chocolate birthday cake...nothing better...

when i was a little girl...for my birthday...i would always get either a strawberry or lemon cake...both my brothers would get chocolate cakes...nothing wrong with that...but i loved chocolate...and my brothers preferred the fruit flavors...but in my mom's mind...girls got pink & yellow...boys got the chocolate...kinda sexist...hahaha



as i got older...moved out...birthday cakes faded away...as i thought back on it...i think it was just that my birthday fell within the week of thanksgiving...so all the talk of desserts and stuff were based on the thanksgiving dinner...



i honestly do not remember the last time i got a birthday cake...let alone a chocolate one...it has definately been many many many years...periodically we would laugh about it during family dinners...how the strawberry & lemon cakes traumatized me...how i don't get birthday cakes...

everyone would laugh...but there was a little part of me every year...like a little girl...waiting & hoping that i would get a chocolate birthday cake...



this year...i decided to take matters into my own hands...why did someone else need to get me my birthday cake? if it is what i wanted...then i might as well go and get it...



my plan was in place...i went over to copenhagen bakery...looked at all the chocolate cakes...picked my favorite...asked them to write "happy birthday to me" and prepared to bring it to the family thanksgiving dinner...



as i walked into my mom & dad's house...the whole family was already there...and i made my announcement..."i have a surprise for everyone...this year i decided that i would finally get my own chocolate birthday cake...and i brought it today for all of us to share"



ok - as a side note...cracks me up that i buy something for myself and let everyone know that it is for them ;o)...kind of like the time that my ex boyfriend loved a girl wearing jeans...so i went out and bought a pair of jeans for myself...and told him i bought "him" a surprise...



but i digress...



seems my mom had been feeling pretty bad over the years...that my birthday was kind of over looked each year because of thanksgiving...this year...she had decided she was going to make it extra special...and she baked me a two layer chocolate cake with dulce de leche...and the most divine chocolate frosting ever...



needless to say...it completely touched me...not because it was chocolate...although that was pretty incredible...but because she took time out...while cooking up the whole spread for thanksgiving...to bake me my very own birthday cake...



she even had candles for me...and had everyone sing happy birthday to me...during the thanksgiving dessert time...



i was definately on a chocolate high last nite...and out of the seven different desserts out on the table...my mom's cake was the most delish...probably because it was made with so much love...



below is a pic of my two cakes...don't bother counting the candles...apparently my mom didn't have enough...haha

thanksgiving morning...

as i sit in the quiet of my home...i am overwhelmed with emotion...

there is so much to be thankful for...

as i think back over the year...there are so many things that didn't go the way i had thought they would...the way i had wanted them to...or the way i had planned...

it has been a year of lessons...some really hard lessons...
it has been a year of hurt...disappointment...
it has been a year of loss...betrayal...

but i sit today...and i am happier than i have been in years...how could that be?
i can say that for the first time in a really long time...i am content...i am content with where i am...

how can i have a thankful contented heart when the circumstances in my life are not what i had planned?

how can i have a thankful contented heart when the circumstances lie outside my control or my power to change it?

what i know for sure is that i serve a God who is trustworthy...and that He desires our good...God is sovereignly in control, providing for and working out ALL the circumstances in the lives of those who love Him. He is intimately involved with us...and He works out His purposes through the events in our lives...

what i know for sure is that God's love for His people is not determined by the circumstance in our lives. His love is steadfast...our marital status (dating life), career or finances might fluctuate or totally fall apart...in spite of that, though...we can..and must give Him thanks...He is always with us...

during this year...i have felt more love from family and friends...they surrounded me...they never said "i told you so"....even though they had warned me...they stood by me...comforted me...encouraged me...and loved me...

i know that was God...because at my lowest point...it was Him who came and met me...picked me up...and carried me...carried me until i was able to walk again...carried me until i was able to look beyond my circumstances at all that i truly had...

and i have a lot...

so as i'm sitting in the quiet...knowing that in about 5 hours...i will be with family...the first time in a long time...that the whole family will be together...i know there will be a lot of laughter...goofiness...stories told...teasing...

and for that...i am thankful...

but most of all...i am thankful for my Father in Heaven...who loves me in spite of me...

as i open up my itunes...i search songs based on the word "thankful"...

the first song plays...and once again i am overwhelmed...how appropriate...these words ring so true...

thankful by the katinas

Just a little while longer I wanna pray
Can't get You off my mind so I came to say
Thank You Lord just for loving me
Many times as I do forget
Every need that You have met
Oh thank You Lord,
I know You're showing me
You are there when I am down and out
You're holding me, Your love is so amazing
Oh it changed me

Chorus:
Here I am with all I am
Raise my hands to worship You
I wanna say thank you, oh thank you
For everything, for who You are
You cover me, You touch my heart
I wanna say thank you

I could have died in my sin but You saved me
Didn't have any hope at all
You gave me peace divine, strength to carry on
I should have been the one to pay
But instead You took my place
My Jesus, words cannot explain
Even though I don't deserve Your love for me
You look beyond my fault and You showed mercy

I wanna say thank you for the sun
I wanna say thank you for the rain
Everything You do is beautiful
I'm so grateful for Your love

Chorus:
Here I am with all I am
Raise my hands to worship You
I wanna say thank you, oh thank you
For everything, for who You are You cover me,
You touch my heart I wanna say thank you

may you find contentment in your situations...happy thanksgiving!

the order of events...

pet peeves...i have a few...but one that seems to really get under my skin...is the fact that christmas is promoted...seems like earlier and earlier...are we going to get to the point where christmas decorations are seen in the stores year round?

this year i think i saw the first glimpse of christmas in stores in late september...what happened to halloween and more importantly...thanksgiving??

i am pretty stubborn in my own "rules" of holiday start times...and actually...hopefully...i won't change ;o)

for example...i will not pull out any of my christmas stuff...or listen to christmas music...until the day after thanksgiving...something in me...i cannot do it...i feel at times that thanksgiving is just kind of thought of for a moment...and then the focus is back on the upcoming christmas holiday...

thanksgiving to me is a very special holiday...and yes...part of it is that i LOVE turkey SO much...actually i love all the food that is served at the thanksgiving table all the way to desserts...which in our household is quite the variety...

but more importantly...it is a time to really focus on all that we have...not necessarily in material items...but not to ignore those...but also...all the areas we have been blessed...all the wonderful family and friends that we are surrounded with...

there are so many things to be thankful for...and no...it shouldn't be thought of only on this day...but we also shouldn't live it as any other day...

yesterday was another reminder...just like every big event that happens...some make us think about what we have...and where we are in life...

it is sad that it takes tragedy, or the loss of someone you love, to snap us back to realizing what we have...

this thanksgiving...if you are fortunate enough to sit around a table full of family and friends...maybe even those irritating relatives...that may be a bit hard to handle...and food on the table...and laughter...

thank the Lord for your fortune...in a world where we are constantly wishing for more...many times...not happy with our current situations...

we are a blessed people...

so as i am like a little child...excited about pulling out my christmas music...i know that opportunity will come...at its appointed time...for now...i want to bask in all the blessings the Lord has given me...

i want to thank Him for my family...quirky as we may be...
i want to thank Him for my friends...who this year...have really surrounded me when i needed it most...
i want to thank Him for my health...
i want to thank Him for my home...
i want to thank Him for my beautiful two boys...(yes...my kitties) who entertain me daily...
i want to thank Him for the life He has given me...although at times it has been hard...it is a great life...and my hope is that it brings Him honor...

happy thanksgiving...

a little too much excitement in san mateo...

this morning started like any other...except that i remember talking to my uncle and telling him how there was a shooting last nite 4 blocks away from where i was having dinner...we were in the financial district in san francisco...how much safer can you be??

i told him that no place is safe anymore...

fast forward 1 1/2 hours...it is 9:30 or so...and i head out to my car...as i am driving out of the driveway...i look to my right...and see a cop car...i think that this is a little strange...then look left...it looks clear...so i proceed out of the driveway...turning left...only to be blocked by two other cop cars...i stopped at that point...wondering...should i keep driving? do i stop?
a police officer frantically motions for me to keep driving...

as i'm driving away...i had no idea that i would not be back in my home until a little after 4pm...

returning to my street 30 minutes later...my street was completely blocked off...no one could drive in...i parked my car...and stood waiting for the news...

15 minutes earlier there were gun shots...pop pop pop...it was like a movie...and then silence...so surreal...

as the minutes passed...different stories emerged...the bank on el camino had been robbed..and then the robbers ran and invaded a home on my street...four doors down from my house...four doors!!

now the story is that there was no bank robbery...just a home invasion...as the robber barged in...the mother was able to txt her husband...who called the police...

one neighbor i stood by...his room mate was still in the apartment when there was a knock on the door...he answered it to find snipers at his door needing to come in and set up...

our one tiny block...blocked off at each end with police yellow tape...had about 25 police cars, the swat team, the sniper team & hazmet services...

as the stories unveiled...the family that had recently moved in...two children ages 1 and 3...were home with their mother...as the mother was throwing her children out of the window...she was shot in the back...and later died...

what is our world coming to? san mateo has got to be one of the safest neighborhoods you could live in...this was so random...

we were finally allowed back into our homes a little after 4pm..as i sit in my living room...half the block is still taped off...police officers are everywhere...forensics are here...news reporters from every station...

and all i could think of is this poor mother...24 years old...risking her life to save her two young children...

my phone has been ringing off the hook...as people are either watching the news on tv...or have driven by my neighborhood...everyone wants to make sure i'm ok...and once again i am reminded...of how blessed i am in my life...with so many people that love me...

my prayers are with these two small children...and their father...who now must work through this ordeal and the loss of their mother/wife...

we are really living in crazy times...and this is a reminder...that no one is promised tomorrow...live your life each day as best you can...

laughter..the best medicine...

friday nite i had the opportunity to see damon wayan's at cobbs comedy club...

i usually do not like comedy clubs...some weird fear i have that "i" will be the one picked on...definately not the kind of attention i crave for...there are always those obnoxious people that make a point of annoying the comedian...i guess in hopes of getting a little bit of the lime light...me...not so much...i just want to sit and enjoy the show...

friday...i got a chance to do that...damon was hilarious...i laughed till my stomach hurt...it was THE best medicine...

the wayans have a full family of comedians...all the brothers are funny...can you imagine what there family get togethers must be like?

although it has been my birthday week...and every day has been so much fun and full of love from my friends and family...there is the underlying stress that is there...finances, the economy, feeling pulled into situations that i shouldn't be a part of...but am...all in all...when i get home...that is what awaits me...stress...

friday nite showed me how wonderful laughter is...i am sure that there was a room full of people that had stress, hurt, loneliness, loss...but for a while...everyone just laughed...does it make the pain go away? does it make the stress go away? no...it is still there...but the laughter from deep inside you...when it erupts...it in some way releases some of that...even if only for a short time...

throughout the weekend...i would remember some of the things that damon had said in his show...and it brought the smile back...brought the laughter back...

research has shown that laughter has health benefits as well as a way for stress management...and the good thing is...you can get it for free...

"mirth is God's medicine. everybody ought to bathe in it" henry ward beecher

"the most wasted of all days is one without laughter" e.e. cummings

"laughter is the shortest distance between two people" victor borge

laughter is contagious...so if you have a chance for laughter...seize the moment...

a parisian birthday...

anyone who knows me...knows that i love anything french...french fashion...french food...i can always spot a fleur-de-lis...in fact...many reside in my home...and then there is just paris...beautiful beautiful paris with its eiffel tower, cafe's, shopping, museums, churches...just thinking about it...makes me want to go back...(dana...are you ready?)...

my birthday "nite" was celebrated "paris" style...i was greeted at the door with a dozen beautiful red roses...(that isn't necessarily french...but it was lovely...none the less)

dinner was at chouchou (pronounce shooshoo) a french bistro...chouchou comes from the term "mon petit chou" literally translated as "my little cabbage", but actually means "cutie-pie" awww...

on the third thursday of each november, from little villages and towns like romanèche-thorins, over a million cases of beaujolais nouveau begin their journey through a sleeping france to paris for immediate shipment to all parts of the world. banners proclaim the good news: le beaujolais nouveau est arrivé! "the new beaujolais has arrived!" one of the most frivolous and animated rituals in the wine world has begun.

well...the third thursday of november this year...fell on my birthday...so there was quite the celebration going on in the restaurant...

the restaurant is a tiny hole in the wall...you would really only know about it through word of mouth...which honestly are my favorite kinds of restaurants...
the host was adorable...as we walked in he gave us the biggest hug...both my date and i! he welcomed us to the celebration...and told us a little of the meaning of this third thursday in november...

dinner was absolutely deliscious...nice and rich...and mouth watering...paired with a bottle of the beaujolais nouveau...and then of course...the best part...dessert! a chocolate pear tart...

as we were leaving...the host ran out to the street...to give us one more big hug...

it was such a warm friendly atmoshere...from the moment we stepped in to the restaurant...until the very last moment...

and me?? well...i honestly felt like i had been taken to paris for my birthday...

happy birthday to adena and me...

happy birthday adena!! and happy birthday to me!

my partner and dear dear friend adena and i share the same birthday! can you imagine?? two fashionista's out and about on the town??

that was us last nite! what a fun time...good conversation...and those pomegranate martini's...won't say how many we had...but hey...we were celebrating! and on top of it?? i get the most beautiful vintage bracelet...oh...how she knows me!

adena - i love you girl! so much! it has been a pleasure getting to know you this year...working with you! sharing fashionista loves together...but most of all...just having you in my life as a friend...you are an absolutely beautiful woman...inside and out...and i am proud to call you my friend!

and me...well...i have always loved celebrating my birthday...it is truly the time in my life where i am reminded of how many wonderful people i am blessed to call my friends...

my phone has been ringing off the hook...i have txt messages galore...birthday cards are filling up my kitchen counter...email is full of ecards i haven't even gotten to...i have birthday plans through mid december in my calendar...

and i just sit back and thank the Lord for the blessings...i am surrounded by so many incredible friends and family...some i've known a lifetime...others are new friends...the length of time doesn't really matter...what matters is that i have for some reason...been blessed with so much love in my life...and for that...i am forever grateful!

dinner with andy...

last nite my friend andy took me for birthday celebrations to boulevard in san francisco...one of my fave restaurants...it was so nice to see him and catch up...

andy and i go way back to my days at bgi...he has recently retired (at the age of 45!) and has been traveling all over the world for the last year and a half...it was wonderful to hear of all his travels...places he has been...and places that are planned for the coming year...

before he retired...he had been out of the country most of the last 10 years...traveling for work...so we rarely had a chance to see each other...but kept in touch via email mostly and sporadic phone calls...

the sweetest thing for my birthday this year...was that he planned his travels around my date...
so my dinner date was planned literally between a trip to poland and singapore...i thought that was kinda sweet...warmed the cockles of my heart...i told him...

the evening was full of lots of reminiscing...we used to always go sailing by the golden gate bridge...all our work escapades...massive dinner parties...but one moment made me blush...andy got a kick out of that...he started telling me the first moment he "noticed" me at work...he had been working for about a month...apparently when i made my entrance...this one day...his first thought was..."and why is this the first time i am noticing her?"...i never never knew...i of course argued on some of his detailed accounts...especially the "short shorts" i was wearing...although we both know that my memory bank is about the size of a gnat...i had planned to tell the story...but i think i'll just keep it between the two of us...;o)

so as andy gets ready for his trip to singapore...i am looking forward to more birthday celebrations...

but one plan made last night...is that we will make a point to get back out and sail...
that makes me long for summer...

cleaning out the closets...

as i have been diligently cleaning out my closets...a lesson has emerged...who knew?

having done many closet audits for clients...you would think that cleaning out my own closet would be a breeze...not so much...why do we hold on to things that serve us no purpose? it is too easy to say that we will let go of the past...the past can be like our closet...which holds all the clothes we have ever worn...all the clothes from different seasons...and all the sizes we have ever worn...each one can represent...a different aspect of the past that we need to let go of...

some of the clothes may bring laughter...how could we wear such a thing? yet we still hold on to it...it serves some memory for us...maybe the "good ole days" or a wonderful day...a relationship...they may be clothes that we wouldn't be caught dead in now...yet they remain hidden in the closet...out of sight...however...though they be hidden away...they remain...taking up room...and they are a constant reminder every time you open your closet door...dig through the clothes to find something to wear...

letting go makes room for the new...just as our closets could be crammed with clothes...our hearts and lives can be overstuffed with "junk" and preventing us from the fullness of intimacy with Christ in our lives...and all that He has intended for us...

i have had to deal with the past in so many ways this last year...it has reared its ugly head most recently in the last few weeks...in order to challenge me, mock me, ridicule me, and most of all...try and intimidate me from moving on in Him to His higher calling for my life...try and convince me to deny who my Abba Father says i really am...

if this happens to me...i am most assured it happens to others...maybe even you...

the hurt seeps through my heart...and i start to question all over again...i have let go...but i have also come to the realization of what i needed and still need to get to the point that i know Him as i am known by Him...i need to let go again...

not quite sure why most recently...people have decided to come out of the woodwork and reveal stories of the person i once loved...a part of me needs to question..why now? why was i not aware of these things before...before i gave my all...and why are these stories finding there way to me? are they things i needed to know? are they things that are just moving in to hurt me? i carefully watch the actions of these people...do they have my best interest at heart? are they just trying to hurt a persons reputation? as they continue to befriend the person they so freely reveal things about...i question the intentions...

the reality is...that alot of the stories are probably true...but they don't pertain to me anymore...but i fight the feelings of being so wrong about a person...and that part does hurt...knowing that when you thought you meant something to someone...you really didn't...you were just one of many...

it is a constant exercise...i will never be the person who wore those old clothes and neither will you...we are new creatures in Christ...and becoming newer every day in every way...the enemy would want us to believe that we are the same person...he does this by convincing us that we are unworthy, unloved or unforgivable...by rattling the chains of our past in our face...

it is so easy for us to go back to that place...to question...to re-evaluate ourselves...and our worth...this is when we need to cling to our Father...

in loving Him...we will love others...in loving Him...we will love ourselves...and in loving ourselves we will begin to realize the life He has for us...and how we allow others to treat us...

so how does this relate to cleaning out our closets? well...we must remove anything that separates us from the love of God...whether it be lies of the enemy about God...others...or our self...whether it be actual things or strongholds we need to forsake and let go of...be it our thought life, attitudes or actions...

often times seeing the issue whether it be the truth about a personal struggle...or a lie of the enemy...it will lead you to the Father...in the Father...you find the answer...once you find the answer, which is the very opposite of the struggle or the lie...you can swiftly clean it out of the closet of your heart...and make room for more of His truth...

enough is enough...time for a trip to goodwill...

is it time yet?...

i have been like a little kid...getting excited for the christmas decorations...the christmas music...of course everything has its order...and there are several things that need to take place before my absolutely favorite holiday...christmas...

my birthday (of course)...a holiday of its own?? no...not really...but it definately is a great time of year for me...i love the celebrations...my brothers never understood why a birthday which is one day...for me lasted for months...;o) its been a busy month...birthday celebrations almost every day...gotta love it! i'm sure i'm gonna gain some pounds with all the dinners...but...hey...totally worth it...i can diet next year!

so far my birthday celebrations are planned through december...i'll take time off for thanksgiving...to celebrate the season of thanks...turkey...uh...let me see...that won't be difficult to do...

but for now...it is dinners, plays, drinks and my friends (and family) showing me much love...

but back to christmas...as much as i love my birthday celebrations every year...there is a tiny part of me...excited about the first glimpse of my tree...the twinkling lights...and most important...celebrating the birth of my Lord and Savior...now that is the birthday celebration of the year!

highs and lows..combined...

what a strange week it has been - as i woke up this morning and thought about what to write...i couldn't really pin-point the right way to describe the week...

in one way it has been so wonderful...there has been a lot of wonderful chats with friends...on the phone and face to face...time spent with family...which brought a lot of laughter...re-connected with some friends from the past through facebook...and in that did alot of reminiscing and laughing...which led to more phone calls and coffee dates...celebrated in a friends wonderful news...

and in all that...i realize how incredibly blessed i am...i realize i have a lot of people in my life who, for whatever reason...love me very much...i don't pretend to understand it...but i do not take it for granted...

i think it is for this reason...that in the transition period of my life...that is has been the love of my friends and family...that i have been able to keep on...keeping on...

i call it a transition period for no other reason than not knowing what else to call it...there have been so many moments this week - where i thought i was finally catching a break in areas in my life...and it wasn't till the last moment...that i stood as they crumbled before me...almost like someone was playing a cruel cruel joke on me...but no one was playing a cruel joke on me...it was just the circumstances and how they played out...

no one to blame...although i do remember thinking that this was it...finally some of the work i had been doing was paying off...but just as soon as i saw the potential in front of me...the programs had changed...and i was sitting on nothing once again...

there is a little bit of frustration...a little bit of worry...but it is manageable...and that is the part that sometimes is hard for me to grasp...i know that i know that God has got everything in control...i don't know how...i don't know where...i just don't know...and every moment this week...where i thought...this is it...and watched it crumble...right before my eyes...i had to look up to Him...and say...i'm still trusting you...

and i do...i really do...i know that i am to learn from this experience...not sure what...but i'm open to whatever...whatever it is...if anything...i have learned to completely rely on Him...and maybe that is what i need to learn...

so coming out of a week that has had a mixture of such highs and such lows...i hold on to the fact that He will never give me more than i can handle...i find that i am able to handle a lot more than i thought...and i am able to do it with a good attitude...and as i say that...i am not boasting...just making a point that it is only through Him that i am able to smile and feel good in the midst of some not so good situations...

i do not believe that the many friends i have are a coincidence...and yes...i know that friendship takes work...and i have always worked at the relationships God has placed in my life...i have not taken them for granted...and in the times where i need them most...they surround me...

i heard an interview a while back where the actress had come out of a bad season...and she said..."it's a situation where the rug was pulled out from under me all of a sudden. but just as suddenly, my friends threw another rug back under me."

that is truly how i have been feeling...my friends and family continue to surround me and shower me with love...and in that...i am able to face another day and all that it brings me...

this morning my devotion talked about psalm 131

in the message...writer eugene peterson puts it this way: “God, I'm not trying to rule the roost, I don't want to be king of the mountain. I haven't meddled where I have no business or fantasized grandiose plans. I've kept my feet on the ground, I've cultivated a quiet heart …” (Psalm 131:1-2a).

psalm 131 ends with David urging us to place our trust and hope in God. So today, I will not hope in my ambitions or grand plans for the future, nor will I desire an always-easy path so I don’t have to face difficulty. Rather I will leave all that to Him and I will simply stand at God’s side, ready to explore my day.

my circumstances have not changed...if anything...they have gotten a little worse...but i know that He is right here by my side...and i know that He has placed these wonderful friends and family strategically in my life...

right now...i want to continue cultivating a quiet heart...so that i may hear and know His voice and His direction in my life...

thoughts on forgiveness...

as i think back over the week - i realize that i have had about six separate indepth conversations with different friends about forgiveness...there are a lot of hurting people out there...and the question always comes up..."how can i forgive them after they hurt me so bad"?

i will never sit here and say i am an expert on forgiveness...lets face it...sometimes it is the hardest thing to do....but...we are called to forgive...just as our Father has forgiven us...

we live in a world where so many people are walking around hurt and angry...the truth is...that every one of us has been hurt at one time or another...

the command to forgive is hard in that many times we do not want to forgive...we want justice...we want the other person to know how much they hurt us...we may even want to hurt back...

i decided to look back on my notes over the years on forgiveness...these are the highlights...they are taken from sermon notes and books i've read...

why forgive??

first and foremost...forgiveness reflects God's character...
what a way to show the Father's love...forgive as HE has forgiven you...forgiveness gives us the opportunity to extend to others what God has extended to us...

i think one of the hardest things about forgiveness is battling with the idea that we are excusing someone or letting them "get away with" what they did...
proverbs 19:11 says "it is more honorable to bury an injury than to revenge it. wrath denotes weakness; a noble heroic spirit overlooks a petty offense."

one of the best ways to show someone the wrong they have done is to contrast their actions with grace.

forgiveness also releases us...people who refuse to forgive hurt themselves...unforgiveness always leads to bitterness and resentment...

one of the best quotes i have ever read on forgiveness...comes from thomas watson's book 'the Lord's prayer'
"when have we truly forgiven? when we strive against all thoughts of revenge; when we will not do our enemies mischief, but wish well to them, grieve at their calamities, pray for, seek reconciliation with them, and show ourselves ready on all occasions to relieve them. this is gospel-forgiving."

wow...

forgiveness has taken place when we can honestly seek good for the other person...
it is when we make an effort to restore a relationship rather than avoid the relationship... forgiveness has taken place when past actions no longer hold a place in our hearts and mind... forgiveness is real when hate is replaced by love...

sometimes forgiveness takes time...sometimes you may think you have forgiven and moved on...only to have something spark a memory of the hurt you felt...and you are in the place that you need to deal with it again...

forgiveness is a decision of the mind and the heart which must be reaffirmed over and over...

henri nouwen says...
"But God's forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life. It calls me to keep stepping over all my arguments that say forgiveness is unwise, unhealthy, and impractical. It challenges me to step over all my needs for gratitude and compliments. Finally, it demands of me that I step over that wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put a few conditions between me and the one whom I am asked to forgive."

finally...we must understand that the act of forgiveness does not guarantee that the relationship will be restored...the person we forgive may not even see anything they need to be forgiven of....they may even seem indifferent to the pain they have inflicted...ultimately...forgveness may not affect the other person at all...

but...we must extend forgiveness...none the less...it is an act of trust toward God...we forgive because we choose to do what is right...not for the response we hope to get from the other...

we also need to realize that we cannot wait for someone else to make the first move...
we may feel the person who offended should be the one to make the first move...
however, the Lord gives us no such rule...the rule the Lord gives us is simply this: forgive as I have forgiven you...God made the first move toward us...

max lucado sums it up best...and in simple words...

"Perhaps the wound is old. A parent abused you. A teacher slighted you. And you are angry.
Or perhaps the wound is fresh. The friend who owes you money just drove by in a new car. The boss who hired you with promises of promotions has forgotten how to pronounce your name. Your circle of friends escaped on a weekend getaway, and you weren't invited . .
And you are hurt.
Part of you is broken, and the other part is bitter. Part of you wants to cry, and part of you wants to fight. The tears you cry are hot because they come from your heart, and there is a fire burning in your heart. It's the fire of anger. It's blazing. It's consuming. Its flames leap up under a steaming pot of revenge
And you are left with a decision. "Do I put the fire out or heat it up? Do I get over it or get even? Do I release it or resent it? Do I let my hurts heal, or do I let hurt turn into hate?" . . .
Resentment is the deliberate decision to nurse the offense until it becomes a black, furry, growling grudge.
Unfaithfulness is wrong. Revenge is bad. But the worst part of all is that, without forgiveness, bitterness is all that is left."

phillip yancey says...
"In the final analysis, forgiveness is an act of faith. By forgiving another, I am trusting that God is a better justice-maker than I am. By forgiving, I release my own right to get even and leave all issues of fairness for God to work out. I leave in God's hands the scales that must balance justice and mercy."

so how do i know when i need to forgive? it is usually in the area that i resist forgiveness the most...
so to my friends who are grappling with forgiveness...

it is time to let go...

it is time to let the grace and love of God work in you and through you...perhaps it is someone you work with...perhaps it is someone from your past...perhaps it is a family member...perhaps it is someone who you thought was your dearest friend...perhaps it is yourself you need to forgive...

it is time to make the decsion to let go...it is time to extend a hand...dare a smile...build a bridge...

what i know for sure about forgiveness is that it is not easy...it is not natural...but when we forgive...truly forgive...we find that a prisoner has been set free...and that prisoner...is us...

to g...with love...

today is my oldest friend's birthday..."oldest" in that she is the one i have known the longest in my beautiful life...

today she is fifty and fabulous!

i was almost two years old when her family got off the ship (after two months on it) from argentina...stepping onto u.s. soil...she was 6 yrs old...and our families did alot together...and we...always remained good friends...

when i think back on all the memories we have had...it truly amazes me at the blessing i have had because of her incredible self...she has been a friend through good and bad times...

she is four yrs older than me...but somehow that never interfered with our friendship...

we laughed together, cried together, got in trouble together ;o), did some crazy stupid things together...shared dreams, disagreed at times...but the friendship never wavered...

oh that all may experience a friendship like this...

so 44 yrs later...i want to tell you g...

i love you so much! my prayers and wishes for you go so deep...i am thankful and blessed to have you in my life...

the memories i have of us...well...so many...always bring a smile to my face...we have lived some incredible moments together...and i'm looking forward to all those to come...

you have been...and still remain...one of my dearest friends...

here is looking at the next 44 yrs!

happy birthday!

closed doors...

i have to admit...i am pretty amazed at my tude these days...i have walked into more closed doors this year...particularly this month...than i have in a very very long time...

just when it seems that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...i face another closed door...i will admit...there is frustration...but it is short-lived...inside...i truly know and believe that the closed door just signifies that there is something else for me...something better? something brighter? something bigger?

not sure right now what the something is...i just know that it is there...and i am waiting on its perfect timing...

all i know right now...is that i am to keep on keeping on....whether i feel like it or not...and that is what i am doing...

for the things that are in my control...for the things that i know that i can accomplish...for the things i know i am called to do...i do...and i do them to the best of my ability...so many of these things seem so trivial...but i know that i need to be faithful in all things...the small and the big...

so until i get to that open door...i will continue to pray and wait...and know...that He has got it all in control.

monday blues...

ever have one of those days...where nothing is wrong...yet everything is wrong? i'm having one of those today...

i have even debated not writing...but writing is probably what i need to do...

came out of an absolutely incredible weekend...dinner with friends on one nite...the opera and dinner on another nite...hanging out with friends during the day...

so why am i feeling a bit gloomy? is it the weather? is it because it is monday? is it because i have been in my circumstance too long? is it because my life is ho-hum today? is it because i'm not feeling well physically?

so many reasons as to why...which one fits? or is it the combination of all of them...gotten me to a point where i just want to crawl back into bed...

the urge is there...but i fight it...i fight it...because i have really been focusing on the good in my life...and there is so much good...it would be a shame to focus on the bad...because really...the bad is out of my control...and the bad does not rule my happiness or contentment...and the bad...in the big scope of things...is not that big...not when i focus on the good...

so i guess i have two choices...to crawl into bed...which i have already decided is not an option...or make the most of my day...

my to-do list is long...and nothing on it seems exciting...but i focus on the feeling i will have...the sense of accomplishment when done...

and i focus on all the "moments" God has already given me today...those little hugs needed along the way...

my conversation with my mom this morning...her laughter...
the three phone calls i have already received from friends...just saying hi...and checking in...
the beautiful rose blooming in my front yard...
my neighbors dog "capote" who licked my face to death this morning when he saw me...
the wonderful worship music blasting through my house...reminding me of His love

for these reasons...i fight the urge to crawl back into bed...there is so much life and love around me...i just want to soak it all in...and focus on the many blessings i am surrounded in...

open door for l...

my girlfriend just told me that she got a verbal offer on a job...God is SO good...

we have been in prayer..seriously for the last year...there have been other job postings...and interviews...and many disappointments...but through it all...as doors were slammed shut...and there were moments of "come on God...throw me a bone here..." the right job has been placed in her lap...

well not placed...she did have to do the work...but as i heard of the job description...it was really a job that was tailor made for her...;o) yeah...not a coincidence...

i am still so amazed at God's goodness towards us sometimes...i am still amazed at His timing...
i probably shouldn't be...but i kinda like that i am...because then the "surprises" God places in our lives are that much more meaningful...

looking back is always easier...to see the hand of God work to orchestrate such an event...now that the verbal offer is received...it is easy to say...it was worth the wait...but lets face it...the waiting is not easy...

there are times my girlfriend felt forgotten...felt over-looked...felt discouraged...but we kept claiming His promises...and we kept praying...and we kept believing that there was just something better suited for her...

i am proud of you l...you held on to His promises...you didn't give up...you stayed loyal in your present position...even at times when it was difficult to do so...not because of you...but because of others and their lack of respect for your work...their attitude that you would just always be there...and take it...

i know the year has been rough...and through all the closed doors...you grew stronger and more devoted to your Savior...and now...the door has been opened for you...

i am excited at what this new position brings to you...and above all - i know that His light will be shining through you...every day...

i love you!

when i say...i am a christian...

my girlfriend sent me this yesterday...i really enjoy maya angelou's writing...thanks a!
to all my girlfriends!!

Christians
by Maya Angelou

'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean livin''
I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say ... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain..
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Pretty is as Pretty does... but beautiful is just plain beautiful!

isn't that great??

“The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (I Samuel 16:7 NIV).

the aftermath of the election...

watching the election coverage yesterday...i had such mixed emotions...for relief...i would log on to facebook...to see what my friends were up to...but there was no relief in sight...all that was there...was posting after posting of everyone's "thoughts" on the election coverage...

i will admit...i have never really been that big into politics...but this time it caught my attention...i watched many of the debates...read articles...and prayed alot...but i still didn't want to get into political conversations...or debates...i have always felt that each vote...was a personal decision...after all...that is our personal freedom that we have...

but where does it stop? where does it stop being a little rah rah session for your candidate...and then turn into evil accusations, random threats, and affect relationships?

come on people!

i have heard of friends turning one each other...because one didn't support "their" candidate or "their" side on certain issues...i have heard people say that now "life" is over for us...and...i have heard...that now we have our "answer"

our only "answer" should be our Lord and Savior...Jesus Christ!! it does not matter who is in office...obama is JUST a man...mccain is JUST a man...

i leave with you a "note" posted on facebook - it pretty much sums up how i feel..

Closing Thoughts
Share
Today at 12:55am
These are the words of one of my roommates Sean Thompson. They are pretty much verbatim on what I've been feeling and felt today. I've got a small addendum at the bottom but it's pretty much all him.

Read on.


"So as Im sitting here bowsing through facebook, looking at everyones status updates (which, save for two, are all regarding tonights elections) and I cant but help but be discouraged by many Christians right now. I dont even know where to begin with this but Ill try...

Im discouraged on both sides of the partisan lines. Im sad that I see my brothers and sisters that are scared that its the end of the world, that they believe socialism is coming to the most capitalistic country ever known to mankind. And I get frustrated when I see people complaining about their $250,000 salary being taxed a little more. Its just money people. You wont have it a hundred years, so who cares. Give the money away and do a tax write off, that way you can avoid those pesky taxes and maybe please God with how you use the incredible financial blessings he's given you.

And on the other side, yes Ill admit I voted for Barack, but Im somewhat nervous at HOW much faith some of us have in him. I feel like I saw people nearly worshipping him during that speech tonight. Barack might be a step in the right direction in my opinion, but lets be careful that we dont give him the title of Savior. Christ is the only truth and life that can bring change and hope. When as the last time so many people stood in awe and wonder like that at the Creator of the universe?

But heres where my real discouragment lies: I see us getting torn apart. I see so much anger, and cynicism, and I see polarization. People, as Christians we are called to be united by love. I think of Pauls words when he describes that in Christ there is no Jew nor Gentile, slave or master, male or female. ...Can you almost hear him saying "Theres no Republican or Democrat" Lets not forget that Gods original plan was not to have governmental institutions...he just wanted us to be in relationship with Him and each other in love. So please, I pray, Im begging you, lets freaking put aside our blues and reds, our prop 8s and 4s, and lets just be the church that says regardless of who the president is, WE are going to be the light of the world. Here now, in this country. We're not going to run away to Canada, and we're not putting our faith in the one person elected president tonight, but rather in Christ. Please please please, dont let Satan use something like democracy to tear us apart. He looks for any way to get a foothold to tear us apart. Please, lets just love. Lets trust. Lets say "Ok maybe I dont agree with whos leading our country now, but we're going to pray that God somehow uses him for His divine purpose" and lets pray for our country,...and gee maybe even think outside ourselves and pray for other countries. Its not just about us.

Anyway, thats been my prayer today, that we would somehow be united in love through Christ. Maybe instead of putting "Yay Obama" on our status updates, maybe we put "yay God" or "yay Jesus still was and is and is to come"

I dont know. Thats just me. Im sorry if by any way this came across as offensive, its just what I believe to be the truth of the gospel, and sometimes that upsets people.

"For the love of God (and I use that phrase on purpose--for the sole reason and imperative of the love of God, not out of conceit or bitterness or glorifying yourself) Don't be a muppet and sit in the balcony. If we desire for this country to recover then we work together on this one. No heel-dragging bullshit please. I love this town. I love God. I love Barack Obama and John McCain. I love Sarah Palin and Joe Biden. I love my country.

And I know that Christ reigns above it all.

Love and peace.

Goodnight.

Dom

doctor news...

my oldest niece was born with a birth mark on the left side of her head...wasn't really noticable...her hair covered it most of the time..but it was noticeable to her...it was the shape of an almond...a little over an inch long...

never really thought much about it...until last month...when i got the call from my sister-in- law...seems that there was growth that had started...which my dear niece didn't tell anyone about...but as it got bigger...she finally told her mom...and off to the doctor they went...

"it is cancerous" the doctor said...as my niece ran out of the room crying...her mom stayed to hear what the doctor had to say...

no one ever wants to hear the word "cancer" especially when it is attached to someone you love so much..especially when that someone is only 17 years old...and has a whole lifetime ahead of them...

i remember that nite...my niece was really upset...we all were...we decided to take her out for some fun...i remember we went and saw "beverly hills chihuahua" (the movie) and laughed...but underneath the laughter...there was alot of uncertainty...a lot of fear...

this last friday...she had surgery...16 staples and 3 stitches later...looks like they got everything they needed to get out...and the birth mark will be gone...

even during the recovery - as painful as it was...my niece remained fashion forward with her scarves covering the surgery work...gotta love her sense of style!

me...i'm just glad she is ok...there is no good time for news like that...she was already so stressed from college apps, choosing schools, senior year and all that it brings...
there were times i looked at her...and i knew her mind was full of so much fear and anxiety...and pressure...her mom & dad had decided to postpone her surgery...so she could still fly out to the east coast to check out schools...we still had our so. california trip...all in all...she was always surrounded by people who loved her...supported her...and most importantly...prayed for her...

i hope during this time...she felt the love and support and prayers...the healing process will take a while...but the worst is behind her...and she can move forward...

times like these...i always think...make us stop for a moment...if only a moment...they teach us to slow down...to know that we cannot make it on our own...to rely on others for support...to not be afraid to ask for prayer...and ultimately to know...He has got our life in His hand...and nothing is going to happen to us...that He is not aware of...

uh oh...is that a pity party forming?

ever have one of those days... where you feel like you are on the side of the highway...need to get on the highway...and have no idea how to get there??

i had one of those days yesterday...nothing grand happened...it was just the combination of small irritants...that made me feel like i was always one step behind...

what do you do with days like that? it is so easy to weigh heavily on the small circumstances that happen...people and their choices...issues that pop up...and start spiraling down into a major pity party...

there were times in my life that this happened...sometimes quite frequently...but i get excited...that i am able to pinpoint the beginnings of a pity party...and sway my thinking...

so what do you sway your thinking to? i truly believe that each individual...no matter what there circumstance...has so much to be thankful for...and that is where i go...

i think of all the good things in my life...the wonderful friends and family...i got a big taste of that yesterday...even at church...in the foyer...i met a new friend...was able to give and receive hugs from lots of people that i normally don't spend alot of time with...mostly due to me squirting in and out of church through the side door...yesterday i made a point to linger around...in the front...and i ended up spending about 30 more minutes there!

i realized i need to do that more often...i left with such a feeling of fullness...and during that time...as i focused on the people around me...funny thing happened...i forgot the feeling of being on the side of the highway...one step behind...

my circumstances did not change...but my attitude did...and suddenly...my circumstances became manageable...