thoughts on forgiveness...

as i think back over the week - i realize that i have had about six separate indepth conversations with different friends about forgiveness...there are a lot of hurting people out there...and the question always comes up..."how can i forgive them after they hurt me so bad"?

i will never sit here and say i am an expert on forgiveness...lets face it...sometimes it is the hardest thing to do....but...we are called to forgive...just as our Father has forgiven us...

we live in a world where so many people are walking around hurt and angry...the truth is...that every one of us has been hurt at one time or another...

the command to forgive is hard in that many times we do not want to forgive...we want justice...we want the other person to know how much they hurt us...we may even want to hurt back...

i decided to look back on my notes over the years on forgiveness...these are the highlights...they are taken from sermon notes and books i've read...

why forgive??

first and foremost...forgiveness reflects God's character...
what a way to show the Father's love...forgive as HE has forgiven you...forgiveness gives us the opportunity to extend to others what God has extended to us...

i think one of the hardest things about forgiveness is battling with the idea that we are excusing someone or letting them "get away with" what they did...
proverbs 19:11 says "it is more honorable to bury an injury than to revenge it. wrath denotes weakness; a noble heroic spirit overlooks a petty offense."

one of the best ways to show someone the wrong they have done is to contrast their actions with grace.

forgiveness also releases us...people who refuse to forgive hurt themselves...unforgiveness always leads to bitterness and resentment...

one of the best quotes i have ever read on forgiveness...comes from thomas watson's book 'the Lord's prayer'
"when have we truly forgiven? when we strive against all thoughts of revenge; when we will not do our enemies mischief, but wish well to them, grieve at their calamities, pray for, seek reconciliation with them, and show ourselves ready on all occasions to relieve them. this is gospel-forgiving."

wow...

forgiveness has taken place when we can honestly seek good for the other person...
it is when we make an effort to restore a relationship rather than avoid the relationship... forgiveness has taken place when past actions no longer hold a place in our hearts and mind... forgiveness is real when hate is replaced by love...

sometimes forgiveness takes time...sometimes you may think you have forgiven and moved on...only to have something spark a memory of the hurt you felt...and you are in the place that you need to deal with it again...

forgiveness is a decision of the mind and the heart which must be reaffirmed over and over...

henri nouwen says...
"But God's forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life. It calls me to keep stepping over all my arguments that say forgiveness is unwise, unhealthy, and impractical. It challenges me to step over all my needs for gratitude and compliments. Finally, it demands of me that I step over that wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put a few conditions between me and the one whom I am asked to forgive."

finally...we must understand that the act of forgiveness does not guarantee that the relationship will be restored...the person we forgive may not even see anything they need to be forgiven of....they may even seem indifferent to the pain they have inflicted...ultimately...forgveness may not affect the other person at all...

but...we must extend forgiveness...none the less...it is an act of trust toward God...we forgive because we choose to do what is right...not for the response we hope to get from the other...

we also need to realize that we cannot wait for someone else to make the first move...
we may feel the person who offended should be the one to make the first move...
however, the Lord gives us no such rule...the rule the Lord gives us is simply this: forgive as I have forgiven you...God made the first move toward us...

max lucado sums it up best...and in simple words...

"Perhaps the wound is old. A parent abused you. A teacher slighted you. And you are angry.
Or perhaps the wound is fresh. The friend who owes you money just drove by in a new car. The boss who hired you with promises of promotions has forgotten how to pronounce your name. Your circle of friends escaped on a weekend getaway, and you weren't invited . .
And you are hurt.
Part of you is broken, and the other part is bitter. Part of you wants to cry, and part of you wants to fight. The tears you cry are hot because they come from your heart, and there is a fire burning in your heart. It's the fire of anger. It's blazing. It's consuming. Its flames leap up under a steaming pot of revenge
And you are left with a decision. "Do I put the fire out or heat it up? Do I get over it or get even? Do I release it or resent it? Do I let my hurts heal, or do I let hurt turn into hate?" . . .
Resentment is the deliberate decision to nurse the offense until it becomes a black, furry, growling grudge.
Unfaithfulness is wrong. Revenge is bad. But the worst part of all is that, without forgiveness, bitterness is all that is left."

phillip yancey says...
"In the final analysis, forgiveness is an act of faith. By forgiving another, I am trusting that God is a better justice-maker than I am. By forgiving, I release my own right to get even and leave all issues of fairness for God to work out. I leave in God's hands the scales that must balance justice and mercy."

so how do i know when i need to forgive? it is usually in the area that i resist forgiveness the most...
so to my friends who are grappling with forgiveness...

it is time to let go...

it is time to let the grace and love of God work in you and through you...perhaps it is someone you work with...perhaps it is someone from your past...perhaps it is a family member...perhaps it is someone who you thought was your dearest friend...perhaps it is yourself you need to forgive...

it is time to make the decsion to let go...it is time to extend a hand...dare a smile...build a bridge...

what i know for sure about forgiveness is that it is not easy...it is not natural...but when we forgive...truly forgive...we find that a prisoner has been set free...and that prisoner...is us...