loving yourself enough to say goodbye...

is seems like so long ago that this happened in my life...but some of the feelings came back this weekend when a girlfriend shared her current relationship with me...it was as if she was talking about me...the difference was...that i had stepped away from it...she was at the point where she needed to make some hard decisions...

when i was in the depth of my relationship - i never imagined that i would one day be able to share with another and somehow be able to truly understand and help...it was a time in my life that caused great heartache - my friends did not understand, my family did not approve...but more than anything...i did not know how to walk away...

the relationship lasted way longer than it should have...not all of it was a "relationship" as in boyfriend/girlfriend...some of it was just trying to remain friends...all in all...it cost me dearly...this was one of the lowest moments in my life...and i felt trapped. what i realize now...is that no matter how much i wanted to blame him for all he did...i had to come to the realization that i allowed him to treat me as he did...

i spiraled out of control as my self esteem disappeared - i remember how worried my friends were...they listened - not understanding why i stayed...i didn't understand...how could i even begin to explain it to them...but i tried.

it took years to get to the point where i started loving myself enough to realize that i did not deserve the treatment i was getting...no one did...what i realized was that i needed to permanently sever ties. and i did...but it took many years...i finally came to see that it was time to call it "quits" when the pleasure i got out of the relationship didn't outweigh the hurt, anger or frustration i felt

for me, cutting off all contact with this man was my only option. when he called to see how i was doing and wanting to talk once again, i said, "no thanks. i only see men who treat me well." after i hung up the phone, i realized that i had finally set and enforced my personal limits. not only was it empowering and liberating, but i can't believe i lived any other way.

although i am not in a relationship now - i do know that a relationship built on real love feels good. it isn't selfish & it doesn't cause you anxiety. when someone really loves you he understands that you are lovable just because you are you.

a relationship requires work (as all my married friends confirm) but if it is healthy, it should bring you joy...not just some of the time...but most of the time. it should never require you losing your voice, your self-respect, or your dignity. it should involve bringing all of who you are to the table - and then walking away with more.

when all is said & done - one of the valuable moments in life is whether we have loved others and whether they have loved us...

and more imortant than that...do we love ourselves enough not to settle for any less than that...

to my girlfriend - because right now you don't believe it...you are worth so much more than you see right now...and i am going to keep on reminding you of that...just as my friends did me...

i'm here for you.