do i trust Him?

a few months back i really started evaluating things in my life...i felt that in some ways my life had become a bit stagnant...and i couldn't quite figure out why...
i went to the Lord in in prayer...and asked Him to reveal to me areas in my life that i needed to work on, change, delete...and well what do you know...He did!

one thing that became apparently clear was my need to control certain things in my life - although they were not bad things - they were situations or circumstances that i felt should be different or better...and although my well meaning ways were not callous or mean or hurtful...i really started to see how i would try and manipulate or control a situation to make it better...

now don't get me wrong...i do not believe that working on relationships or areas in my life is wrong in any way - but there are those certain ones...that no matter what you try and do...they do not change...this is the time that i bring them to the Lord in prayer...and say "i can't handle this...it is bigger than me...i lay it at your feet...do with it what you may" sounds good so far...right? this is where the messiness begins...my ability to "take it back"and work on it some more...as if God needs my help...right? it is not like He is sitting up in heaven wringing His hands and thinking...wow...this is a tough one for me

i have really been convicted of this lately...belief requires us to come to Him and lay everything at His feet. it is when we put the full weight of our lives on the Lord, then and only then have we given Him authority to take over. why can't i do that at times? why do i hold back and hold on rather than give it up and give it to Him? there have been many times where i have found myself at that place - where i made a mess of things...and then when things are in shambles & tangled up...i finally come to him...with all the broken pieces...wanting Him to fix it...my prayer is "here is my load and here is me...please carry me so i can learn how to believe."

the conviction came to me...because i really started seeing the "not letting go" of certain things as really taking over my life...they had become almost like idols...i was obsessed over them...what could i do different, what could i say to make the situation better? meanwhile...God is standing there wanting me to trust Him...

the funny thing is that i trust Him...i trust that He is there for me...i trust that He loves me...i trust that He wants the best for me...but yet...i don't always completely let go of things...

the question remains...do i trust God? i mean really really trust Him? i wrestle with it daily - moment by moment...my theology says that i trust God...i hear myself say that i trust God...i pray and tell God that i trust Him...but more than anything i want to live in the power of that truth.

unbelief is refusing to lay it all down at His feet...stepping into this relationship with God as we continue to hold on to the things He is asking us to let go of...
unbelief leaves us empty, powerless, and most of all wandering...
unbelief keeps us living beneath the possibilities that God dreamed for our lives.

what i am learning is that i hold on mostly because i am afraid of not knowing what the outcome may be - somehow if i still hold on...i kind of know what the outcome is...even though it may not be the best for me...what i need to focus on is that change and the letting go could mean receiving God's best...and what could be better than that?

what i am working on is the letting go...it is a daily process for me...but i am finding that i am able to recognize it alot sooner - when i start taking the reigns again...i stop myself and give it back to Him...what i know is that i do not want to cling to old familiar thoughts, ideas and ways of doing things...

someone once said that the only thing you can be sure of is that everything will change...i want to confidently anticipate that change will continue to come towards me - and all i need to do is to move out of the shadow of fear and into the incredible light of expectancy.