...i have trusted people based on feelings...and been let down...

what i know for sure...is that the only one i have control over is myself...and for me...i want to be known as a woman of her word...a woman who can be trusted...a woman who is there when she says she will be...

a woman who does what is right always...whether she feels like it or not...

You want me to do what?

it has been about three weeks since i went cold turkey...

i was struggling with an issue...and praying about it...i felt that gnawing that comes...when you know the Lord is asking you to do some stuff you don't want to do...

i justified in my head and heart...why those things He was asking me to give up were not the culprits...that these things were not hurting me...were not hurting others...but yet i continued to feel Him asking me to walk away...to trust that He knew what He was doing...to trust that He knew what i needed...to trust that the outcome of my obedience would be good...

looking back...well now it makes me smile...how the Lord must have been tenderly looking down on me...waiting patiently...i know He knows me...i know He knows that i was going to fight it...
to somehow justify my side...to somehow "convince" the King of Kings...why these things He was asking me to give up...well...that He just wasn't seeing it clearly...

when i think about it...i wonder why i fight Him sometimes?

i mean...is Jesus' desire to be the Lord of my life some little fetish of His? why is it so important to Him? why should i want to give Him complete control of my life?

why do i fight Him??

what i know is that christianity is not like some drug that dulls you into obedience...it involves battle...and sometimes its excruciating to give up control...but that is why we must not feel despair if we are struggling...to struggle does not mean that we are incorrigible...it means that we are alive...

so why do i want Him to have control of my life?

besides the fact that He deserves it because of who He is...He knows that He is the only one in the universe who can control us without destroying us...

what i know for sure...is that no one will ever love me like Jesus...no one will ever know me better...and no one will ever care more for my wholeness than Him...

the last breath that Jesus breathed on the planet was for you and me...Jesus will meet you and me wherever we are and He will help us...He is not intimidated by past failures, broken promises or wounds...He will make sense of the brokenness...but He can only be the Lord of our lives...when we release control...

so as to my issue...and what i felt the Lord was asking me to do...the details are not important...what is important...is that in the three weeks that i was obedient...wonderful things have happened...

my issue...the one that for months i have been praying about...well...once i obeyed...it is slowly drifting out of my thoughts...something that for a while...i didn't think would ever happen...

now if i could just learn to be obedient to His promptings more quickly...imagine the outcome...

the great and joyful paradox is that while He totally transforms us...He makes us more ourselves than ever before...

God at work...

God never ceases to amaze me...i love hearing stories from the bible of wonderful things that He has done..but more than that...to hear stories in our day...of wonderful things He has done...and is doing...

one of the many stories that wiliam p. young...the author of "the shack" shared with those at capital christian center this last sunday...was a story of his mother...before she was married...

she was studying to be a nurse...this was some time in 1946...a couple had entered the hospital...a couple that had had 5 to 6 miscarriages already...and here...the doctor knew...they were about to go through it again...

the doctor called in a skilled nurse...and paul's mother...who at that time assisted in surgeries by standing by for anything that the doctor might need...but her main job was the clean-up after the surgeries...

the doctor started the surgery...cut out the tiny form of a baby...it was tiny...weighing in at 16 oz...one pound...the doctor handed the baby to paul's mother...a young woman at the time...single, never married...and never having a child...and told her to get rid of the baby...

in those days...getting rid of the baby meant throwing it in the incinerator...

paul's mom held this tiny baby...still breathing...and didn't know what to do...but she knew that she couldn't do what was asked of her...she set the baby down on some medical machinary in the room...the machinary was warm...keeping the baby warm...and she went about cleaning up the surgical room...

meanwhile the doctor was telling the young couple...the munn's...that the baby did not survive...

hours passed...and the baby was still alive...the young nurse finally went and told the doctor that the baby was still alive...the doctor was so angry with her...that she had disobeyed his orders...so he told her that she would be responsible to take care of the baby until it died...and that he would make sure that she would never graduate from that hospital school as a nurse...

as this young lady took care of the baby...it dropped 4 oz more before the weight started crawling back up...

the doctor went back and told the munn's that a miraculous thing had happened...and the baby was indeed alive...but most likely would not survive...

two years later...this young nurse received the invitation to a birthday party of this little boy...when she entered the house...she knew exactly which boy it was...he was tinier than all the other children at the party...but he was alive and well...

as the years went by...this nurse got married and had children of her own...one of which was william p. young (paul)...

one day there was a newspaper article about a bishop of some sort that had passed away by the name of dunn...this mother...recognized the name...and made some calls to find out if this man had a son...she found out that there was one son...he was a missionary...

she got in touch with him...when she met him...she was surprised to see a man at 6'4"...as she told him her story...the man said..."my mom & dad always knew there was more to this story...but they didn't know what it was"

during this time...paul had written his book "the shack" and his mother was reading it...as she got to about chapter 4 or 5...she couldn't continue...she couldn't grasp the severity of the story...so she asked this missionary pastor...if he would read it...and give her his thoughts...

well he did...he got the meaning...and he was able to help this mother understand how profound this story was...and how big our Father's love toward us is...

how amazing is God? this story just blows my mind...God pursues us...always...and He will go through great lengths to reach us...we may not always understand...but He truly has everything under control...

at a luncheon several weeks later...this man was speaking...and paul's mother was there...and he introduced her to everyone as the woman who saved his life...

God is alive...God is still working in us, through us, and for us...if we allow Him to...

revived...refreshed...renewed...

what a weekend...i don't even know where to begin...my heart is full...my mind is full...my soul is full...

friday and saturday i had the opportunity to go to the bethel church's women's retreat...guest speaker was one of my favorite ladies...loretta steiger...our prior pastor's wife...what an incredible woman...she can pull stuff out of the bible like no other...

the retreat's focus was on three r's...revive, refresh...renew...

i am definately revived...refreshed...and renewed...

saturday after the retreat ended...i got in my car and drove over to folsom to spend some time with my brother and sister-in-law...but also to hear william p. young...the author of "the shack"...the book i wrote about in october that changed my life...and the way i look at God, the Father...and His love for me...

the link is listed below if you would like to read my thoughts on the book...

william p. young...or paul...was speaking at the morning services at capital christian center...
his story blew me away...there wasn't a dry eye in the place...

in the evening...i headed back for the evening service...where there was a question & answer session with paul the author...
so many came forward and shared their stories of how the book impacted them...men & women of all ages...from all walks of life...
there wasn't a dry eye in the place...

what i asked the Lord for at the beginning of this weekend...was to show me Himself in a whole new way...and He did just that...and so much more...

i don't even know where to begin with all i want to share of the things i learned this weekend...
what i do know...is that the Lord is working in ways that are unimaginable to us...
what i do know...is how much He loves us...
and what lengths He will go to...to reach His children...

stayed tuned...i'll try to put my thoughts down as clearly as i can...

http://striving4prov31.blogspot.com/2008/10/forever-changed.html

when God is enough...

the other morning had some praise music on...i was diligently going through some paperwork while singing along...

one song stopped me dead in my tracks...

You're all i want...You're all i've ever needed...
You're all i want...
help me know You are near...

draw me close to You
never let me go
i lay it all down again
to hear You say that i'm Your friend
You are my desire
no one else will do
cause no one else can take Your place
to feel the warmth of Your embrace
help me find the way
bring me back to You...

i have sung this song so many times...in church...in my car...at home...but this morning...i thought long and hard to the words i was singing...

was He truly all i wanted? was He truly all i needed? i liked the knowing that He was near part...but thinking back on my prayers...and all i ask for...if my hopes and dreams did not come to fruition...would He be enough?

so i asked myself...

really? did i really mean those words? is my Jesus enough??

ultimately the question should be...is my relationship with Jesus in such a place that if He was truly all i had today...or ever...would i still be able to stand and sing those powerful lyrics?

if i look at my life...and the lives of those around me...the summary would be...that the economy is shaky...funds are tight...prices at the gas pumps are starting to creep up again...the grocery bills are rising...

so what will i do?

will i let my heart be drawn into a place of worry and fear over all the instability? or will i choose to quiet my soul and calmly proclaim, "Jesus is my provider and He is enough..."

when we ask the Lord for things...whether they be things that are good for us...some selfish...some not so much...the ultimate response after the prayer is the waiting...

the waiting is one of the hardest things we do...especially when the years go by and we see no fulfillment of our hopes and dreams...i guess if you really think about it...it's a good thing to learn to wait...as we spend a large amount of our lives waiting...

hannah in 1 Samuel knew the misery of waiting for dreams that did not come true...she was childless...it didn't help that the second wife her husband had taken...gloated in front of hannah over her many children...

hannah chose to pour out her agony before God...she was misunderstood by many...her husband didn't seem to understand her distress...and the priest, eli...thought she was drunk...

yet there was something about going before God and spilling out her trouble...well it seemed to remind hannah of who God was...she expected him to look after her, to remember her, and to give her a son...she went away content...

hannah's prayers were answered...and as she promised God...when the son was old enough..she gave him back to God...

hannah's second prayer is far different then her prayer in asking for a child...it is a song of praise to the God that she sees sovereign over all of life...

could it be that hannah learned what we need to learn? that it truly is God who makes life complete? we may ache for this or that...we concentrate on our wants and needs instead of on God...when it is God who is enough...

no wonder the scriptures tell us over and over to wait for the Lord...not for the things you want...but for the Lord...

i don't know what kinds of twists and turns might come during my life journey...but, i know the only way to travel with a joyful peace is to settle in my heart the answer to this question once and for all...so, today, i declare Jesus is enough...before i even know in what way this declaration will be tested, i've made the decision to say it, believe it and settle it...

Jesus is enough...

i think this is why Proverbs 31 is my favorite portrait of a godly woman. proverbs 31:25 reminds us, "she can laugh at the days to come.”

the proverbs 31 woman was filled with such incredible joy not because life was perfect but simply because she had decided to make laughter, peace, and truth the hallmarks of her life...

proverbs 31:30 goes on to say this was a woman to be praised because she so reverenced God in the shrine of her heart...she knew without a doubt, He was - and still is - enough.

speed reading...

i had a month to read "the garden of last days" by andre dubus III for book club tonite...

i started reading the book this morning...535 pages...i got to page 448...so i didn't quite finish the book...but i will...

book club was an interesting discussion tonite...one of the characters in the book was based on one of the 9/11 highjackers...some of this character was factual while some was fiction...

after 9/11 america started finding out more about the terrorists...where they had been, what they had studied...we learned after that horrible morning...that many of them had trained in florida and that they had been seen visiting strip clubs...

this book was based in florida...the life of a stripper, her customers, her co-workers, her three year old child...it delves into the dark and anguished places in the human heart...

"a big-hearted and painful novel about sex and parenthood and honor and masculinity...set in the steamy underside of american life at the moment before the world changed...it juxtaposes lust for domination with hunger for connection...sexual violence with family love..."

it was a hard book to read...it was raw...it was passionate...each of the characters was dealing with loneliness...and each character made choices that to them seemed right...they believe their own version of the truth...and each truth seems right while we (the reader's) are in the character's head...

i have really been enjoying the book club...the members all seem to get a kick out of me that i read the books in one day...

our last book was "love in the time of cholera" which i read in one day...

i keep telling them that i do that so that the book is fresh on my mind for discussion...they just seem to focus on the fact that i am a speed reader...

our next book will be about 200 or so pages...i know i can get that done in no time...these thick ones are killing me...or maybe i should just learn to read a book a little at a time...

my first day as a member of mprwf...

i have never been one that was very interested in politics...as i have gotten older though (did i just say that?) i have found myself wanting and needing to do more...

it is always easy to complain about how things are...or should be...and a whole other thing to get involved and try and be a participant in change...

i have gone to several meetings with the mid-peninsula republican womens's federation...but today...i became a member...

there were three areas that tugged at me...so i jumped in with both feet...and got involved...

the first is there annual fundraiser which is done in the way of a fashion show...my good friend asked if i would help in that...so i am now chairman of the models...(or something like that)
goes right along with what i love to do...

the second area that really touched me...was supporting our soldiers...i am excited about getting together some care packages for them...what a way to show our support for them...and to give them a little something...although small...to let them know that they are being thought of...and how thankful we are for their service...

at the luncheon we were given a note card...to write a personal note to a soldier...it is such a small gesture...but one that touches the hearts of many soldiers...

the third is in relation to the fundraiser...the money raised is to support and give scholarships to students...i don't need to say anymore about that...it is unfortunate when a child cannot continue school because of funds...

the speaker today was the mayor of half moon bay...he said we could just call him farmer john...as that is what his passion is...he spoke to us about our water situation here in northern california...and how we are really in a horrible drought...and in much need of water...
it was perfect that as the luncheon finished...we exited the building and it had started to rain...
for the first time...i breathed a thanks to the Lord...for sending the rain...
i have a new perspective on the rain...most know i do not like it very much...so i chose to focus on the needs...and besides...i have just been blessed with two weeks of 70 degree weather...

one of the ladies at the luncheon told my girlfriend that her friend (me) was very beautiful...gotta love that! she then proceeded to tell her that she thought i looked like angelina jolie...

ok...now i am a realist...there is nothing in my looks that is remotely even close to angelina...other than we both have brown hair...

my girlfriend (also a realist) said..."really?" and the lady said...why yes...our whole table thought so...

well...even if i'm a realist...it still made my day...gotta love those older republican women!

true connection...

"two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: if one falls down, his friend can help him up. but pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up."
ecclesiastes 4:9-10

i noticed that i had developed a habit of checking email repeatedly...and worse than that...checking facebook repeatedly...

one morning i checked it as soon as i woke up...then i made breakfast and checked it again...had my devotional time and checked it again..ran some errands and when i got home, checked it once more...

now, i do have a thing about keeping my emails sorted into folders or deleted...but this was much more that just managing emails...my heart was going back for a reason. i felt the Holy Spirit nudge me to pause and ask myself, "why do you keep checking?"

i sat there and let my heart respond honestly...i wasn't sure if it was God or me answering, but my soul intertwined with His Spirit whispered "you keep coming back because your heart longs to connect with a friend."

somewhere in the busyness of life i had let some of my friendships reduce to quick connections via email or facebook...over the past year my schedule had gotten full with my own loss, family needs, building my business, financial issues...that something had to give...i didn't want it to be my family and relationship with the Lord, so i asked God to help me find balance...

i'd felt Him leading me to cut back on the amount of time i spent talking on the phone, socializing with my networks, and hanging out with friends...although i hadn't completely cut out my friendships, my face-to-face connection time with my friends had been reduced to a minimum...that morning as i sat at my computer, i realized i hadn't found balance...the pendulum had swung too far...

here i was checking email and facebook repeatedly, trying to fill a God-created need for relationships with a white screen and black alphabet keys...

i knew i needed to make some adjustments to find a better place of balance, to fill the lonely place in my heart with friends i could talk to and share life with in person...

so this morning...i closed my laptop and called one of my closest friends...she happened to be available so i took some time off work to spontaneously meet her at a coffee shop and go for a nice long hike...it was just what i needed...

friendships are not easy to build...time is limited with lives that keep us so busy...but in this age of technology, it's important to evaluate things in our lives that create a false sense of connection like email, television, test messaging, and overboard activites...although these things are okay in moderation, they can't substitute real-life connections...we have to intentionally carve out time for friends that are in close proximity...times where we can share what's going on in our lives and, like the verse above says...encourage one another with what God is teaching us...long distance friendships are precious to me, but i also need friends close by...today i was reminded that there's just something in my heart that is filled when i connect with a friend in person...

God created us for relationships where we can see each other, hug each other and talk to each other face-to-face...Jesus knew this need, as well...i believe...He encircled Himself with intimate friends...first His Father, then His close friends john, peter and james and then the other nine disciples...He also had friends like mary, martha and lazarus that He spent time with sharing what He was learning from His Father, laughing and having a meal together...He modeled for us the picture and the power of connecting with friends...

so go ahead...call that friend you haven't seen for a while...connect in person...catch up...i promise...it will be time well spent...

a new look at the word "guidance"...

in the vast number of emails that are sent...there are always the one or two that truly tug at the heart...the ones that make you stop for a moment...the ones that profoundly affect your thought process...this is one of them...

it amazes me that someone thought of this...i have always seen the word "guidance"...read it, said it...but now...i see it differently...because of this email...
(author unknown)

"Dancing With God"

When I meditated on the word Guidance,

I kept seeing 'dance' at the end of the word.

I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.

When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.

The movement doesn't flow with the music,

and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.

When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead,

both bodies begin to flow with the music.

One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back

or by pressing Lightly in one direction or another.

It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.

The dance takes surrender, willingness,

and attentiveness from one person

and gentle guidance and skill from the other.

My eyes drew back to the word Guidance.

When I saw 'G': I thought of God, followed by 'u' and 'i'.

'God, 'u' and 'i' dance.' God, you, and I dance.

As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust

that I would get guidance about my life.

Once again, I became willing to let God lead.

My prayer for you today is that God's blessings

mercies are upon you on this day and everyday.

May you abide in God, as God abides in you.

Dance together with God, trusting God to lead

and to guide you through each season of your life.

This prayer is powerful and there is nothing attached.

There is no cost but a lot of rewards;

so let's continue to pray for one another.

And I Hope You Dance

lessons from a life lived...

from time to time, i suppose each of us stops to think about the direction our life is taking...you never could have imagined ten, fifteen, or even five years ago where you are today...living where you are...doing the job you're now doing...engaged in relationships with specific people...the losses, achievements, sorrows, and joys...

had we been the authors of our lives...we certainly would like to rewrite some parts, perhaps edit out a chapter or two...and condense or expand others...but we don't hold the power of the red pen...that role rests alone with the sovereign Author of Life...our Lord Jesus...that role is what the psalmist surrenders, in part, when he wrote..."my times are in Your hands..." psalm 31:15

i was reminded of this recently when finishing a book by corrie ten boom, a longtime hero of mine...the way corrie ten boom interwove her life and faith sets her apart...but it's an interesting fact that corrie lived 52 relatively uneventful, obscure years before God placed her in the center arena...in fact, corrie, along with her also-single sister, still lived in their childhood home with their father and quietly ran a watch repair shop until the outbreak of world war II...(you can read all about it in the classic the hiding place.)

who would have figured the course God intended for their family, including taking corrie out of holland and sending her crisscross around the world for the next 35 years? certainly not corrie...and yet, as our Author...God writes our life's chapters and determines our direction...

i can't imagine that corrie, at age 52...would have believed it if she could have seen what God had planned for the rest of her life...but that's why surrendering to the Author of our lives is always the most exciting and safest story...

kind of makes you wonder...if we were able to look ten, fifteen, or even five years into the future, could we imagine how the Lord will choose to use us?

the crosswalk...

THE CROSSWALK

Every once and a while,

a seemingly-simple message comes around that ends up being quite profound.

This is one of them.

wow..

We complain about the cross we bear but don't realize it is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we cannot.

Whatever your cross,

Whatever your pain,

There will always be sunshine,

after the rain....

Perhaps you may stumble,

perhaps even fall;

But God's always ready,

to answer your call....

He knows every heartache,

sees every tear,

A word from His lips,

can calm every fear...

Your sorrows may linger,

throughout the night,

But suddenly vanish,

by dawn's early light...

The Saviour is waiting,

somewhere above,

To give you His grace,

and send you His love.

May God fill your day with blessings!!

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!

blessing confirmations...

i woke up this morning with such a sense of thankfulness...not sure what brought it on...but as i lay in the comforts of my big bed...the warmth surrounding me...i had an overwhelming need to thank the Lord for all i have...and as i started thanking Him for things in my life...naming them one by one...i realized how blessed i truly am...

it is so easy to look and dwell on what i don't have...but when i take my eyes off of that...and focus on what i do have...well...amazing things begin to happen...

i have always been thankful for the life i've been given...it formed me into the woman i am today...the triumphs...valleys...successes...losses...and gains...have all been necessary in my growth...i get that...don't always like it...but i get it...and i welcome it...

so it was in no ways a coincidence...as i got to my computer...i read this email a friend sent me...and it solidified my prayer time this morning...there is so much to be thankful for...when we really start disecting all that we have...all that we are...and His powerful love for us...

truly...what is there to complain about?

may we focus more on our "haves" then our "wants"

You are so blessed...

If you woke up this morning

with more health than illness,

you are more blessed than the

million who won't survive the week.

If you have never experienced

the danger of battle,

the loneliness of imprisonment,

the agony of torture or the pangs of starvation,

you are ahead of 20 million people

around the world.

If you attend a church meeting

without fear of harassment,

arrest, torture, or death,

you are more blessed than almost

three billion people in the world.

If you have food in your refrigerator,

clothes on your back, a roof over

your head and a place to sleep,

you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank,

in your wallet, and spare change

in a dish someplace, you are among

the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still married and alive,

you are very rare,

especially in the United States.

If you hold up your head with a smile

on your face and are truly thankful,

you are blessed because the majority can,

but most do not.

If you can hold someone's hand,

hug them or even touch them on the shoulder,

you are blessed because you can

offer God's healing touch.

If you can read this message,

you are more blessed than over

two billion people in the world

that cannot read anything at all.

You are so blessed in ways

you may never even know.

finding my purpose...

i have found myself searching...for a long long time...as to my purpose...or more importantly...God's purpose for my life...

i am grateful...that i have finally come to realize His purpose for me...

who is to say when i came to the realization...when i finally let go of being what others deemed i should be...or what i should be doing...when i let go of all the well meaning advice...from parents, friends, colleagues...some good...some not so good...

just when or how this came about i can't say for sure...it wasn't something that happened suddenly...it wasn't some highly dramatized event in my life...there were no visions...no dreams...no voices...no words written in the clouds...

the key for me...is in looking back...that is when i see His handiwork....in my life...and my reason for being...

when i look back on my life...my search for the Lord and for the meaning He had in my life well...it has been uncertain, groping, erratic, filled with accidents, false goals...

there were times that i sensed that purpose, clearly saw it...but at times it vanished...became dim in the busy, harried, often cruel business of everyday living....

there were so many days i found myself floundering...like a fish out of water...in situations that i couldn't control...wanting answers...sometimes demanding answers...

yet somehow in all of that...He kept track of me...

i wish i could say that it was in every situation that i turned to the Lord immediately...but truth be told...when things are great...sometimes we start thinking we've got it all together...i am ashamed to admit...but there were those times i put Him on the back burner...things were going well...i still prayed...but not as fervently...as well...when things weren't going so well...i still served Him...but not with passionate devotion...

maybe because life is so filled with defeat and heartbreak, we find ourselves turning to Him more quickly...yielding more to His will in our lives...fighting less furiously for selfish, often empty goals...

and when this happens...we find that He has turned our sufferings and our failures into little stepping-stones...

i don't know why that still amazes me so much...

looking back, we see them...these rocks which gradually, all unknown to us, He has been shaping to lead us toward our purpose...my purpose...and without knowing...i have been following...however blindly...however off course i get at times...yet...He has been moving me toward it...His purpose...

and looking around..we see...i see...that there are results...there are little signals...heartening little affirmations...unexpected proofs...

what i know for sure...is that however humble our circumstances are...or no matter how undramatic our talents...our true purpose is revealed...we were meant to be this person at this time and place...not only for ourselves...but for others...we were meant to make this particular contribution to the world...

and so no matter where we are at...whatever place we find ourselves in...we must do it well...do it with faith and patience...with all of our strength and passion...and in so doing discover who we really are...and realize His purpose for us...

junk drawers...

junk drawers...i am tackling some of mine today...

it started as one...one drawer in the kitchen that held meaningless stuff...stuff that didn't have an appropriate home...so they ended up in the junk drawer...

what an appropriate name..."junk" drawer...shouldn't junk go out the door? why does it make a pitstop in my kitchen drawer...as if...over time...it will become meaningful and then have a special home of its own...

my one junk drawer has turned into 2 in my kitchen...two drawers that could be utilized for storage of other items that truly belong in the kitchen...

the problem is...i not only have junk drawers...but i have a junk room...my next big job...how did my spaceous well lit office turn into a junk room?

i know how it started...company is coming over...you have a few stacks of papers/magazines...whatever...so you place it in the room...hidden...knowing that you will get to it after the company leaves...

yet...the company leaves...life happens...other visits...next thing you know...the room is full of "junk"...junk that doesn't belong...but sits...idle...waiting for something to happen...

as i have been cleaning out my home...really cleaning out my home...i have been thinking alot of how the junk drawers...the junk room applies to my life...more importantly...my heart...

it may start with something so small...so meaningless...but we store it...saying to ourselves that we will get back to it...and deal with it...fix it...analyze it...whatever the proper adjective is...

soon these "small" things that don't belong in our lives...our hearts...well they start piling up...and there is no room for the good stuff...no room for the new stuff...no room...just a pile of meaningless junk...

the funny thing...is just like in the junk drawer...the biggest fear...is that someone would open it up..and see a drawer in complete disarray...or worse...my office...that someone would walk in...and see the mess...see the dsorder...
our fear...many times...is that people don't see our real fears...our anger...our sadness...we put up a picture perfect wall...to show how together we have got it...and maybe inside...deep down inside...we are dying...we are living a life in disarray...in a big piled mess...

i pray that as i'm cleaning out my home...of all the stuff that just doesn't belong...that i can really reflect on me...my life...my heart...and clean out the cobwebs...the hurtful words...the hard memories...the things that never were...the dreams lost...

as i'm cleaning out my junk drawers...and my junk room...i am finding a sense of relief...a sense of newness...a sense of less chaos...

as i'm learning to let go...learning to release...learning to not dwell...learning what to keep...i am finding a sense of relief...a sense of newness...a sense of less chaos...

there is room for new...there is room for dreams...there is room for the Lord to do His wonderful work in me...

lessons in reunions...

it has been a crazy week of reunions this week...

two completely out of the blue calls...

first one came from a guy i went to high school with...high school! he was the best friend of the boy that i had a HUGE crush on...as we reminisced...he brought up so many things that i had forgotten...and of course...as i knew there would be...the teasing of my crush...he laughed at me...he said it was crazy how two people could have such a crush on each other...and nothing happen...i knew my crush had a crush on me...but not till like 10 years after high school!

what can i say?? my crush and i were the best of friends...we did almost everything together...

as we talked...we comfortably got into a conversation like it was yesterday...we talked about music...which was our biggest connection...other than both being friends to my crush...
he is doing wonderful with his music...he sent me some songs to listen to that he is working on...

now we have planned me joining him on some gigs...and dinner...so i could meet his family...

the second one came in the way of an email...asking me if i was the same "elena" that had lived in burlingame...the minute i saw his name...i knew who he was...as we exchanged emails...he talked about the big crush he had on me...we had gone out a few times...we had to be about 22 yrs old or so...he asked why we never hooked up...

um...i don't know...

he reminded me of the time that i walked into a restaurant/bar area where he worked...and the dj started playing "lady in red" because...well you guessed it...i was wearing red...and he admitted that it was at that moment...that he knew that he had a mad crush on me...

i remembered that...not the crush part...but the song part...

dinner is planned so that i could meet his family...

what this week has shown me...is that i have had some pretty incredible people in my life...and both these men...in our conversations...both said i had impacted there life...as to my zest for life...my humor...my "fun" side...my spunk...

i guess sometimes i forget that...the fact that both these men want to introduce me to their families warms my heart...

people come...and people go...some people seem to return...

i think it is human nature to focus on the one that leaves...sometimes we focus on what we don't have...instead of what we do have...the Lord keeps showing me what i have...and the little that i've lost...in the big scheme of things...wasn't what i thought it was...

what i'm learning is that God has so wonderfully blessed me with incredible people...and even when some leave...He shows me that i'm still ok...still loved...still surrounded by people who love & respect me...and who truly love being around me...

i just got another email simply stating "thanks for still being you"

being stuck...

a few nite's ago i sat and pondered upon the new year...here i was...5 or 6 days into it...and nothing had radically changed...

now don't get me wrong...i am a realist (for the most part)...but in my head...i somehow thought...that the turn of the new year would somehow make me feel different...

i didn't go into the new year with grand new years resolutions...honestly...i just don't really get that...for me at least...it seems to work for others...but for me...well...there is the making of the resolutions...the stress of the resolution...and then the breaking of the resolution...

i'd rather not...

but this year...for some reason...i did feel a sense of relief to put the old year behind me...something in hearing myself say "a new year" made me think of a new beginning...

truth be told...a new beginning started a few months ago...and although i knew that intellectually...somehow i...deep down inside...wanted more...a little more...

not sure what that "more" consisted of...but i guess i was looking for something that made this year seem different...boy is that a lot of pressure to put on the changing of a year...in the first week!

things were not being done...it was as if i was stuck...

the christmas decor needed to come down...and yet...even though i woke up each day...telling myself i was going to do it...i didn't...i pushed it off to "tomorrow"...

with the looming recycle day coming soon...i needed to at least get the tree out...

so last nite...as i really started evaluating the mode i was in...i was able to at least acknowledge to myself that i was "stuck" and not able to move forward...and not wanting to go back...

what i found was that i needed to make that difference...and so i started...

baby steps...

this morning started with a coffee meeting with a potential client...it now seems that i may have her and her husband as a client...and the more we talked...the more we strategized...she was offering up many new doors for my business...

but i had to make that first step...the first step of calling her...setting up a meeting...actually getting dressed...getting out and promoting myself...

then i came home...took down the tree...hauled it out to the street...

and it is done...

those two tasks...somehow spurred something in me...my cousin had said to me this morning..."just do it...you will feel better afterwards..."

she was right...

i'm not quite sure why sometimes we get "stuck"...but it is a reality...for me...i am learning to recognize it a lot sooner...and work through it...

bottom line for me is that i know there is a big wonderful world for me to live in...and i cheat myself...when i am not living it to the fullest...

there are still a few tiny adjustments i need to make to fully move forward...and those are on the top of my list...

pruning...a necessary step...

i remember the time my mom came over to teach me how to properly prune my roses...

we had planted them that year in my front yard...five beautiful rose bushes...gorgeous roses that i was able to cut and have inside my home...in several vibrant colors...i would leave some uncut...so i would have roses in the front yard...as well as inside my home...

so back to the pruning...mom came over one brisk day...and we started in on the first rose bush...i have to admit...when we were done...there was nothing left to the once beautiful rose bushes that stood in my front yard...

tiny little stubs sticking out of the dirt...what had we done??

the only reason i didn't question it...well...my mom had beautiful roses in her yard...year after year....so whatever she was teaching me...had to be right...even though it looked SO wrong...

the amazing thing...is that the next year...i had the most beautiful roses...more vibrant and bigger than the year before...

and it has been like that...year after year...beautiful roses blooming in my front yard...

but year after year...i have pruned the rose bushes down to nothing...at the appropriate time of year...making them look like nothing...stripped of everything...

but now...i knew it was for the good of the plant...

boy...is that an exact replica of our lives lived with the Lord?

john 15:2 says: He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.

uh...yeah...

when pruning is going on in your life...well...it isn't fun...i will testify to that!

we've all had setbacks...whether it was in our jobs...possibly a relationship...maybe even a ministry...

i know for me...unfortunately...when these things happen...my first response is not always one of "i know God's got it all under control"...i eventually get to that point...but sometimes...these setbacks cause me to wonder...and question...
what's going on?
why is this happening?

the truth is...we do not see what God is doing behind the scenes...

one thing i know for sure...hard to say sometimes...but i get it...i really do...
God is more concerned and interested in our character...more than our comfort...

the pruning process...although difficult at times...is for our good...

when God is "pruning" in our lives...He is working at cleaning the areas of our lives that do not match His plans in our lives...
so as hard as it is...when it is happening...when God allows our world to be turned upside down...we may be experiencing the pruning process...so that we may produce more spiritual fruit...

for me...seeing the outcome of pruning my roses...pruning from the Lord means one thing...it is making room for more good stuff to come...the Lord is cutting things back in my life...and yours...in order to produce more...more Christ-like fruit in our words...our attitudes...and our deeds...

what could be better than that?

athough the pruning process at times has felt like torture...and doesn't always look pretty...just as my roses bloom afterwards...i focus on the outcome of the pruning process...

looking back over 100 posts...

shhh.....wait for it...

hmmm...

nothing happened...

today is my 100th post...no fanfare...no balloons...no nothing.... ;o)

ok...all kidding aside...i wasn't "expecting" it...

when i logged in this morning and saw that i had 99 posts...my first thought was...dang...i talk alot...

instead of writing i decided to go back and look over what i had written...i'd forgotten alot of the posts...some made me smile...some made me laugh...some made me think about other things...

without ever realizing...until this morning...after my fiasco with my prayer journal...this has become another barometer for me...my thoughts...my growth...my struggles...my triumphs...
how cool is that??

i remember when i started this blog...i seriously wondered if i would have enough in me to write...if anyone would read...what were my true reasons for starting it?

looking back...it amazes me how therapuetic it has been...but also...it has been amazing how my struggles...my triumphs...my loss...my joy...has helped others along the way...

just when i think...why am i writing this?
i get a comment...sometimes from a stranger...thanking me...
or an email...from someone who wanted to share personally what my post meant to them...
or "permission" to share my post with others...

how encouraging they have been...it has helped me be open...more open with what i am feeling...

i want to be a healthy open book...not share everything and anything to anyone...but not to give pat answers...not to pretend things are ok...when they may not be...not to hide excitement for something that some may think is strange...
you know what i mean...when asked how are you? you answer the "normal" response...fine fine...when deep inside...you are dying...

i guess the right word would be authentic...i want and strive to be an authentic person...

if things aren't great...i need to say so...how can others pray or somehow help? if they do not know...

if things are wonderful...i need to say so...it may be encouragement for someone...who needs to believe that things get better...

all in all...what it all boils down to ...is that no matter where i am in my life...the ONE thing that is constant...the ONE thing that never changes...is my Lord and Savior...

He is there...even when i've pushed Him off to the side...
He is there...when i'm crying a river of tears...
He is there...when i am celebrating blessings...
He is there...He is there...He is there...

if there is one theme that is picked up from my blog...may it be the awesome God i serve...

may i continue to write what i'm feeling...what i'm learning...
the good...the bad...and the ugly...;o)

yellow highlights...

prayer is a huge huge part of my life...after all...it is the time spent chatting it up with my Father up above...

i have had a book...a prayer book for many many years...in it i kept two columns...two items...date and comment of people...things...situations that i was praying for...

this was no ordinary book...i don't quite know when it started...but one day i started highlighting in yellow...every time a prayer had been answered...

some were answered soon...some took days...some took months...some took years...some were still unanswered...

but many times..when i would tell a friend that i was praying for them...i would follow it up with..."remember all the yellow highlights"

i can't quite put my finger on the value of this book...to me...

it served so many different purposes...

it was a book of hope...for when things seemed tough or chaotic...i would open it up...and see many yellow highlights...it gave me the push needed to keep praying...

it was a book of reminders...the yellow highlights served as moments in my life where God had come down and done miraculous things in the lives of my family, friends...and me...

it was a book of adventure, drama, love & loss...for it chronicled so many events in the lives of those around me...

it was a book of love...for it showed that no matter what the situation was...God ALWAYS showed up...maybe not in the way that i thought...maybe not in the way that i had hoped...but He always showed up...and showed up in a way that you knew that it was the right ending...

well...you have probably noticed that i am speaking of this book in the past tense...

this weekend...my book had an unfortunate situation....and ended up in a puddle...a big puddle of water...and by the time i realized it...it was beyond recognition...

my once bright yellow highlighted book...was completely wet...words were erased...yellow highlights strewn together with black & blue ink...no trace of the history...

i was pretty devastated...

so i contemplated...did i want to start over? it isn't really starting over...it is a continuation...but i have nothing to fall back on...
as most of my friends can attest to...i have the memory of a gnat...so this book held years and years of memories for me...

the wonderful thing is that...i may not remember specifics...but i can always remember yellow highlights...and i still can visualize opening that book and seeing all the yellow highlights...

my God still answers prayers...so i dragged myself out to the book store...had to find the perfect "new" prayer book/journal...

although it is still new...with crisp white pages...and empty...i know that it will be just a matter of time...before i see yellow highlights...filling up the pages...faster than i can pray...

new years prayer...

i read the most awesome prayer yesterday in one of my devotionals...i just had to share....
for my men readers...this is a women's devotional...so excuse the she, hers etc...and add he, his...etc...it still applies though...

if i were to to say i've made a new years resolution...i guess this prayer would summarize it...my goal this year and every year...is to grow in my walk with the Lord....that i may be so in sync with him...that everything else...just falls in comparison...

this is written by wendy blight...who decided one year to forego the resolutions...and instead write a prayer...

Pour out your heart like water before the face of the Lord.” Lamentations 2:19a (NKJV)

here are her words:

It’s a new year. What is on your heart? What would you like to accomplish? What would you like to change? Have you made any New Year’s Resolutions?

A few years ago, I gave up making New Year’s Resolutions. I could never keep them. One year, instead of a resolution, I wrote a prayer. Throughout the year, I watched in amazement as God worked in my life and in the lives of others through my simple prayer.

Today, I would like to pray for you. Below is the prayer that the Lord put on my heart. As you read it, I invite you to use it as a model. Sit with the Lord and ask Him to help you personalize this prayer for you.

Father in heaven, thank You that You are Sovereign. Thank You that You know each precious woman reading this devotion. You planned for her to meet You here today. You created her heart. You know her every need, her deepest desires, and her open wounds. Lord, I ask that in this new year, You would fall afresh on her.

Father, You are Holy and call us to be Holy. Yet, we confess that so often our hearts wander from You, our speech does not glorify You, and our actions do not honor You. Soften our hearts to receive the words Your sweet Spirit has to speak to us. Clothe us with humility. Take away our desire to always be right and have our own way. Help us to seek Your Word in all that we say and do. Help us to submit to Your Word; allow it to penetrate those deep places in our hearts that resist change. If necessary, put us through the refiner’s fire to burn off those things that keep us from walking in step with Your character.

Give us hearts that love and seek after Truth above all else. Give us wisdom and discernment to reject the lies of this world and the evil one. Guide us into all Truth. Guard our hearts and keep our eyes fixed on You. Grow in us those things that will make us more like You. As we study Your Word, fill us and saturate us with You!

Today, Father, we surrender our thoughts, our speech, and our hearts. Thank You that You are Faithful and True. We trust You will do a mighty work in us and through us this year and carry it on to completion until the day we step into eternity with You. Help us to trust in You with all our hearts and lean not on our own understanding. Help us to acknowledge You in all our ways so that we can hear Your voice as You say, “This is the way, walk in it.”

Lord, we love You and thank You that You love us. May our lives be a living testimony of You. We ask this in the powerful and mighty name of Your Son, Jesus Christ our Lord who will do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

a new day...a new year...

well - it is the first day of 2009...to my faithful readers...i wish you a fabulous "new" year...

for today...i want to post one of my favorite "a creed to live by"

there are many...this one is simple but profound...a great reminder to us all...

A Creed To Live By

Nancye Sims

Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others.

**

It is because we are different that each of us are special.

Don't set your goals by what other people deem important.

Only do what is best for you.

**

Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them life is meaningless.

**

Don't let life slip through your fingers by living in the past or in the future. By living one day at a time you live all days of your life.

**

Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.

**

Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. It is the fragile thread that binds us to each other.

**

Don't be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

**

Don't shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible. The fastest way to lose love is to hold to it tightly, and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

**

Don't dismiss your dreams. To be without dreams is to be without hope, to be without hope is to be without purpose.

**

Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savoured each step of the way.