broken heart...

the betrayal of someone who i thought carried my fragile heart with care and the loss of another friend to cancer all in one day is a lot to handle for this girl...but i made it through yesterday...it was a tough day...full of tears which lead to major headache...but there were some moments of good - in a day full of sorrow...love was all around.

my first breakdown occurred walking down my stairs...i fell to the floor sobbing...and my two cats came to the rescue...immediately they both curled up on each side of me...and just sat with me...for many this may seem like nothing..to me...it was everything....

i had snippets of emails & phone calls throughout the day...well meaning friends...all letting me cry & talk & repeat...

then my doorbell rang...and at the door stood my beautiful niece & her mom with home baked chocolate chip cookies, flowers & bella the chihuahua all ready to deliver hugs & kisses...and deliver them they did...

my best friend called and listened as no one else can do...she knew the pain i was feeling...i know she wanted to take it away from me...if only she could...but she did the next best thing...she let me cry...and she told me that i would be sad...and then i would be angry...and that all these emotions are ok...

so...another day begins...and although i feel numb...i do have a sense of hope that everything is going to be ok with me...my heart was always in the right place...and i cannot be hard on myself for trusting in someone who i thought had my back as i had his.

i leave you with a poem that talks about the harshness of giving away your most precious fragile heart to someone who doesn't see it as that...unfortunately i am unsure of the author...


i watched him as he casually dropped it
this my heart
flicking it to the wind
like the ashes of a cigarette that had lost its fire
i silently screamed
sensing the danger of pain
moving to rescue it from its plummet
i sensed the lateness of the hour
gone was the opportunity to run from rejection
the die had been cast
the deed had been done
without hesitation without thought
so happy was i to find a willing candidate
to stand guardian over my love
i abdicated my post as the keeper of my heart
with no formal references
hiring an unworthy unqualified stranger
now sensing in afterthought the value of that
which has been broken
the stinging realization of what i had done
rivaled my disappointment
as my tears washed away the last
shades of rose from my eyes
i realized
the blame was all mine
for i had left my heart in the wrong place.

who can say when the heart makes its decision
or by whose clock it chooses to sound
signaling the quickening of its pulse
the rise in tempature
the struggle to keep pace with accelerated breaths
in a moment it seems
unexplainable
imperceptible
it merely disassociates itself from reason
to stake its own claims
to revel in dancing for no chronicled purpose
just because...
oh just because...
because it feels better to fly without thought
to celebrate a departure from the norm
to nestle in a place that strangely feels like home
who knows
who can say when its the right time to fall in love
to release one's self into another's arms
to say yes to it all
to bravely give yourself away
and feel the better for it
who can say
who can say when it's right to stand with extended hands
open
freely giving what you once held dear
who can say...
can it be that no friend can step forward
no enemy can give deceptive warnings
no earthly alarm can say what the pain in my heart says best
what my feet should have known
that once again i have moved to soon
a step out of time
i allowed my heart to clasp the hands of the wrong partner
and dance to the wrong rhythm
at the wrong party
on the wrong night
at the wrong time...

was it something i said?
something i did?
or was my rejection
predetermined by the fact that i was simply me?
the wrong one
in the wrong place
at the wrong time
obviously in the wrong frame of mind
based on my wrong opinion
that you were right for me
somewhere along the way
what started as a pleasant journey
took us somewhere foreign
incomprehensible
indiscernible
it's hard to say when we took the wrong turn
nevertheless it happened
but so lost were we
in one another's arms
no one noticed
until it was too late
to save our hearts from pain
our names from shame
our hopes from being disappointed
and not being willing to
share equal parts in the mistake
we chose to blame one another
for not taking better care of our hearts
denying all the while
that perhaps we both made wrong assumptions
while being distracted
by the chemistry that got in the way
causing us to be shortsighted
in the midst of the smoke
hard truths became fuzzy
blurring the road before us for far too long
before it became crystal clear
that we had done
the wrong thing...