finding my purpose...

i have found myself searching...for a long long time...as to my purpose...or more importantly...God's purpose for my life...

i am grateful...that i have finally come to realize His purpose for me...

who is to say when i came to the realization...when i finally let go of being what others deemed i should be...or what i should be doing...when i let go of all the well meaning advice...from parents, friends, colleagues...some good...some not so good...

just when or how this came about i can't say for sure...it wasn't something that happened suddenly...it wasn't some highly dramatized event in my life...there were no visions...no dreams...no voices...no words written in the clouds...

the key for me...is in looking back...that is when i see His handiwork....in my life...and my reason for being...

when i look back on my life...my search for the Lord and for the meaning He had in my life well...it has been uncertain, groping, erratic, filled with accidents, false goals...

there were times that i sensed that purpose, clearly saw it...but at times it vanished...became dim in the busy, harried, often cruel business of everyday living....

there were so many days i found myself floundering...like a fish out of water...in situations that i couldn't control...wanting answers...sometimes demanding answers...

yet somehow in all of that...He kept track of me...

i wish i could say that it was in every situation that i turned to the Lord immediately...but truth be told...when things are great...sometimes we start thinking we've got it all together...i am ashamed to admit...but there were those times i put Him on the back burner...things were going well...i still prayed...but not as fervently...as well...when things weren't going so well...i still served Him...but not with passionate devotion...

maybe because life is so filled with defeat and heartbreak, we find ourselves turning to Him more quickly...yielding more to His will in our lives...fighting less furiously for selfish, often empty goals...

and when this happens...we find that He has turned our sufferings and our failures into little stepping-stones...

i don't know why that still amazes me so much...

looking back, we see them...these rocks which gradually, all unknown to us, He has been shaping to lead us toward our purpose...my purpose...and without knowing...i have been following...however blindly...however off course i get at times...yet...He has been moving me toward it...His purpose...

and looking around..we see...i see...that there are results...there are little signals...heartening little affirmations...unexpected proofs...

what i know for sure...is that however humble our circumstances are...or no matter how undramatic our talents...our true purpose is revealed...we were meant to be this person at this time and place...not only for ourselves...but for others...we were meant to make this particular contribution to the world...

and so no matter where we are at...whatever place we find ourselves in...we must do it well...do it with faith and patience...with all of our strength and passion...and in so doing discover who we really are...and realize His purpose for us...