i have often wondered why i, at times...can be so hard on myself...it is far easier for me to forgive those who have wronged me...then it is for me to forgive myself...
it is easy to look back at a situation and see all the things that you could have done differently...the hard part is having to look at it...after the fact...and realize that there were things you could have done to prevent it...and the warning signs were there all along...
i realize that there are three sides to every situation...every story...your side, the offender's side...and most importantly...God's side...people always say...my perception is my reality...but i have come to realize that the view from God's side is the most accurate...always...
i believe that in every situation...we play a part...even if that part is subtle...such as staying or believing in a relationship too long...we...more accurately...i must take responsibility for not taking better care of myself.
looking back on the most recent situation...i knew i needed to forgive myself on many levels...for giving my heart away to someone who didn't really want it. for refusing to pay attention to all the signs. for rejecting sound counsel in the name of "you just don't understand." for asking the Lord for guidance...but not listening. for compromising my walk with Him. my sexuality. my values. my faith. for seeking fulfillment from the wrong source. for being so desperate to be loved, that i let down my guard to embrace a "feel good" moment. for snatching my heart out of God's loving hands to give to one who was undeserving. for failing to wait on God. for failing to trust Him to give me a good and perfect gift.
i knew that God had forgiven me...i knew that i had forgiven the one who had hurt me...why couldn't i forgive myself? because i should have known better? because i now had to admit i was wrong? because i had to face the fact that i was so wrong in reading someone? because i had to admit that even though i had prayed for His perfect will...i came in and manipulated my own course?
what i know is that i needed to make a decision...holding on to what i did or didn't do would not let me move forward...i knew that i needed to give myself a "break" and forgive myself...
forgive myself...but not forget...i believe that God heals memories..but i do not believe He will allow us to forget and lose the lesson. the day that my heart was broken...you couldn't have told me that anything good could come out of it...but now it is clearly evident...i am wiser for this experience...bitter as it was.
truly i am better for my brokenness. i think that going forward i will be more careful in giving my heart away...i now know the wisdom of denying myself pleasantries that will only waste my time, my heart...and mostly my emotions. i know that i need to be kinder to myself, knowing that God says i am worthy of more than i previously settled for.
there is no way around the lessons of life...i have two choices...i can remain in the same spot...or i can move forward...knowing that the hand of God shields me. in my learning i find wholeness & strength. i have made peace with myself. my issues are settled at last...i am all right with me...
who am i, that the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords desires me? i am simply me. fearfully and wonderfully made.
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