heartache...

heartache comes to us in many forms...the only thing i'm really sure about when it comes to heartache...is that sooner or later it will hit you...some of it may be intentional...some may not be...but it hurts none the less...

we are human and we make mistakes...we have done things and things have been done to us...there are moments in our life that leave marks in our souls...cruel words, heartbreak, rejection, abuse, pain, or loneliness...and it doesn't stop...not when you open up your heart to another...its a chance we take...and although for me...when i face heartbreak...my instant response is to curl up in a ball and hide away...till the hurt goes away...the problem is the hurt doesn't go away...not quickly anyway...and it may not truly ever go away...but it does fade...

not everyone can find a safe place to share a broken heart; a place to receive love, understanding, and care. what compounds the pain is realizing that others do not understand, or hearing them say, "get over it."

we have become used to living with our pain. we almost don't notice it anymore; it's just the way things are. i guess that would be an ok way of thinking if in fact the heartache remained somewhere in a back closet somewhere...but brokenness is never quiet or completely in the past. some of the pain we experienced as children or in other relatonships as we have grown...have resurfaced...it affects the choices we make and the way we respond to life, to God, and to others.

the fact remains that we are wounded by life, by each other, by our poor choices or the poor choices of others. and even as my close friends in the past have shared words of wisdom...assuring me that God was with me and would walk with me every step of the way...i heard their words but they slipped through the cracks of a broken heart.

my niece once quoted to me "a relationship in secret is not a relationship worth keeping" and so the truth is now out...a relationship in secret...one that broke my heart yet once again...and i say it over and over...why do i keep holding on...

joseph fort newton - we cannot tell what may happen to us in the strange medley of life. BUT we can decide what happens IN us, how we take it, what we do with it - and that is what really counts in the end.

so what happens now? my friend said to me "i know you want to go to church and put flyers on every car window telling your side of the story" what i know is that i need to trust God with my reputation, I can't make it my job to make people see the truth. many times when i have been tempted to defend myself...i've had to stop myself and say, "you know what, Lord? i'm not going to get caught up in this. i'm going to focus on what You think of me"

God promises that He is near to the brokenhearted, and i feel Him near me in these moments. i know that He is going to help me. i know that His help may not come in the form i think it would come...but in the midst of my pain and brokenness, God will meet me in such a real way and give me His peace.