coincidence? i think not...

today one of my dearest friends told me that she is buying us tickets to the women of faith conference...

i've wanted to go - but i found out about it late...and i was procrastinating...but really felt in my heart that i needed to go...that the Lord wanted me to go...but yet...here i was still "thinking" about it...

guess the Lord really wants me there!

my girlfriends remark to me when i said i could buy my own ticket was "i know you can...but lets just say that i pick up the tab and you not worry about it...you have been stressed to the max and honestly we both need a refreshing...let a friend be a friend...and let us go and hear God's word"

i am so thankful for the women that God has placed in my life...they are women that are there for me, that will tell me things i may not want to hear...but need to, and every once in a while...will do that little extra something that just confirms the incredible bond we share.

thank you dear friend for being you!

forgiving myself...

i have often wondered why i, at times...can be so hard on myself...it is far easier for me to forgive those who have wronged me...then it is for me to forgive myself...

it is easy to look back at a situation and see all the things that you could have done differently...the hard part is having to look at it...after the fact...and realize that there were things you could have done to prevent it...and the warning signs were there all along...

i realize that there are three sides to every situation...every story...your side, the offender's side...and most importantly...God's side...people always say...my perception is my reality...but i have come to realize that the view from God's side is the most accurate...always...

i believe that in every situation...we play a part...even if that part is subtle...such as staying or believing in a relationship too long...we...more accurately...i must take responsibility for not taking better care of myself.

looking back on the most recent situation...i knew i needed to forgive myself on many levels...for giving my heart away to someone who didn't really want it. for refusing to pay attention to all the signs. for rejecting sound counsel in the name of "you just don't understand." for asking the Lord for guidance...but not listening. for compromising my walk with Him. my sexuality. my values. my faith. for seeking fulfillment from the wrong source. for being so desperate to be loved, that i let down my guard to embrace a "feel good" moment. for snatching my heart out of God's loving hands to give to one who was undeserving. for failing to wait on God. for failing to trust Him to give me a good and perfect gift.

i knew that God had forgiven me...i knew that i had forgiven the one who had hurt me...why couldn't i forgive myself? because i should have known better? because i now had to admit i was wrong? because i had to face the fact that i was so wrong in reading someone? because i had to admit that even though i had prayed for His perfect will...i came in and manipulated my own course?

what i know is that i needed to make a decision...holding on to what i did or didn't do would not let me move forward...i knew that i needed to give myself a "break" and forgive myself...

forgive myself...but not forget...i believe that God heals memories..but i do not believe He will allow us to forget and lose the lesson. the day that my heart was broken...you couldn't have told me that anything good could come out of it...but now it is clearly evident...i am wiser for this experience...bitter as it was.

truly i am better for my brokenness. i think that going forward i will be more careful in giving my heart away...i now know the wisdom of denying myself pleasantries that will only waste my time, my heart...and mostly my emotions. i know that i need to be kinder to myself, knowing that God says i am worthy of more than i previously settled for.

there is no way around the lessons of life...i have two choices...i can remain in the same spot...or i can move forward...knowing that the hand of God shields me. in my learning i find wholeness & strength. i have made peace with myself. my issues are settled at last...i am all right with me...

who am i, that the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords desires me? i am simply me. fearfully and wonderfully made.

nite out on the town...

last nite i had the wonderful opportunity of being taken out on the town...it has been a LONG time since i had a nite like that...

the first "excitement" was going to the recesses of my closet and pick which lbd (little black dress) i would wear...it was a dressy event...and for this fashionista...well...that is excitement all on its own...

i recently reconnected with a friend from around 10 years ago...we had worked together...and had become good friends...then his business took him out of state...and we lost touch...

so three weeks ago - he took a chance and dialed the number that he had for me...and there i was (yes...i still have the same number!) we made plans to have dinner...he said he would take care of everything...my job was to look fabulous! no pressure!

we went to one of my favorite restaurants (he remembered) the farallon in san francisco...this restaurant used to be the elks club...and the restaurant was built over the swimming pool...but the ceiling of the old elks club still remains...absolutely brilliant!

dinner was followed up with a walk over to the starlight room...another one of my favorite spots for some music and dancing...

we laughed (a lot)...we reminisced about all the old times...but mostly we talked..and caught up with each others lives...he is here to stay for a while...and i have committed to be his "date" for major events in the city...well...until he finds that special someone...

it was the perfect evening in that there was no romantic pressure - it was just two friends reconnecting...but i loved that even though there was no romance...he always treated me like a lady...there is something about a man who treats every woman like a lady...even if that woman is not "his" lady...major points!

he told me i looked hot!...and then retracted and said..."no...actually you look beautiful...just like i remember"... he put his hand on the small of my back as he led me through the restaurant...he walked on the side closest to the street...he held the door for me...he was the perfect gentleman...

it was an evening where i truly felt like a princess...looks like i'm going to have to pull out some more lbd's...yeah!

this is the time of my life...

ok...other than really really lovin david cook's voice...the most recent american idol winner...his first song has really been my "go to" song this week...i posted the lyrics to the song at the end of this post...

i had my hopes kinda wrapped up and geared toward one direction...and when that one hope shattered in front of me in a matter of a phone call...it really made me sit and take notice...how easy it was for me to grab onto something that never really was mine...but in my head...i somehow managed to justify the good of the situation (and there were many good moments)...and ignore the not so good...the not so good consisted more of settling for scraps instead of someone giving me there whole heart...

this song talks about "this" being the time of my life...i really want to live that way...to not have tunnel vision when pursuing one hope...i don't believe that there is anything wrong with pursuing something that you want or hope for...but when it stands in the way of seeing other hopes and dreams...or pursuing just the one...it could all come crashing down...

i honestly did not see that i had wrapped so much of me in one dream...until it came crashing down...at that moment...all i could muster up was..."now what?" i couldn't believe that i couldn't think of any other hopes and dreams that i had...because i had put all my focus on the one...and when left with nothing...it made me take a good long look at so many dimensions of that...

i love that i give my all to relationships...friends or otherwise...the danger comes in forcing something that should happen naturally...when it's a hope or dream...when do you stop "trying" and realize that the "trying" has become obsessive and limits you from other hopes and dreams that are ready to be revealed...

in this song it speaks about "i'll taste every moment"...i want to live like that...to be so in awe of every moment in my life...every time spent with those who love me...hearing the laughter in a child...the flowers blooming in my garden...the sunrise...

i want to get back to lost loves...travel, the ballet, the opera, the symphony...there was a time in my life where i couldn't wait to experience new things...to share my loves with others...i was the "go to" person for info on the best new restaurant...what events were the events to go to...somewhere all of those were put on the sidelines...because i wanted this one dream to come true...with the one peson who i thought it would come true with...

how sad to waste life...waiting for something that may never come...and in the meantime...all this wonderful "life" is happening around me...

this song resonates what i am going back to...this was the way i lived at one time...somewhere i lost me...this week has been so refreshing for me...in losing a dream i gained "me" back...
as i told my best friend this week..."i felt like i lost everything i dreamed for...but now i am in such a great position..because all i have now to look forward to are God's wonderful surprises"
what could be better than that...seriously!

so i will taste every moment and live it out loud...this is the time of my life...

"the time of my life"

I’ve been waiting for my dreams

To turn into something

I could believe in

And looking for that

Magic rainbow

On the horizon

I couldn’t see it

Until I let go

Gave into love and watched all the bitterness burn

Now I’m coming alive

Body and soul

And feelin’ my world start to turn

And I’ll taste every moment

And live it out loud

I know this is the time,

This is the time

To be more than a name

Or a face in the crowd

I know this is the time

This is the time of my life

Time of my life

Holding onto things that vanished

Into the air

Left me in pieces

But now I’m rising from the ashes

Finding my wings

And all that I needed

Was there all along

Within my reach

As close as the beat of my heart

and I’ll taste every moment

And live it out loud

I know this is the time,

This is the time to be

More than a name

Or a face in the crowd

I know this is the time

This is the time of my life

Time of my life

And I’m out on the edge of forever

Ready to run

I’m keeping my feet on the ground

Arms open wide

Face to the sun

I’ll taste every moment

And live it out loud

I know this is the time,

This is the time to be

More than a name

Or a face in the crowd

I know this is the time

This is the time of my life

Time of my life

More than a name

Or a face in the crowd

This is the time

This is the time of my life.

This is the time of my life.

reminder...

the first time i entered the church of the immaculate heart of mary in belmont was in 1988...20 years ago...it was a joyous day...i remember everything being so pink...pink everywhere...it was carol's favorite color...and it was carol's wedding day...

the second time i entered the church of the immaculate heart of mary in belmont was last week...it was carol's funeral...

death is a natural event in life...we all know...somewhere in the back of our minds...that it is inevitable...but when it takes the life of someone who was still so young...sometimes it is hard to grasp...it makes one snap into reality...again...and it reminds you that life should not be taken for granted...our life should not be taken for granted...

i don't think that the majority of people take life for granted...i think we just get caught up in the every day of "life" and sometimes...well our focus may get a bit muddled...

carol had battled cancer for 7 years...her last 7 years of life were planned around chemo and radiation and pain...she had every reason to curl up in a ball and say..."life is not fair"...why me?"...as her friends and family spoke of her...no one could say that she ever muttered a complaint of her situation...wow...

when i think of that...well...it really blows my mind...i mean...if anyone had a reason to complain...i would say it could have been carol...she knew her life was coming to an end...she knew that she was going to leave behind two young children...she knew that she was going to leave the husband she had loved for 20 years...she knew that she was a good person...

it really makes me take a step back and think about two things in particular...how am i taking my life for granted? how can i possibly complain about my miniscule situations that come and "shake me up" a bit...

carol had such a zest for life...to her last day...she savored every minute given to her...and made the best of it...she constantly talked about the important things in life...family, friends, love...she had passion for sports & competition & work...but her main passion always revolved around her family & friends...and she made each one of them feel it...even during her worst times...

funerals serve as reminders that we are not promised tomorrow...and it jostles us (hopefully) to rearrange our priorities...not to sweat the small stuff...and remember what life is truly all about...

God's timing in the smallest way...

this is the adorable face that i have woken up to the last few mornings...bucky belongs to a good friend of mine...

God's timing never ceases to amaze me...my girlfriend had asked me to dog sit bucky about a month ago...and of course i said that i would...fast forward a month...and after a very emotional and hard week...i pack up and head over to stay with bucky...my girlfriend and her husband live in a very tranquil neighborhood...so could it be that this was all in God's timing? i believe so...

i needed to get away...i wanted to get away...and in this serene tranquil setting...i was able to think and pray and relax...the home is on the water...so i spent hours sitting on the deck...getting in tune with nature...and all its beauty...mostly i just sat...and listened to the silence...and just let the Lord soothe my soul...it was what i needed...

in the mornings i woke to birds chirping...ducks quacking...and a beloved little face looking up at me...tail wagging...ready to start the day...it renewed me...and it got me out...walking through the neighborhood...everytime i would look at bucky...his little tail would start wagging...he always made me smile...

even though i am not a big tv watcher..even that was set up for me...big screen tv in the living room...big screen tv in the bedroom...yes...the bedroom...you need to understand...for someone who has never had a tv in the bedroom...that is quite the treat!

today is my last day with bucky...but i'm thankful for this small blessing that i received...God is always with us...through the good times and the bad times...i know that - but sometimes in the heat of the moment...i believe that if we look up...we can see God's timing in the smallest way magnified ten fold...

Yearning...

"To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not rich; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, await occasions, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common--this is my symphony." -William Henry Channing

finding treasures...

saturday i spent the day with a friend scouring antique shops for that "perfect" treasure...we were on a mission for vintage buttons for a specific coat...but...when looking for treasures...you must keep an open mind while staying focused at the same time.

this has been a hobby of mine for a long long long time...way before it was considered the "cool" & "trendy" thing to do...in fact...often times my friends would laugh at me (in fun...i think?) at my love for vintage clothing...they just called it old...and now...its become quite the rave....even my mother would often say to a piece of my outfit (it looks old...or it looks like the pattern of a sofa)...but yes...you guessed it...i didn't much care...because i loved it...and that is what truly matters when it comes to my clothes, my furniture, my whatever...

in scouring antique stores, estate sales, flea markets, garage sales and thrift stores...i have uncovered some incredible treasures...what i enjoy of this hobby is not only the finding of it...among the piles and piles of useless junk...but the moment when you first see it...and you know...you just know...that it is the perfect treasure...

to name a few of my favorite finds...
my goldish yellow jacket with mink collar...for pretty much close to nothing! absolutely luscious!!
my italian nesting tables that were made for my home...(yes...that is how perfect they match)
my beautiful vintage rings (too many to name individually)

my "best" scouring story...would have to be the day i went to a garage sale...there was a pile of ragged dolls in a huge bin...i noticed the madame alexander doll right away...i had been collecting them for years...i didn't want to look overly excited...as to let on...that i knew that i had found a priceless treasure...i asked the gentleman the price of the dolls...he said $5.00...again trying not to look to excited over my possible new addition to my collection...i asked if he had any of the boxes from the dolls...he pointed to a corner in the garage...a pile of old boxes...and there it was...the blue with pink box...known by madame alexander doll lovers...i pulled the box out...paid the gentleman...and weeks later...my beautiful madame alexander doll was appraised at over $900...what a treasure...

saturday...i found no treasures...but i still enjoyed the pursuit...it just means that there will be another day...another pile of useless junk that i will scour through...and find...that perfect perfect treasure that was meant just for me...

a new day...

we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. and hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.
romans 5:3-5

ok - i'm not quite at the rejoicing part...but i am able to see a new day...and all that comes with it.

all i could muster up at the beginning of this week was "oh God, help me." but it was enough...perhaps it wasn't really about getting an answer right away...it was more about a little comfort...as i released myself and my pain into His welcoming hands...a warmth surrounded me...

and then the answers began to come, one by one. a revelation here, an understanding there...slowly the darkest part of my mind and heart started lighting up a bit...more clearly defined. the answers started coming...some i didn't like, yet how could i be offended when they told the truth.

perhaps...sometimes...this is why we do not call on God right away...His answers are not like those of our friends...friends who love you and will be partial to you...His answers may require us to take responsibility for our hearts and our lives...not an easy thing to do when your heart is broken. His answers also require change...

pain yanks us back to reality...it insists that we take a closer look...it points a finger at the things we must fix...pain is...well...painful...but i also believe that pain is good...it could be a teacher...and it could direct us back to the right place...pain leads us to God.

what i know is that change is not easy...but i also know that the closer i draw to Him...the more clearly i see my heart healing...

i will no longer despair over where i have been. my future looks nothing like my past..because i know that God will not allow it...He does not want me to stay the same...He challenges me to spread very reluctant wings and start to fly...

i believe that i am...one day at a time...

lesson learned...

what i've learned this week...well actually what i've always known...but chose to ignore...

intimacy without responsibility always leads to heartbreak...someone will always get hurt...the most devastating thing about this week has been to give my all to a relationship, only to discover that i was on the path to nowhere. i felt i had taken the right path and found myself victim to my own sincerity and honest effort.

my relationship was misleading in that it was wrapped in the guise of "friendship." my heart screams out to you...guard your heart when someone says, "we are just friends," but continues to make intimate overtures in conversation and other gestures that make you hope for more. when someone dangles the inviting carrot of a promising relationship before you, he may be making that same commitment to someone else...but able to absolve himself by reminding you, "we are just friends"

i think the worst part of all this is the rejection that follows - you feel rejection and betrayal...and instead of being outraged by his dishonesty and insensitivity, you may begin to question your own worth: what's wrong with me? what did i do wrong? why wasn't my love returned?

it these feelings are allowed to simmer...they will eventually bear the fruit of bitterness...i refuse to go there...and thankfully...my friends surrounding me will not allow me to go there...

i went yesterday to the ice cream shop where one of my nieces works...i just needed a treat...ice cream seemed to be the right fix at the moment...

as i walked in - she gave me an extra big hug...then she served me up a scoop of the most divine dutch chocolate...and then as i left...she gave me an extra long hug...

now thats the way to get love! last nite...she followed it up with the most heartfelt email to me - it solidified what i already knew...but it meant the world to hear it from her...thanks doll!

what i know is that no one is exempt from hurt or from heartache at some point in their life. i think that the process is to allow yourself to grieve over lost love - but for a time...i have allowed myself to cry...i have allowed myself to be angry...i've drowned my sorrow in ice cream...i think i still need a round of shopping therapy ;o)...but i know that i know that i will be able to move on...

i am thankful for lessons learned...i am thankful that in the midst of sadness...i am surrounded by more love than some people have in a lifetime...and above all...i have a God who has never let go of me...i choose to place my broken fragile heart in His capable hands for safekeeping and allow Him to guard my affections going forward.

broken heart...

the betrayal of someone who i thought carried my fragile heart with care and the loss of another friend to cancer all in one day is a lot to handle for this girl...but i made it through yesterday...it was a tough day...full of tears which lead to major headache...but there were some moments of good - in a day full of sorrow...love was all around.

my first breakdown occurred walking down my stairs...i fell to the floor sobbing...and my two cats came to the rescue...immediately they both curled up on each side of me...and just sat with me...for many this may seem like nothing..to me...it was everything....

i had snippets of emails & phone calls throughout the day...well meaning friends...all letting me cry & talk & repeat...

then my doorbell rang...and at the door stood my beautiful niece & her mom with home baked chocolate chip cookies, flowers & bella the chihuahua all ready to deliver hugs & kisses...and deliver them they did...

my best friend called and listened as no one else can do...she knew the pain i was feeling...i know she wanted to take it away from me...if only she could...but she did the next best thing...she let me cry...and she told me that i would be sad...and then i would be angry...and that all these emotions are ok...

so...another day begins...and although i feel numb...i do have a sense of hope that everything is going to be ok with me...my heart was always in the right place...and i cannot be hard on myself for trusting in someone who i thought had my back as i had his.

i leave you with a poem that talks about the harshness of giving away your most precious fragile heart to someone who doesn't see it as that...unfortunately i am unsure of the author...


i watched him as he casually dropped it
this my heart
flicking it to the wind
like the ashes of a cigarette that had lost its fire
i silently screamed
sensing the danger of pain
moving to rescue it from its plummet
i sensed the lateness of the hour
gone was the opportunity to run from rejection
the die had been cast
the deed had been done
without hesitation without thought
so happy was i to find a willing candidate
to stand guardian over my love
i abdicated my post as the keeper of my heart
with no formal references
hiring an unworthy unqualified stranger
now sensing in afterthought the value of that
which has been broken
the stinging realization of what i had done
rivaled my disappointment
as my tears washed away the last
shades of rose from my eyes
i realized
the blame was all mine
for i had left my heart in the wrong place.

who can say when the heart makes its decision
or by whose clock it chooses to sound
signaling the quickening of its pulse
the rise in tempature
the struggle to keep pace with accelerated breaths
in a moment it seems
unexplainable
imperceptible
it merely disassociates itself from reason
to stake its own claims
to revel in dancing for no chronicled purpose
just because...
oh just because...
because it feels better to fly without thought
to celebrate a departure from the norm
to nestle in a place that strangely feels like home
who knows
who can say when its the right time to fall in love
to release one's self into another's arms
to say yes to it all
to bravely give yourself away
and feel the better for it
who can say
who can say when it's right to stand with extended hands
open
freely giving what you once held dear
who can say...
can it be that no friend can step forward
no enemy can give deceptive warnings
no earthly alarm can say what the pain in my heart says best
what my feet should have known
that once again i have moved to soon
a step out of time
i allowed my heart to clasp the hands of the wrong partner
and dance to the wrong rhythm
at the wrong party
on the wrong night
at the wrong time...

was it something i said?
something i did?
or was my rejection
predetermined by the fact that i was simply me?
the wrong one
in the wrong place
at the wrong time
obviously in the wrong frame of mind
based on my wrong opinion
that you were right for me
somewhere along the way
what started as a pleasant journey
took us somewhere foreign
incomprehensible
indiscernible
it's hard to say when we took the wrong turn
nevertheless it happened
but so lost were we
in one another's arms
no one noticed
until it was too late
to save our hearts from pain
our names from shame
our hopes from being disappointed
and not being willing to
share equal parts in the mistake
we chose to blame one another
for not taking better care of our hearts
denying all the while
that perhaps we both made wrong assumptions
while being distracted
by the chemistry that got in the way
causing us to be shortsighted
in the midst of the smoke
hard truths became fuzzy
blurring the road before us for far too long
before it became crystal clear
that we had done
the wrong thing...

carol...

i just got word that my dear friend carol passed away yesterday afternoon...

i am numb...

even though i knew it was coming...it is still so hard to hear...she battled cancer for so many years...and in the end...she was in alot of pain...as her dad says...she is in heaven now...pain free...

carol loved life - she instilled that in her two young children...everybody loved her...everyone will miss her...

to the last minute of her life she lived every moment...even in her pain she could see good in everything...

God gave her to us two weeks longer than the doctors had anticipated...i'm thankful for that time...and i'm thankful that she is feeling no more pain...

please keep her family in your prayers...

heartache...

heartache comes to us in many forms...the only thing i'm really sure about when it comes to heartache...is that sooner or later it will hit you...some of it may be intentional...some may not be...but it hurts none the less...

we are human and we make mistakes...we have done things and things have been done to us...there are moments in our life that leave marks in our souls...cruel words, heartbreak, rejection, abuse, pain, or loneliness...and it doesn't stop...not when you open up your heart to another...its a chance we take...and although for me...when i face heartbreak...my instant response is to curl up in a ball and hide away...till the hurt goes away...the problem is the hurt doesn't go away...not quickly anyway...and it may not truly ever go away...but it does fade...

not everyone can find a safe place to share a broken heart; a place to receive love, understanding, and care. what compounds the pain is realizing that others do not understand, or hearing them say, "get over it."

we have become used to living with our pain. we almost don't notice it anymore; it's just the way things are. i guess that would be an ok way of thinking if in fact the heartache remained somewhere in a back closet somewhere...but brokenness is never quiet or completely in the past. some of the pain we experienced as children or in other relatonships as we have grown...have resurfaced...it affects the choices we make and the way we respond to life, to God, and to others.

the fact remains that we are wounded by life, by each other, by our poor choices or the poor choices of others. and even as my close friends in the past have shared words of wisdom...assuring me that God was with me and would walk with me every step of the way...i heard their words but they slipped through the cracks of a broken heart.

my niece once quoted to me "a relationship in secret is not a relationship worth keeping" and so the truth is now out...a relationship in secret...one that broke my heart yet once again...and i say it over and over...why do i keep holding on...

joseph fort newton - we cannot tell what may happen to us in the strange medley of life. BUT we can decide what happens IN us, how we take it, what we do with it - and that is what really counts in the end.

so what happens now? my friend said to me "i know you want to go to church and put flyers on every car window telling your side of the story" what i know is that i need to trust God with my reputation, I can't make it my job to make people see the truth. many times when i have been tempted to defend myself...i've had to stop myself and say, "you know what, Lord? i'm not going to get caught up in this. i'm going to focus on what You think of me"

God promises that He is near to the brokenhearted, and i feel Him near me in these moments. i know that He is going to help me. i know that His help may not come in the form i think it would come...but in the midst of my pain and brokenness, God will meet me in such a real way and give me His peace.

loving yourself enough to say goodbye...

is seems like so long ago that this happened in my life...but some of the feelings came back this weekend when a girlfriend shared her current relationship with me...it was as if she was talking about me...the difference was...that i had stepped away from it...she was at the point where she needed to make some hard decisions...

when i was in the depth of my relationship - i never imagined that i would one day be able to share with another and somehow be able to truly understand and help...it was a time in my life that caused great heartache - my friends did not understand, my family did not approve...but more than anything...i did not know how to walk away...

the relationship lasted way longer than it should have...not all of it was a "relationship" as in boyfriend/girlfriend...some of it was just trying to remain friends...all in all...it cost me dearly...this was one of the lowest moments in my life...and i felt trapped. what i realize now...is that no matter how much i wanted to blame him for all he did...i had to come to the realization that i allowed him to treat me as he did...

i spiraled out of control as my self esteem disappeared - i remember how worried my friends were...they listened - not understanding why i stayed...i didn't understand...how could i even begin to explain it to them...but i tried.

it took years to get to the point where i started loving myself enough to realize that i did not deserve the treatment i was getting...no one did...what i realized was that i needed to permanently sever ties. and i did...but it took many years...i finally came to see that it was time to call it "quits" when the pleasure i got out of the relationship didn't outweigh the hurt, anger or frustration i felt

for me, cutting off all contact with this man was my only option. when he called to see how i was doing and wanting to talk once again, i said, "no thanks. i only see men who treat me well." after i hung up the phone, i realized that i had finally set and enforced my personal limits. not only was it empowering and liberating, but i can't believe i lived any other way.

although i am not in a relationship now - i do know that a relationship built on real love feels good. it isn't selfish & it doesn't cause you anxiety. when someone really loves you he understands that you are lovable just because you are you.

a relationship requires work (as all my married friends confirm) but if it is healthy, it should bring you joy...not just some of the time...but most of the time. it should never require you losing your voice, your self-respect, or your dignity. it should involve bringing all of who you are to the table - and then walking away with more.

when all is said & done - one of the valuable moments in life is whether we have loved others and whether they have loved us...

and more imortant than that...do we love ourselves enough not to settle for any less than that...

to my girlfriend - because right now you don't believe it...you are worth so much more than you see right now...and i am going to keep on reminding you of that...just as my friends did me...

i'm here for you.

coffee with dad...

simple pleasures...i have always noticed them...but for some reason...lately...i really seek to find them...

this morning...my simple pleasure was having coffee with my dad. he came over to drop off some things for me...things consist of "food" he brings from his many jaunts in the city to something mom may have cooked...when he is coming over...i always put a pot of coffee on...for our talks...our talks are simple...really about nothing...but for me...it is time with my dad...

this morning was no exception...he talked about his fruit trees..of which he is so proud...i listened...he spoke of the many deals he got in the city from fruit to meat...i listened...

the funny thing about my visits with dad...he has never really been an animal lover...my two cats absolutely gravitate toward him... he clumsily pets them...i try and shoo them away...and he tries to pretend he really likes them...i don't know why this scene that happens every time he comes over...puts a smile on my face...but it does...

although our conversations are simple...and really not about anything...i cherish these times with my dad...i was always daddy's girl growing up...and in a lot of ways...even in my forties...i still am...i love the look he gives me...the one only shared between a daughter and her dad...

i could see the affects of age and working hard in a blue collar industry that are showing in my dad...he doesn't walk as straight and strong as he used to...he also gets very emotional when he talks about seeing old friends or family...but i still see him as the strong man that kept our family safe and secure...

he moved to california from argentina because he wanted a better life for his children...the children he didn't yet have...just married...he left his family and the comfort of a country he was familiar with...with his new bride...he came to the states with $50 in his pocket...not knowing the language...he worked any job he could find...

when i think back on that story...i see how far my dad (and mom) have come...he now speaks english (although with a heavy accent) and has built a very comfortable life for his wife and three children that now are all grown and out of the house...

what i do know...is that my childhood was pleasant...full of love and happiness...that came from the love that my mom & dad had for their family. they always taught me not to take things for granted...and to be thankful for everything we had...

i'm sure my dad would prefer mate (national drink in argentina) over coffee...but he has accepted the fact that his daughter prefers coffee...and sits and sips and talks...

coffee with dad...simple pleasure...gotta love it!

seven years later...

today marks seven years from the day that our beautiful nation was attacked by terrorists...
when i think back on that day and the days that followed...all i remember is being glued to the tv set...channel after channel...hearing & seeing those awful pictures...over and over again...we had lived in such a sheltered state...and now the safety of our nation had been compromised...

i could not move from the tv set...and as the details came forth...it became more unbelievable...the only good that came from that...was for the first time in a very long time...people pulled together...it did not matter what your belief was, what party you supported, what color your skin was...it was about unity...and only that... but it didn't last...sometimes i wonder...is it going to take another disaster for the american people to unite yet once again...

there was a time that i would frequently visit ny for business...and specifically the twin towers...one of my largest clients was cantor...time after time...i had walked in & out of those buildings...remembering how massive they were...how stable...

i remember one time when i had gone to visit the statue of liberty...and looking at the ny landscape...the twin towers were the "mark" to which you could figure out where everything else was in relation to them...

the first time i went back after 9/11 i had the opportunity of going back to the statue of liberty..it was so surreal to look at the landscape...and such a big piece was missing...a piece i thought would always stand strong...visiting ground zero was very emotional...walking on the grounds that i had in years past with no thought...seeing a vast empty space where so many lives where lost.

at times it seems like it happened so long ago...other times it seems so recent...but our lives have somehow gone on...the paper today even said that the fear of attack is no longer american's no. 1 worry. the reality is that many families still live it daily...the mother's and father's that do not walk through the door...the sister's and brother's that are gone...the parents that never thought they would outlive their children...may we never forget...and may it serve as a reminder...to love those that are in our lives...and not take our days for granted.

visit #2 with becky...

after completing all my shopping for my newest client becky...i headed over to her house yesterday with all my purchases...i have to say i was a little bit nervous...i had so many challenges on my list that i need to take into account...i was expecting that there would be many returns...

to catch you up...i had written about becky a while back...i was hired by her mom to update her wardrobe...becky is a beautiful 21 year old girl who has lived with autism...and is completely not interested in fashion...therein lies part of the challenge...along with not having ties, certain buttons...and comfort...this was not an easy shopping assignment. becky does not grasp the simplest of "rules" in clothing...she needs to be guided on what to wear, when to wear it etc...based on the weather and what the actually event is...be it school, church or dinner at the country club.

becky does not like to try on clothes...i was warned by her mother...but i came in excited with my purchases...of course...i need to remember that it really doesn't matter what i think...but what my client thinks...

as becky started trying on the clothes...i noticed that she would stand in front of the mirror and admire each of the pieces...and after each one...she would look at her mom and say..."mine?"
she loved the clothes...i have to admit...i was pretty happy at this point...

what i usually do when purchasing items for a client...is that i buy 2 or 3 items that are alike...so the client has a choice...and it keeps me from doing to many returns...becky's mom loved the items as well...that she kept pretty much everything i bought...for variety...

all in all - it was a very successful shopping trip for me...now the task of putting together becky's look book...where she will have her very own book with pictures of all her clothes already put into outfits...becky has a pretty full life, and i love that her mom is working at making becky as independent as possible...i also love that i am able to help in this process...

and of course...i got my hug and kiss on the cheek as a thank you from becky...what could be better than that?

friends...

last nite i had dinner with 3 of my closest friends...my best friend came into town...and this was the first time since our trip to santa barbara back in may that the four of us were together...

the four of us are pretty different from each other...in fact we laughed about it last nite...our differences & quirks...but somehow it has worked for the four of us - our friendship has grown into one that is not taken lightly...it is a very strong bond...and i know that i know...that no matter what...we would be there for each other in a heart beat.

for deep friendship, we have to be willing and able to trust each other...trustworthiness is about having faith that someone will keep your secrets, will react in a loving way to whatever you reveal and accept you without making you feel ashamed...

my girlfriends have helped me find courage to get through alot of stuff...from just a rough day to life-changing decisions. when we are together there is alot of laughter - and this laughter is what keeps things in perspective, even in the moments that are difficult...we encourage each other, we cry together, but mostly...we laugh together...

what i know is that our lives would be extremely difficult if we had to fight all our battles alone...knowing that someone is "on our side" can help us in not feeling overwhelmed when trouble knocks at our door. our girlfriends can give us that boost of confidence that is needed when we need that extra nudge to go in the right direction, we can count on them to get behind us and push...

my girlfriends are women who are trustworthy...they are women who have provided me a sanctuary...we listen to each other regardless of how their feelings might seem to us...where others might pass on bits of information as gossip, true girlfriends value confidences, protecting our private truths and accept what we have to say without judgement.

if you find such a friend...hold on to them...they are a friend worth fighting for...

tiny blessings...

blessings are all around us...at times we may be so focused on the "other" things in our lives that we don't notice them...but they are still all around us...

last week was a busy week - although there were alot of fun moments...in the back of my mind...there were all the things that were swirling around in my head...the things that were causing stress in my life at this time...

i decided to make a conscious effert to find the tiny blessings in my life...to focus more on them than my "problems"

i am sure there are alot of blessings that i missed...but there were many that i "found" and focused on...here are three of them...

the first came in the way of listening to a radio talk show that i try and hear every day...it is a call-in show where people call in with their situations and "the boys" help with Godly teaching and advice...on this day...for some reason (i do not remember them ever doing this before) they were offering to all callers who called in... a book...this was a book on my list that i knew i wanted to get...and here it was being offered for free! tiny blessing...

the next came in the way of a trip to costco...i needed to get a digital camera...i knew what i needed...but didn't want to spend alot of money on it...there it was...a high powered digital camera for about $200 less than everywhere else...and...there was only one left...tiny blessing...

the third and the "big one" came in the way of being able to visit my friend carol two more times in the hospital. by all accounts by the doctor...we were all supposed to be at her funeral this last week...but God had different plans...and her friends and family have been able to spend extra time with her. although we are all prepared...well... as much as we can be...every day is a huge blessing that we are not taking for granted...

i challenge you today - to look for the tiny blessings in your life...i can guarantee that you will be pleasantly surprised at how God continues to show His love to us in tiny ways...and as we may be waiting on Him for the 'big" answers for things in our life that may be at the forefront of our thoughts...don't miss out on the many "tiny blessings" He showers us with daily.

do i trust Him?

a few months back i really started evaluating things in my life...i felt that in some ways my life had become a bit stagnant...and i couldn't quite figure out why...
i went to the Lord in in prayer...and asked Him to reveal to me areas in my life that i needed to work on, change, delete...and well what do you know...He did!

one thing that became apparently clear was my need to control certain things in my life - although they were not bad things - they were situations or circumstances that i felt should be different or better...and although my well meaning ways were not callous or mean or hurtful...i really started to see how i would try and manipulate or control a situation to make it better...

now don't get me wrong...i do not believe that working on relationships or areas in my life is wrong in any way - but there are those certain ones...that no matter what you try and do...they do not change...this is the time that i bring them to the Lord in prayer...and say "i can't handle this...it is bigger than me...i lay it at your feet...do with it what you may" sounds good so far...right? this is where the messiness begins...my ability to "take it back"and work on it some more...as if God needs my help...right? it is not like He is sitting up in heaven wringing His hands and thinking...wow...this is a tough one for me

i have really been convicted of this lately...belief requires us to come to Him and lay everything at His feet. it is when we put the full weight of our lives on the Lord, then and only then have we given Him authority to take over. why can't i do that at times? why do i hold back and hold on rather than give it up and give it to Him? there have been many times where i have found myself at that place - where i made a mess of things...and then when things are in shambles & tangled up...i finally come to him...with all the broken pieces...wanting Him to fix it...my prayer is "here is my load and here is me...please carry me so i can learn how to believe."

the conviction came to me...because i really started seeing the "not letting go" of certain things as really taking over my life...they had become almost like idols...i was obsessed over them...what could i do different, what could i say to make the situation better? meanwhile...God is standing there wanting me to trust Him...

the funny thing is that i trust Him...i trust that He is there for me...i trust that He loves me...i trust that He wants the best for me...but yet...i don't always completely let go of things...

the question remains...do i trust God? i mean really really trust Him? i wrestle with it daily - moment by moment...my theology says that i trust God...i hear myself say that i trust God...i pray and tell God that i trust Him...but more than anything i want to live in the power of that truth.

unbelief is refusing to lay it all down at His feet...stepping into this relationship with God as we continue to hold on to the things He is asking us to let go of...
unbelief leaves us empty, powerless, and most of all wandering...
unbelief keeps us living beneath the possibilities that God dreamed for our lives.

what i am learning is that i hold on mostly because i am afraid of not knowing what the outcome may be - somehow if i still hold on...i kind of know what the outcome is...even though it may not be the best for me...what i need to focus on is that change and the letting go could mean receiving God's best...and what could be better than that?

what i am working on is the letting go...it is a daily process for me...but i am finding that i am able to recognize it alot sooner - when i start taking the reigns again...i stop myself and give it back to Him...what i know is that i do not want to cling to old familiar thoughts, ideas and ways of doing things...

someone once said that the only thing you can be sure of is that everything will change...i want to confidently anticipate that change will continue to come towards me - and all i need to do is to move out of the shadow of fear and into the incredible light of expectancy.

new old friends...

i have recently joined the world of facebook & myspace...this all started by the prompting of my nieces...my response...i would join if they helped me...so we started my myspace page...it had not been more than a week - when friends were saying..."you need to be on facebook"
are you kidding me? but reluctantly...i set up my facebook...

wow - what a ride it has been...in a matter of 3 weeks or so - i have reconnected with old friends from high school, from prior jobs, from my old church...it has been crazy! now the challenge is to limit my time on my facebook/myspace...it can be addicting...

i think the most surprising thing has been that some relationships have been like they never stopped...we kinda just continued where we left off...getting caught up on married/not married...how many kids/what age...has been refreshing...

my social calendar which has alway been pretty full is now exploding...i've got get togethers planned, dinners, brunches, lunch & drinks on my books...

it has really made me focus on things that are important in life...sometimes i tend to hang on to things in my life that are not where i want them to be...and my focus is on that and only that...and many times those are the things that i absolutely cannot control...but they consume my thoughts...i have found that there were times that i let my focus become blurred to what was all around me

i have been blessed with incredible friends and family...there are people in my life who genuinely want to spend time with me, care about what is going on in my life, encourage me to press on and want to know what makes me tick...i cheat myself when i focus on the few who don't

i need to focus on only those things that i can control...and that one thing is me - i can work on being the best daughter, sister & friend to those in my life...the rest will all work itself out...

i actually think with all these new dates on my calendar...i'll probably be wearing my new shoes alot sooner than i had planned!

shoes...

i'm not quite sure when my love for shoes started...all i know is that i have many pairs...flats & stiletto's...there is no in between for me...and i still could buy more...

today i went on a little shopping trip with my mom - no matter where i shop...shoes are the last thing i look at...part of that is saving the best for last...but a big part of it is that i know that i know...that i will most likely..always find a pair...

today was no exception...i found the most luxurious pair of mui mui black patent leather shoes with a sexy gold heel...a sexy 4" gold heel...now i just have to find something to wear them with!

my mom does not understand my love for shoes...but that is ok...but try and explain to a non- shoe lover...why you need another pair of black stiletto's...and how they are different from the "many" black ones already in your closet...well it can prove to be difficult..lucky for me...i don't much care if people understand or not...to me...they are each unique and not like any other...

i remember once at a ladies brunch at church - there was a woman at the next table that i had not met...so i went over and introduced myself to her...and she says to me..."oh...you are the girl in choir that has killer shoes on every sunday!" ok - now that is a compliment...
she went on to tell me...how every sunday she looks to see what my shoes look like...wow!

i can't wait to wear my new shoes...the challenge is making an outfit absolutely perfect to showcase them...got some work ahead of me...but i think i'm up for the challenge!

limited days...

we got the word on friday - carol maybe has 4 or 5 days left

carol has been battling cancer for so many years...she has gotten worse and then better...at one point she knew that she would have chemo every three months for the rest of her life...and then the chemo stop working...

my last get together with carol was in april...we had a huge dinner for her - 20 of her closest work friends - it was bittersweet - because for alot of us - we knew it may be the last time we would see her...

she was upbeat...and despite having lost all her hair...she looked fabulous - but i think it was more the beauty coming from within her...although she knew what was ahead of her...she continued and now continues to have such a zest for life

carol has two children - they are still young - only 9 & 12...but carol has spent this time trying to fill their lives with as much mom time as possible...she is doing what she can - with her limited time & her limited strength

today - the doctor says she is doing better than the report on friday...carol has already said her goodbyes...and views every extra day as an added bonus...still being upbeat, still being strong, still showing her humor that we all love about her

carol is still young - you would think she still has her whole life ahead of her...but she doesn't...and serves as a reminder not to take the days given us for granted

the ingredients of a perfect girl's weekend

friday i took off for a girl's weekend with my sister-in-law and 2 nieces...the main objective of the trip was to check out a college that one of my niece's is thinking about applying to.

we headed off on our adventure - first pitstop...starbucks...loaded up with our drink of choice...we headed out to folsom...to stay in my parents "vacation home" (family joke)

the ride was hilarious - our conversation went from the mundane to crazy to emotional to hilarious...one moment we were laughing, the next crying...the conversation flowed so easy.

when we reached our destination - unpacked the car and made dinner - there was not much left of the evening... exhausted from the drive...we kept up with our chatter of hopes and dreams, school, work & of course...boys...

the agenda for our weekend was as follows: check out the school, shopping for back to school clothes, swimming at the lake & watching chick flicks.

we accomplished that and so much more...there is a bond that takes place between women who let their guard down a little - share hopes & dreams, reveal hurts & disappointments - and encourage one another that another day will come and it will be brighter...or it may be dark - but the key is to keep pressing on...for with each bright or dark day - a new one is coming - and with that...new adventures & new opportunities to make the most of it.

i also learned alot more about my nieces - their quirks, their loves, their passion, their hidden unique talents (sorry cannot reveal!) and their ability to make the most ordinary day...incredible!

we had a moment during the weekend - a major cry during a chick flick - that was special in that we allowed our moment of vulnerability to show - but the crying quickly turned to laughter as we took a step back and joked about who started the crying fest, who was the last to start & who cried the most (there was a clear winner...and no it was not me)

it also showed the many emotions that women feel - and it reminded me not to hide them...as much as we sometimes are afraid...maybe of what others might think, or revealing hurts that may still be raw, or sharing in struggles that we are going through...when done in the security of your closest friends or family - it can be a time of reflection, of growth, of seeing things through someone else's eyes...seeing a situation in a new light & even realizing that some things may need to change

after all...that truly is what a girl's weekend is all about - a refreshing time to share in laughter and tears - to encourage one another in our quests in life.

thank you ladies for the weekend - it was everything i thought it would be and so much more...
i love you!