this last week was the end to a pretty remarkable bible study series...and i'd be lying if i didn't say that i was touched...convicted...stirred...moved...throughout the weeks...but that is good...right? i think if we sit and have no emotion...no feeling...something is seriously wrong...of course...me with my emotions...well...(insert laugh) that alone could be a comedy hour...not in that i have emotions...but that for the most part...i just can't hold it in...and many times when it was my turn to share...i would almost want to hold back...not because of what i wanted to share...but because i knew...that my voice would crack...and the tears would almost always follow...after the first few weeks...the group embraced it...and laughed along side me...and by the end...we just ignored the tears...but got to the heart of the matter...the words...whether they were accompanied with the tears...didn't matter...it is who i am...
so this last week...the end...the summary of all things...it was pretty intense...by this point...our group had become very vulnerable with each other...but we also saw how each one of us had grown...had gotten a little stronger...and had become accountable to the others in the group...so powerful...one of the things we talked about this last week was forgiveness...
here is one thing i know about forgiveness...that still is a struggle at times for me...but i take it...one day at a time...
often times...feelings sneak up on us...you think you’re ok...you think you’ve forgiven and you’re not angry anymore...but then something happens that reminds you...
a smell...
a song...
a name...
and there it is again...it appears on the surface of your memory as if it happened an hour ago...every emotion...every move...every moment replayed in your head...
the questions start...
how could she?
i thought he loved me?
why?
it can be like a disease...i knew a woman once...who i believe that it literally killed her...this disease...she could NEVER forgive...when she died...there were stacks found of calendars where she had documented everything that those around her didn’t do..."sarah didn’t call...” “bill canceled coming over...” “joe & rita didn’t send birthday cards...” she was so miserable...she couldn’t forgive...she never understood grace...
and i didn’t either...until one day when i stood face to face to such a big rejection...someone who i thought loved me...supported me...and was above all...one of my dearest friends...among the anger, pain, and devastation somehow grace lurked...it tapped me on the shoulder and offered to be the first step in my healing...
soon...forgiveness danced around my head and wondered if maybe it could stay for a while...i toyed with it for days...months...
today...i saw a picture...social media is funny because you can run but you can’t hide...but...yah know...it wasn’t there anymore...no anger...no disdain...actually, i cried for what could have been...this person understood me like no one ever really has...and honestly...i miss that...
i took a deep breath and felt a little lighter...we can do this...me and God...
you can do it too...throw away your mental inventory of hurts and disappointments...life is tough and people are flawed...and even if you never hear “i’m sorry...” forgive anyway...
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