the last day of 2008...

it is the last day of 2008...

i find myself sprinting towards 2009...

as i woke up this morning...i started thinking about this past year...the funny thing is that...although there was some stuff that happened that i wished didn't...it did...

going into 2008...i remember thinking that i wanted a better year than the prior one...i didn't want to be in the same place that i was...i never imagined in a million years that my heart would be broken as it was...truth be told...how could it be broken when i really wasn't in a committed relationship..the problem was...that in my eyes...i was committed...i didn't want to be with anyone else...see anyone else...he thought differently...the hardest part was that he didn't feel the need to let me know...
i lost a relationship...but more than that...i lost someone who was a big part of my life...a confidant...a daily "check-in" friend...

i also lost my dear friend carol to cancer...she was a friend...a mentor...a fighter...a beautiful beautiful woman...

and these two events happened within a week of each other...

and in these two events...i learned a multitude of lessons...

i believe that sometimes God needs to really shake things up in your life to get your attention...
my life...although devoted to Him...was a convenience at times...when i needed Him...i wanted Him there...but when things were going along fine...well...i lived my life for Him...but it was in idle mode at times...

God shook things up this year for me...and i am forever grateful...my life has changed...it is completely different than where it was last year...the funny thing...is that there is nothing tangible to show for it...but in my heart...things are different...

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

my hope was not planted in the Lord 100%...i thought it was...but when my world came crumbling down...i realized how much hope i had placed in people...in a person...and when all my hope was crushed...and i had nothing to fall back on...

well...back up here...i did have something to fall back on...but it was in that glimpse of loss of hope...that i saw...my hope was in the wrong person...

people will always let you down...i will let others down...we are human...the only place where we can truly place our hope...and know that it will not come crashing down...well that hope is in the Lord...

i do not know what 2009 holds for me...what i do know...is that i am going into it with such excitement...such eagerness...such boldness...

a portion of my devotional today read...
this was human hope. That kind of hope is in limited quantity, and when it runs out, you are left drained, discouraged, disappointed and …hopeless! Oh, it may masquerade as “hope,” but it is completely different from the hope that God provides. God’s hope renews and refreshes. It empowers, uplifts, and strengthens. God’s hope does not disappoint! There is an unlimited supply of God’s hope. God knew I had been clinging to human hope, and He knew that last 1% of weak, feeble hope would run out. He wanted me to cling to Him, the God of true, lasting, unlimited hope. So, as I wiped my tears, I waited as the winds of God’s hope blew my way. My circumstances were still the same, but my heart was now filled with the hope that only God can provide.

that truly summarizes how i feel at this moment...my circumstances are still the same...but my heart is filled with such hope...i know that i know that God will provide for me everything that i need at the right time...

the most exciting thing about 2009 for me...is that i have absolutely no expectations...so all i am left with...is to see the wonderful surprises God has in store for me...
what could be better than that? seriously!!

dear Lord...thank you for your wonderful, everlasting hope. please help me to always put my hope in You and You alone...thank you that with you all things are possible...

and to my faithful readers...my hope for you is that 2009 will bring you peace and joy...and an abundance of new memories...

tender moments...

tender moments...

they come at you when you least expect it...gotta be alert to catch them...

i am having a tender moment right now...

as most of my friends know...coffee in the morning is a neccessity...so this morning as my coffee was brewing...i decided to sit down and check out some stuff on facebook...

i sit on my couch...put my laptop in my lap...smell the java brewing...and then the tender moment happens...

sasha...my younger kitty...decides that he wants to climb into my lap...he snuggles between the laptop and me...pushes his little tushy until the spot is just right...looks up at me...stretches his neck up and gives me a little kiss...

tender moment...so here i am wanting my coffee...but do not have the heart to push him off my lap...he has now curled up into a tiny ball...his little tush...slightly over the laptop..his face cuddled in the nook of my arm...his head moving to the typing from my hand...

sasha does sit in my lap...but it is usually only at the end of the day...when he is done with all his playing and shennanigans...

this morning...he went straight for my lap...needing a little time with mom...

the coffee will have to wait...

tender moments need to be treasured...and enjoyed...in the moment...

the in-between...

the week following christmas has always seemed like such a strange time for me...

there is the big realization that christmas is over...kind of like a wedding...all the planning...and bam...it's over...

then there is the anticipation of the new year's eve celebrations...and the start of a new year...

the last week of the year...i tend to just want to hibernate...sleep it away...but what i usually end up doing is a lot of thinking...sometimes a bit too much thinking...

i analyze the year...what went right...what went wrong...what i could have done better...what i could have done more of...what i could have done less of...

it is a time of reflection...but also...it is a time of refreshing...a time to think about what i would like to change...work on...make better...not only for me...but for those around me...those that are in my life...

there are the standards...balancing your life so that there is equal time of work, play and alone time...

one of the things that i seem to focus more on...as i get older...is spending quality time on myself...and giving of myself to others...seems like two opposites...but i have found...that if you do not give time to yourself...you have very little to give others...

as resolutions are made...and broken...i myself want to be realistic in my approach to the new year...but i also want to push myself...to better myself...to clean out the bad or the time consuming things that bring nothing into my life...

i want to stretch myself...to learn more...to give more...to soar...

how do i do this? for me...it starts with prayer...really digging deep and realizing what the Lord's will in my life is...what He would like me to do...i feel as i continue in my walk with Him...draw closer to Him...i ultimately am in His will for my life...as He directs and leads me...as i am open to His promptings...

there is an excitement for the new year...the last quarter of this year has been one of alot of changing...re-arranging...deep healing...growing...forgiving...and a hard look at my life...where it is at...where i thought it would be...where i hope it will be...

the new year has a look of newness...adventure...surprises...

what remains the same...are my close knit circle of family and friends...and my Lord and Savior leading me...

i am fully equipped to move forward...moving forward with anticipation and excitement...

i have no idea what 09 has in store for me...but i am ready...truly ready...

christmas after blues...

the day after christmas...

weird feeling...to say the least...to early to be thinking of new years eve...but yet...all the preparation for christmas...now done...over with...

if i were honest...as i try to be on my blog...it is a bit of a disappointment...not because of christmas...because christmas was wonderful...but the fact that it is over...just like that...

i am back home...after a whirlwind of get-togethers...and celebrations...and i'm tired...really tired...but it is a good feeling...a feeling of fullness...i got my fill of love...laughter...new memories...and togetherness with everyone i wanted to be with...

my tree is still lit...the lights are still twinkling...but there is a bit of sadness that seems to linger in the air...

but as i think about that...i can't quite put my finger on why...because although the holiday is over...the feelings of togetherness and family and love and laughter...well...they continue...

celebrations just need to continue in other ways...

if truth be told...i am pretty excited about ending this year...not because i'm rushing to get any older ;o)...but i...for the first time...in a really long time...feel really good about my future...i'm not quite sure why...but i do...so i will leave it at that...and not try and explain something that i don't even understand...

what i know...is that this was a year of learning...i learned some hard lessons...but i faced them head on...took the lessons...applied the lessons...and became stronger and more aware of what i want and don't want in my life...i also learned more about myself...how i so easily can put myself on the back burner...for others...while there is really nothing wrong with that...i learned that...i can't contribute fully to others...when i am not complete...

i am finally realizing what is really important in my life...what i want in my life...

so as i am a little sad that christmas is over...and i need to once again...pack away the decorations...the music...

i focus on all the good that i can look forward to...

here's an early toast to a new year...here's looking forward to wonderful 09...

christmas day...

it is christmas day...as dreary as the day is outside so far...pouring rain & hail...my heart is filled to overflowing...family & friends surround me...laughter...new memories are being made...

i absolutely love this time of year...always have...always will...but it is not just for one reason...
sure the festivities are wonderful...the music...the lights...the christmas tree...all of it...i love and treasure...

but the main reason for christmas...the reason for the season...

God sent His son...to this world...to be born in a lonely manger...not a setting fit for a king...but he came...none the less...because of His love for you & me...He came so that we would know a better life...

i am overwhelmed by His love towards me...

wishing all my readers a wonderful joyous christmas day...may you be surrounded by those you love and cherish...but most of all...may you feel His love and peace in a special way this year...

i leave you with another one of my favorite christmas songs...

"mary, did you know?"


Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will one day walk on water?
Did you know
That your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
That your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you've delivered
Will soon deliver you

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Did you know
That your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand?
Did you know
That your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
And when you kiss your little boy
Youve kissed the face of god

Mary, did you know?
The blind will see
The deaf will hear
And the dead will live again
The lame will leap
The dumb will speak
The praises of the lamb

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy is lord of all creation?
Did you know
That your baby boy will one day rules the nations?
Did you know
That your baby boy is heavens perfect lamb?
This sleeping child youre holding
Is the great I am

christmas eve morning...

it is christmas eve morning...as i sit in my living room...it is still a bit dark out...the christmas tree lights are twinkling...it is raining outside...

the neighborhood is starting to wake up...there is the occasional car that drives by...

i sit in the quiet...reflecting on the true meaning of christmas...the message of christmas that so easily gets lost in the hustle and bustle of getting the tree up...buying the right gifts...getting them wrapped...figuring out where christmas celebrations will be spent...

but this morning...i reflect on isaiah 9:6

for unto us a child is born...unto us a son is given...and the government shall be upon his shoulder...and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father...and The Prince of Peace is He...

He has been all these things to me...i don't know anything different...

He came to this world...the King of Kings...born in a manger...no fan fare...no nothing...came to save the world...

He saved me...

this year...especially in the last 3 months...3 difficult months...His peace has enveloped me as i never could have imagined...He truly is the Prince of Peace...

this christmas eve...as i reflect on Him...i am thankful for all that He is to me...more than what He has given me...in way of family and friends...although all of that is so important to me...

most importantly is my relationship with Him...without it...i do not know where i would be today...He is my rock...my source of comfort...my source of peace...my strength...my father...my everything...

my evening with jack...

yesterday i met a young man named jack...big brown eyes...full of life...and shopping for his mom...

he showed up at nordies with his grandma & grandpa...in his pocket...many wrinkled dollar bills...
i asked if there was something i could help them with...jack looked up at me...and said..."i need help to find my mom the best present"

now there is a job you want to fulfill as best you can!

i asked him to tell me about his mom...what colors she likes...etc...he was able to answer all my questions so eloquently...

jack is 4 yrs old...i've had men come in shopping for their girlfriends...for their wives...not having a clue about the questions i asked...and here is jack...4 yrs old...and he knows his mom very well...

as we were looking for the perfect gift...i striked up a conversation with jack...and after 5 minutes...he just comes up to me...and grabs my legs to hug me...a full bear hug! guess we had an instant connection!

talking with jack...i found that he had saved this money from doing chores at grandma & grandpa's house...and his mom had no idea that he had this money...she was in for a wonderful surprise...

in our economy...jack had a nice little bundle...enough to buy his mom a beautiful scarf...as he helped me uncrumple his bills...and sort out all his quarters...i asked if he wanted to help me wrap his mom's gift...his eyes showed pure delight...his love for his mom was so apparent...

in that 10 minute interaction...i received 4 hugs from jack...his grandparents were a little surprised...telling me how he is very distant when he first meets people...

i wished them a beautiful christmas...and they took off...

about an hour later...i took my dinner break...normally i just go to the cafe...but being that it was already so late...they had closed...so i ventured out in the mall to bodeen's...i placed my order...waited for my order...and then set out to find a nice quiet table...as i sat down...about a minute later...jack is at my side...smiling ear to ear...his bright beautiful big brown eyes shining...

"can you be my date for dinner?" he asked...

ok...how can anyone say no? i was honored...i picked up my tray...took his hand and walked over to their table...

i had one of the most wonderful dinner dates...who knew that a 4 yr old boy named jack...could...just by being himself...warm the heart of a stranger as he did...

as i was driving home last nite...thinking about the day...it was well past midnite at this point...i remembered my prayer on the same day to work...i had asked the Lord to help me through my day...that i would be able to let His light shine through me...and at the end of the prayer...i remembered that i had added...and Lord..let me see a burst of your love today...

He brought it in the way of jack...a beautiful 4 yr old boy...loving his mom...loving those around him...

don't save it all for christmas day...

it is officially christmas week...working in retail this season...well...i've gotten to see alot of personalities...alot of emotions...

some are happy...some are stressed...some are grumpy...some are mean...for the most part though...people are in a happy state...as they hurriedly try and find the last few gifts needed...while stock is picked over...or some are just starting out on the christmas list...and wondering why the choices or colors are so slim...

my job has been simple...;o) try and help them find the perfect gift...but i've also tried and calm them down...to actually talk to them about the true reason for the season...as i really cannot openly talk about Jesus' birth...i can talk about family and love...

which brings me to one of my all time favorite songs...when i first heard it...it penetrated to my heart instantly...and every year after that...it still pierces my heart...i first heard it sung by avalon...then celine dion...and clay aiken...no matter who sings it...the words ring true...

as a romantic...i have to say my favorite line is in the second verse...
"a hug is warmer when you're in it"

this year...i do not have anyone to hug...well i do...i have plenty of family and friends to hug...but not a special someone...so the line has mixed emotions for me...

but the message is strong...the message is clear...although christmas is a time that people "show" their love through gift giving and celebration...it shouldn't be saved for only at this time of year...

as you read the lyrics...may it penetrate your heart...

Don't get so busy that you miss
Giving just a little kiss
To the ones you love
Don't even wait a little while
To give them just a little smile
A little is enough
How many people are crying
People are dying...
How many people are asking for love

So don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find a way To give a little love everyday
Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find your way
Cause holidays have come and gone
But love lives on
If you give on Love...

How could you wait another minute
A hug is warmer when you're in it
And Baby that's a fact
And saying "I love you's" always better
Seasons, reasons, they don't matter
So don't hold back
How many people in this world
So needful in this world
How many people are praying for love

Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find a way
To give a little love everyday
Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find your way
Cause holidays have come and gone
But love lives on
If you give on Love...

Let all the children know
Everywhere that they go
Their whole life long
Let them know love

Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find a way
To give a little love everyday
Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find your way
Cause holidays have come and gone
But love lives on
If you give on Love...
Love...

getting fit...

i've been focusing on the life of joseph lately...boy did he get a lot of bad raps in his life...he was up and he was down...he became the favored son and then was thrown into a pit...sold into slavery by his brothers...found and put into a place of honor...rose to a high position in potiphar's house, only to be falsely accused and hauled off to jail...helped others get out of prison and then was forgotten by the men he helped...finally...some seventeen years later...after his brothers threw him into the pit...he was elevated to the highest position in the land, just below pharoah himself...

maybe like joseph...you've been stripped of your position and cast into darkness...and maybe it has happened more than once to you...maybe like joseph you have been released from the dungeon, only to find yourself thrust back there again by hard circumstances...

do you feel forgotten, abandoned...maybe even a bit hopeless?

i love the end of joseph's story...for it truly holds the key...he somehow understood what God had in mind..."you intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives" (genesis 50:20)

as joseph said this to his brothers...who had started the whole chain of events in his life...he knew that this was meant to be...

the up's and down's of joseph's life were exactly what God used to shape him into the man who would one day save an entire nation...and from whom would come Jesus of Nazareth...who would one day redeem the entire world...

i've been thinking of all the shaping that has been taking place in my life...and especially most recently...

as in joseph's life...our real shaping...the shaping of our hearts...well...as much as we may not like it...comes through struggle, through hardship, through pain and suffering...basically the shaping comes from the flat-out hard stuff of life...

it's not produced in comfort or complacency...it happens in the desert, in a back hole, or in a palace prison...it happens in the lonely and desolate places where we're all alone...

all alone...except for God...

our shaping can be a time of breaking...of our pride, our control, our pasts, our fears...even our dreams...we're stripped of what we have known and what we have relied on...even of what we have been promised...

why?

i've asked that question many many times during my time in the desert...i believe in our brokenness God can begin to do something through us that we could never imagine doing on our own...

that excites me!

like joseph, we have all been given a dream, a vision...we each have our own land to redeem...it may be our family, community, our industry, our nation...our generation...and through the desert...we are being prepared...through all the painful and difficult circumstances in our lives, to take that ground...

when we allow God to shape us...we then are truly "fit"...for life and for loving service to God and to one another...we are being shaped into people of faith, integrity, and purity of heart...people who can be trusted with the dreams that God has placed in us and the purposes He has for us...

#8 on the board...

i did it!

since my december is so slow with my regular job...i decided to make some use of my time...and work at good old nordies for christmas...

my mom has worked there forever (seriously)...one of the things she would always talk about...was walking up the employee stairs...on the second landing...a big board shows the top ten sales people from prior day...

secretly...my goal was to get on that board...

this morning i was #8...on my fifth day on the job...now that is a great feeling...if course...my mom didn't notice...today she was running late...and just ran up the stairs...and didn't look ;o(...
when i told her...she said she was going to go look on her break...kinda cute huh? awww...

this job has been an interesting job...i had my reservations about applying...part of me felt like it was a step back for me...being that i had done retail back in high school...i realized that it was a pride issue that i needed to deal with...and i did...

i needed to look on the good aspects of working there...first and foremost...nordies is all about customer service...something that i feel is lost in almost every other store you walk in...so i liked that part of it...

i really enjoy helping people find the right gift...or helping those who need help in their wardrobing...so that sealed the deal...

but then again...i needed to be hired...

i remember going in to the open interview...there were about 50 of us in the room...i felt a bit deflated at that point...but i knew that i just needed to represent myself...and if it was meant to be...it would be...i interviewed with two managers...then i was escorted out the door...and told that i would hear in about a week...

the next day!! yes the next day they called and offered me a position...i was surprised...and told them that...seems that both managers were wanting me...and they didn't want to lose me...so they called right away...

that deflated feeling? well it was gone...

but back to the board...it reminded me of my competitive spirit...i have always been competitive in my career...but not at anyone else's expense...being at this job...it showed me some who are very cut throat...i lost many many sales...right from under me...but i was determined to let His light shine...

i know that nothing i do is without the Lord...He has made each of us unique...and it is our job to use that uniqueness for His glory...no matter what the circumstances...

so was i upset when some of the other sales people rang up my sales under their own? yeah...i'm human after all...they knew that i knew...my job was to react in the best light...at the same time not being a pushover...
silently i prayed...that the Lord would give me opportunities to show His love...and i believe that He did...i also believe He sent me the right customers...at the right time...to get me to get to #8 on the board...

8 more days...

8 more days!! have i mentioned recently how much i love this season?? ;o)

this year is working out rather nicely for me...i have to say...just like thanksgiving...i will be able to spend it with the WHOLE family...these are the things that matter most...honestly...although we will not all be together in one house...i am happy that i will at least see everyone...and spend time with everyone...

so far...my plans consist of christmas eve with my older brother and his family...and my mom & dad...followed by a sleepover with my two nieces...(their idea to wake up to hot chocolate and opening presents) awww...love those girls!
then i will head out to my younger brother & best friend's house...to spend christmas with them...honestly...it is funny how it all worked out...

the strange thing about this year...is that i have not been to any christmas performances...that is a little sad for me...i usually attend about 3 different performances...this year...with my chaotic schedule...i was not able to...

i don't want to be so busy these last 8 days that i do not stop and enjoy this season...enjoy it with friends and family...but most importantly...to focus on the true reason for the season...i want to dwell on the Father sending His son to earth as a baby...to fulfill the ultimate promise...

this time of year serves different emotions for different people...many are searching...many are lonely...many are without family...many are without funds...many are stressed as to where there next meal will come from...

in giving...it is not about the presents...there are many ways to give...giving of our time...the most precious...

my sister-in-law summed it up best when she was planning a luncheon with some of her girlfriends...they meet up every year for a christmas luncheon...and as money is tight...and people still feel the "need" to purchase a gift...she rsvp's to the luncheon with "let our presence be our presents"

i like that...although i love to give gifts...and this year was a tight one...it is in the time spent together that memories are made...not the gift itself...

true friendship...how sweet it is...

there is something so comforting in old friends...

today i got to see a friend that i have not seen in over 16 years...in high school...we were inseparable...we went to the same school...same church...sang in a quartet together for many years...many many memories...

when tania got married...her husband and her moved away to montana...this month...she made the trip out to sacramento to visit her famiy...we had planned on me coming out to see her...and then i got this job with crazy hours...and knew that i wouldn't be able to make it...

tania decided to make a day trip out to the bay area...and visit with some friends...i knew that she was driving back the same day...and felt bad as the hours went by...i finally called her...told her i was still at work...at this point it was 9:15pm...and she was looking at a 2 hour drive...
she said only one thing to me..."i will not leave tonite...until i get a chance to see you and hug you"

as i finished up at work...i headed over to where she was...i was greeted with the warmest hug...
as we sat and reminisced...i had forgotten some of the wonderful memories we had together...
we laughed and caught up...it was wonderful...

over 16 years...and it was like i had just seen her last week...that is true friendship...

as i drove home...all i could do was thank the Lord for all the wonderful friends that i am blessed with...i know that i bring them up alot in my blog...but it is something that i do not take for granted...

i am forever grateful for the wonderful friends the Lord has blessed me with...they are a big part of who i am today...it was through the love, encouragement & laughter...being there with me through good and bad times...no matter what was going on in my life...my friends...my true friends...have always...and still today...remain by my side...cheering me on...supporting me...loving me...

who is your priority?

my girlfriend sent me a quote the other day that stopped me in my tracks...

"never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option."

ok...even as i read it now...it stirs up really deep emotions for me...i completely was guilty of this...and it didn't work out in my favor...

the lessons learned from the experience were intense...to say the least...as i think back...it really saddens me to know that what all my friends were telling me were true...i was sure they just didn't know him like i did...

turns out...it was me who didn't know him...

as i look back...i think it must have saddened God's heart...he (not God) was all i thought about...his struggles and pain were all i wanted to care for...there was nothing that i wouldn't have done for him...and as much as was in my power...i did all i could do for him...

i sometimes think...do i have that kind of devotion for the Lord? i know that i love the Lord with all my heart...but to have that adoration...where He is all i think about...unfortunately...life happens...and i let "things" or "people" become more deserving of my time...i don't do it intentionally...but none the less...it happens...and God patiently waits...waits for more time with me...

the story ends where i was not the option that was chosen...and as much as that hurt...the biggest lesson learned...the one that was glaring at me...was how easy it is to be swayed by people and things...

the saddest part is that there is a big hole where this friend resided...i sometimes wonder if God felt it was necessary for me to be stripped of the whole relationship...not only the intimate side of it...but the friendship side as well...seems rather intense...but i'm dealing...as best i could...

i have always been teased about seeing things with a "glass half full" mentality...so here it goes...
in losing someone...and being hurt by someone who i considered one of my dearest friends for the last eight years...i have clung to the Lord...and in spending time with Him...as i always have...but in making Him my priority...and not others...i have a peace and contentment that is indescribable...

i am not an option to the Lord...He loves me no matter what...there is nothing that i could do that would make Him love me more...and there is nothing so terrible that i could do...that would make Him love me less...

He is...and needs to be my priority...

even when i hopefully someday...meet that special someone...i need to keep my priority set on the Lord...

people will let you down...the Lord...never will...

your life as a bible read...

last weekend during a two day training...one of the ladies in my class was a beautiful 24 yr old named denise...

denise does not see her beauty...she sees the beauty in magazines...and thinks that is what she needs to look like to be considered beautiful...

denise is a plus size dark beauty...i connected with her instantly...almost like a big sis...i really saw so much more in her than she did...so i continued through out the weekend to point out everything i saw in her...

she just graduated from college...dresses like a true fashionista...has the face of an angel...gorgeous jet black hair...and most importantly...a warm heart...

she sees herself as someone who is having a hard time finding a job...making it about her...and not the tough economy we are in...

she sees herself as someone who will never be a size 2...instead of realizing that beauty is not a size...

we became instant friends...and when i saw her on my first day of work...she uttered these words...
"i miss you!"...she wished that i was in her department...working by her side...

i know she will do great...because she has a heart...a warm loving heart...but more than that...she works in a department where women would relate more to her than someone who is a size 2...so i sat with her and pointed out how she could use that to help her sales...she told me she hadn't thought of it that way...

i remember as a little girl growing up...a song that played often from one of my parents many record albums...was "your life's the only bible that some people read"

out of all the songs...this one just stuck with me through the years...

the fact is...there are alot of hurting people out there...especially around this time of year...many lonely people...

as we are bustling around town...frantically trying to get our shopping done...our errands done...take a moment to brighten someones day...it really doesn't take much...

a smile...a hello...holding the door for someone who is grappling with many shopping bags...

i pray the Lord gives me many opportunities...to show His love...that many will read my life...and see Christ love beaming through...

melancholy day...

today was an unusual day...unusual in that i can't quite put my finger on the emotions of the day...
if i look at the day as a whole...it was like any other...although a bit more busy than i like...
the difference in today...was a very heavy heart...and i'm really not quite sure why...

am i sad? no...

if i were to really analyze my life...i would have to say...that i am finally at a really really good place in my life...

that is why today really puzzles me...

i'm not even sure why i'm writing it out in my blog...maybe in the hopes of somehow realizing what is up with the emotions...

not sure...

so i try and shift gears...and focus on this beautiful time of year...it is my favorite time of year...

and as my home is filled with friends as of late...filled with laughter...filled with love...i realize...that even in these moments...when i may not quite understand some odd moments of melancholy...it is as if the Lord swoops down and showers me with more of His love...and as this day comes to an end...
i may not understand the feelings...but i know He is right there with me...

the courage to forgive...

yesterday i had courage on the brain...and today...i wanted to continue a bit on that...but talk about forgiveness...

forgiveness is a tough subject...i believe it takes courage to forgive...

the thing with forgiveness is that some people want to wait until they feel like forgiving to forgive...i don't know about you...but i do not really feel like forgiving...forgiveness does not come out of my feelings...but my will...i will to forgive...i make the choice to forgive...

if i were honest...as i want to be in my blog...when someone hurts me or lies to me or about me...my reaction is to "make" that person realize what they have done...but that is not in my control...i have learned that for my life to move forward unhindered...i must be a forgiver...

horace bushnell wrote "forgiveness is man's deepest need and God's highest achievement"

the truth is...i have been forgiven WAY more than i deserved...by my creator...i have also been forgiven by my friends and family when i have made stupid choices...or let them down...or when i have said something wrong...who am i to hold on to unforgiveness?

i think where people get hung up on forgiveness is that in some way they feel that by doing so...they are saying that the offense was ok...but that is not the way forgiveness works...offering forgiveness doesn't mean pretending the mistake didn't happen...it just means acknowledging it and moving on...

as i think back to one of my past relationships...one of the things that was done wrong...was that nothing was talked about...i would forgive...and move on...and not talk about the offense...

don't just open up your heart again to be hurt if you haven't talked about what went wrong...if you need to set boundaries...do so...

the hardest part...offering forgiveness means letting go of the offense whether or not the other person says, "i'm sorry." so go ahead...and be the first...don't wait to start forgiving until the other person says they are sorry too...if you wait for an apology before you begin to forgive, you are putting the power to forgive in the other person's hands when it belongs in yours...

i have learned that relationships grow on forgiveness, not perfection...offenses are bound to come...so let's be ready to forgive...

forgiveness takes courage and can be difficult for us because it pulls against "our" concept of justice...we are human...we want revenge for the hurt we have suffered...we may not say that out loud...but we do think it...well...i know i have...

do not forgive a person for their sake...forgive for your sake...so that you may be free...

let's be courageous...and willing to forgive each other...i know that i...do not want to grow up to be a litte old lady full of bitterness...

imagine what a better world we would live in if more people forgave...

what are you afraid of...

one of my favorite women to read about in the old testament is esther...

esther was a woman who rose up courageously in spite of feeling afraid...even though she was the queen, she was not allowed to see her husband, the king, unless he called for her...however, when she found out that her people were going to be killed, she bravely entered the court of the king on behalf of her people and was willing to lay down her life...willing to risk it all...because of her courage, a nation of people was saved...yes, she was afraid...but she stepped forward anyway. why? because the cause was greater than herself...

for a cause bigger than herself...

i believe this is how the Lord wants us to live...to be victorious for what is true and right...to ride triumphantly for the cause of truth, mercy, and justice...

what is needed to be this warrior? what are the qualities of a good soldier?

first...we need courage...so many people are bound up with one fear or another...fear of the unknown...fear of the future...fear of the economy...fear fear fear...

but if i am to take my place on the earth as a warrior...as a soldier...i must kill the fear and develop courage...

you and i have been given courage...and we've been given this courage so that we can fight the fears that attempt to knock us off course...we have been given courage to finish the journey set before us...

fear can act like a brake on your life...it stops you from becoming and doing all God wants you to be and do...it limits your potential and hinders your ability to be effective...

when we are afraid, we don't try new ideas because we fear that they will fail or we will be rejected, and so we miss opportunities for success...

what we need to do is to push through the fear...

every person who ever did anything amazing started out just a bit afraid...it is always a risk to try something new...

don't let fear keep you small...don't let the fear contain the potential inside you...

now, i understand the need for wisdom and caution...but i refuse to live my life in fear of what may happen...

rick warren says of fear: fear causes us to cover up... fear causes us to wear masks...fear causes us to avoid saying what we're really thinking, to pretend that we're somebody that we're not...it causes us to lie...the greatest block to intimacy in a marriage, a friendship, or any relationship is fear...why am i afraid to tell you who i am? because if i tell who who i am, you may not like who i really am, and i'm all i've got...fear causes us to hide, and it ruins relationships...fearful people cannot give love, and fearful people cannot receive love...fearful people cannot make commitments to others...fear cannot allow me to let my hair down and be real...

wow...

how many times have you said, "i'm afraid i might get hurt again"?...so you don't open up to anyone, therefore limiting your own life...and keeping yourself from the relationships that could very well bring you joy...

have the courage to open your heart again...you need to be wise about whom you open it to, but you need to open it again...

i started this post based on the comment...for a cause bigger than yourself...and i told the story of esther...who was willing to risk her life...

the thing is...i'm not sure we will be asked very often to give up our physical lives...but perhaps our egos...

awww...our egos...now there is a touchy one...

our egos are not sacred...we need to be willing to lay aside our rights and perhaps our desires in order to achieve the greater good...

be courageous...be the first to say, "i'm sorry"
be courageous...love your enemies...
be courageous...choose a friend outside your culture...
be courageous...tell the truth instead of the lie that might want to spring to your lips...
be courageous...stay committed to the path of love even when it's hard...
be courageous...

a warrior knows how to handle fear..but also has the courage to forgive...

more on that tomorrow...

treasures in small towns...

one of the advantages to have been in outside sales for many many years...was to be able to visit so many little towns and cities in northern california...

today...three of us decided to get in the car...and go visit some of these hideaways...there is something about these little towns...finding the main street...and all the little stores...the unique treasures that can be found...

first stop was santa rosa...definately not a little town...but there is a tiny store on the corner of 4th and talbot called "favorite things"...i always hated the drive for work - especially when i had to make it 3 times a week...but i loved stopping into this store...

"favorite things" is a gift store that has incredible trinkets for your home...today was special in that i had never been to it while it was decorated for christmas...i found two beautiful fluer de lys ornaments...and an eiffel tower..."so elena"...my friends agreed...

2nd stop on our girls day was sebastopol...here we stopped for a luscious breakfast/lunch...
strolled down the main strip to some hidden consignment shops...there was one store that was closed on monday's...but peeking through the window...very parisian...looks like i'm going to be needing to go back for that one...everything looked beautiful in the store...i was a bit bummed that it was closed...

3rd stop...petaluma......antique stores...one in particular...which is actually advertised as a military antique store...we decided to go in anyway...so glad i did...i found the most magnificent treasures...some vintage jewelry pieces...for a steal! i found the most beautiful cameo necklace...and a pearl choker...with the most beautiful clasp....along with that...some beautiful pins...they were so underpriced...but for me it was another blessing for me...

my morning had started with me taking my car in for a simple oil change...an hour later...the phone call i received from my honest faithful mechanic...was that i needed brakes...and new tires...so 1300.00 later...i was a bit...well...feeling sorry for myself...

my girlfriends...however...lifted my spirits...and all in all...the reality was...that i had a dependable car...i had my health...and my new part time job...so really i have a lot to be thankful for...so i decided to be thankful instead of dwelling on the looming bill...

in that...i ended up having a fabulous day with two of my favorite people...who also had taken me out last night for my big birthday bash dinner...

seriously...what is there that i need to complain about?

all in all...a really fabulous day!

where i find my self-worth...

i think what God is teaching me right now...is...a lot about where i find my self-worth...

so it was by no means an accident when my sister-in-law gave me a cd series to listen to...along the same lines...yes...i believe God had everything to do with it...;o)

the series is called "precious in His sight" taught by theresa ingram, wife of chip ingram...
it was basically a teaching to help women understand that they are fully forgiven, deeply loved, and have great worth because of their relationship with Christ...

we all spend many hours and days trying to be someone significant...often times looking in the mirror and not liking what we see...little do we know how precious we are in God's sight...

i know intellectually that God loves me...that His Son died for me...and His word is true to me all the time...but i do not necessarily feel it all the time as truth in my life day to day...

as i have gotten older...as i look into the mirror as a 46 year old women...i am less confident in how i look...and i'm being challenged to look to see where my confidence lies beyond my physical appearance...

speaking with others who are getting older...i am learning that everyone is going through the struggles as they age...especially in our culture...with the magazines and movies "telling" us how we should look...what size we should be...

i am learning that i need to let that go...

don't get me wrong...i still care about how i look...and i try to look my best...

but the point is ...

where is my worth?

is my worth in my impression of myself? or is it in other peoples impression of how i look?

or is it in...

how much God loves me no matter who i am or what i will become?

treadmill kitten...

this just makes me laugh...everytime i watch it...

christmas tree day...

today is the big day! i get my christmas tree...

this was the first year that i seriously considered not getting a tree...with the finances the way they are...and no true change in sight...should i really be spending my money on a christmas tree that will be here for less than a month?

the problem is...that i cannot get a little tree...that would probably cost less money...and take up less room...

my theory is...if i'm getting a tree...i'm going to go all out...

my christmas trees are always over 6 feet tall...this year will be no exception...

my girlfriend and i go every year...look over tree after tree to find the perfect one for my home...
she does this with me...every year...she has her artificial tree that she is happy with...and even though she is not picking one out for herself...she takes a morning off to help me out...
awww...

it is quite a site to behold - two girls trying to manuever 6 ft trees...but every year we manage...we also always find the perfect tree...and somehow...the two of us...manage to get the tree into my house...and on the stand...and standing straight...what a team!

prerequisites for my tree are: over 6 ft tall...and as wide as is possible...

i am like a little kid - as i start to imagine how my home will be after today...the smell of the fresh cut tree...the twinkling lights...the christmas music in the background...

and my two kitties will happily sit underneath the tree...they do this every year...as they are indoor cats...and this is the closest to nature that they ever get...

this year will be a "light" christmas as far as gift giving - so many people are struggling with finances...but as i think about it...the gift giving...although fun to give and receive...should not be the main focus of christmas...it is a time for family and friends...and time spent together...

i hope to have my home full of friends and family thoughout this season...so with that anticipation...i look forward to today...to make my home a christmas wonderland...for my friends and family who will visit...and for me...

one of my favorite things to do this time of year...is to sit quietly at night...with only the lights of the tree lighting the room..and contemplate...think...pray...and focus on all the wonderful things in my life...

there is a sense of peace...in the quiet of those moments...to focus on the birth of Christ...how He came to this world...a king...born in a manger...come to save the world...

the coffee bean...

as i was looking through my emails this morning...i came across one that i had saved...sent from a friend of mine...as i re-read it...i remembered why i had kept it...i had read this one before...but it was such a strong analogy...i love emails that make you stop and think...and evaluate where you are in your walk of life...

every trial, adversity and circumstance in life allow us to make a choice...although the trial or circumstance may not change for a while...or may completely change our course...we all have a choice in our reaction to it...

i'm striving to be a coffee bean...

thought i would share...

A daughter complained to her father about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it, and wanted to give up. She was tired of all the fighting and struggling. It seemed as though in solving one problem, two more would arise.

Her father, ( a chef ) took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil.

In one he placed carrots, in the second he placed eggs, and the last he placed ground coffee beans.

He let them sit and boil without saying a word. The daughter impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing. In about twenty minutes he turned off the burners.

He fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them a bowl. Then he ladled the coffee out and poured it in a cup.

Turning to her he asked. "Darling, what do you see?" "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. He brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. She smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. She humbly asked. "What does it mean Father?"

He explained that each of them had faced the same adversity, boiling water, but each reacted differently. The carrots went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. But after being subjected to the boiling water, they softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But after sitting through the boiling water, the insides became hardened. However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you," he asked his daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?

How about you? Are you the carrot that seems hard, but with pain and adversity do you wilt and become soft and lose your strength? Are you the egg, which starts off with a changeable heart? Were you a fluid spirit, but after difficult times, have you become hardened and stiff. Your shell looks the same, but are you tough with a stiff spirit and heart? Or are you like the coffee bean? The bean changes the hot water, the thing that is bringing the pain. When the water reaches it's peak temperature, it just tastes better.

If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and make things better around you. When people talk about you, do your praises to the Lord increase? When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, does your worship elevate to another level? How do you handle adversity?

Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean? "

fa la la la lifetime...

wow...i can't believe it is december! where has this year gone??

my favorite favorite time of year is upon us...time for christmas trees, decorations, shopping...
and most importantly...celebrating "Jesus"...the true reason for the season...

thirty days prior to christmas...the tv channel lifetime (ch 46 in my area) runs christmas movies...calling the event "fa la la la lifetime"...

every year i am like a hooked junkie...i tell you...how many versions of the movie "scrooge" can you watch? over the weekend i saw two contemporary versions...one with susan lucci...and the other with vanessa williams...i know the story...i know the ending...but yet i sit there...crying through it...

this last weekend i think i saw 5 movies on this channel...i cried through every one of them...no wonder i was sporting a headache all weekend...

these movies touch the heart strings...the christmas stories are about love, family, romance and hope...it doesn't get better than that...

if you are in need of some christmas cheer...check out the movies...i guarantee you will laugh...you will cry...and your heart will be warmed with this incredible season...

so tune into fa la la la lifetime...and have a fa la la la month...

chocolate birthday cake...nothing better...

when i was a little girl...for my birthday...i would always get either a strawberry or lemon cake...both my brothers would get chocolate cakes...nothing wrong with that...but i loved chocolate...and my brothers preferred the fruit flavors...but in my mom's mind...girls got pink & yellow...boys got the chocolate...kinda sexist...hahaha



as i got older...moved out...birthday cakes faded away...as i thought back on it...i think it was just that my birthday fell within the week of thanksgiving...so all the talk of desserts and stuff were based on the thanksgiving dinner...



i honestly do not remember the last time i got a birthday cake...let alone a chocolate one...it has definately been many many many years...periodically we would laugh about it during family dinners...how the strawberry & lemon cakes traumatized me...how i don't get birthday cakes...

everyone would laugh...but there was a little part of me every year...like a little girl...waiting & hoping that i would get a chocolate birthday cake...



this year...i decided to take matters into my own hands...why did someone else need to get me my birthday cake? if it is what i wanted...then i might as well go and get it...



my plan was in place...i went over to copenhagen bakery...looked at all the chocolate cakes...picked my favorite...asked them to write "happy birthday to me" and prepared to bring it to the family thanksgiving dinner...



as i walked into my mom & dad's house...the whole family was already there...and i made my announcement..."i have a surprise for everyone...this year i decided that i would finally get my own chocolate birthday cake...and i brought it today for all of us to share"



ok - as a side note...cracks me up that i buy something for myself and let everyone know that it is for them ;o)...kind of like the time that my ex boyfriend loved a girl wearing jeans...so i went out and bought a pair of jeans for myself...and told him i bought "him" a surprise...



but i digress...



seems my mom had been feeling pretty bad over the years...that my birthday was kind of over looked each year because of thanksgiving...this year...she had decided she was going to make it extra special...and she baked me a two layer chocolate cake with dulce de leche...and the most divine chocolate frosting ever...



needless to say...it completely touched me...not because it was chocolate...although that was pretty incredible...but because she took time out...while cooking up the whole spread for thanksgiving...to bake me my very own birthday cake...



she even had candles for me...and had everyone sing happy birthday to me...during the thanksgiving dessert time...



i was definately on a chocolate high last nite...and out of the seven different desserts out on the table...my mom's cake was the most delish...probably because it was made with so much love...



below is a pic of my two cakes...don't bother counting the candles...apparently my mom didn't have enough...haha

thanksgiving morning...

as i sit in the quiet of my home...i am overwhelmed with emotion...

there is so much to be thankful for...

as i think back over the year...there are so many things that didn't go the way i had thought they would...the way i had wanted them to...or the way i had planned...

it has been a year of lessons...some really hard lessons...
it has been a year of hurt...disappointment...
it has been a year of loss...betrayal...

but i sit today...and i am happier than i have been in years...how could that be?
i can say that for the first time in a really long time...i am content...i am content with where i am...

how can i have a thankful contented heart when the circumstances in my life are not what i had planned?

how can i have a thankful contented heart when the circumstances lie outside my control or my power to change it?

what i know for sure is that i serve a God who is trustworthy...and that He desires our good...God is sovereignly in control, providing for and working out ALL the circumstances in the lives of those who love Him. He is intimately involved with us...and He works out His purposes through the events in our lives...

what i know for sure is that God's love for His people is not determined by the circumstance in our lives. His love is steadfast...our marital status (dating life), career or finances might fluctuate or totally fall apart...in spite of that, though...we can..and must give Him thanks...He is always with us...

during this year...i have felt more love from family and friends...they surrounded me...they never said "i told you so"....even though they had warned me...they stood by me...comforted me...encouraged me...and loved me...

i know that was God...because at my lowest point...it was Him who came and met me...picked me up...and carried me...carried me until i was able to walk again...carried me until i was able to look beyond my circumstances at all that i truly had...

and i have a lot...

so as i'm sitting in the quiet...knowing that in about 5 hours...i will be with family...the first time in a long time...that the whole family will be together...i know there will be a lot of laughter...goofiness...stories told...teasing...

and for that...i am thankful...

but most of all...i am thankful for my Father in Heaven...who loves me in spite of me...

as i open up my itunes...i search songs based on the word "thankful"...

the first song plays...and once again i am overwhelmed...how appropriate...these words ring so true...

thankful by the katinas

Just a little while longer I wanna pray
Can't get You off my mind so I came to say
Thank You Lord just for loving me
Many times as I do forget
Every need that You have met
Oh thank You Lord,
I know You're showing me
You are there when I am down and out
You're holding me, Your love is so amazing
Oh it changed me

Chorus:
Here I am with all I am
Raise my hands to worship You
I wanna say thank you, oh thank you
For everything, for who You are
You cover me, You touch my heart
I wanna say thank you

I could have died in my sin but You saved me
Didn't have any hope at all
You gave me peace divine, strength to carry on
I should have been the one to pay
But instead You took my place
My Jesus, words cannot explain
Even though I don't deserve Your love for me
You look beyond my fault and You showed mercy

I wanna say thank you for the sun
I wanna say thank you for the rain
Everything You do is beautiful
I'm so grateful for Your love

Chorus:
Here I am with all I am
Raise my hands to worship You
I wanna say thank you, oh thank you
For everything, for who You are You cover me,
You touch my heart I wanna say thank you

may you find contentment in your situations...happy thanksgiving!

the order of events...

pet peeves...i have a few...but one that seems to really get under my skin...is the fact that christmas is promoted...seems like earlier and earlier...are we going to get to the point where christmas decorations are seen in the stores year round?

this year i think i saw the first glimpse of christmas in stores in late september...what happened to halloween and more importantly...thanksgiving??

i am pretty stubborn in my own "rules" of holiday start times...and actually...hopefully...i won't change ;o)

for example...i will not pull out any of my christmas stuff...or listen to christmas music...until the day after thanksgiving...something in me...i cannot do it...i feel at times that thanksgiving is just kind of thought of for a moment...and then the focus is back on the upcoming christmas holiday...

thanksgiving to me is a very special holiday...and yes...part of it is that i LOVE turkey SO much...actually i love all the food that is served at the thanksgiving table all the way to desserts...which in our household is quite the variety...

but more importantly...it is a time to really focus on all that we have...not necessarily in material items...but not to ignore those...but also...all the areas we have been blessed...all the wonderful family and friends that we are surrounded with...

there are so many things to be thankful for...and no...it shouldn't be thought of only on this day...but we also shouldn't live it as any other day...

yesterday was another reminder...just like every big event that happens...some make us think about what we have...and where we are in life...

it is sad that it takes tragedy, or the loss of someone you love, to snap us back to realizing what we have...

this thanksgiving...if you are fortunate enough to sit around a table full of family and friends...maybe even those irritating relatives...that may be a bit hard to handle...and food on the table...and laughter...

thank the Lord for your fortune...in a world where we are constantly wishing for more...many times...not happy with our current situations...

we are a blessed people...

so as i am like a little child...excited about pulling out my christmas music...i know that opportunity will come...at its appointed time...for now...i want to bask in all the blessings the Lord has given me...

i want to thank Him for my family...quirky as we may be...
i want to thank Him for my friends...who this year...have really surrounded me when i needed it most...
i want to thank Him for my health...
i want to thank Him for my home...
i want to thank Him for my beautiful two boys...(yes...my kitties) who entertain me daily...
i want to thank Him for the life He has given me...although at times it has been hard...it is a great life...and my hope is that it brings Him honor...

happy thanksgiving...

a little too much excitement in san mateo...

this morning started like any other...except that i remember talking to my uncle and telling him how there was a shooting last nite 4 blocks away from where i was having dinner...we were in the financial district in san francisco...how much safer can you be??

i told him that no place is safe anymore...

fast forward 1 1/2 hours...it is 9:30 or so...and i head out to my car...as i am driving out of the driveway...i look to my right...and see a cop car...i think that this is a little strange...then look left...it looks clear...so i proceed out of the driveway...turning left...only to be blocked by two other cop cars...i stopped at that point...wondering...should i keep driving? do i stop?
a police officer frantically motions for me to keep driving...

as i'm driving away...i had no idea that i would not be back in my home until a little after 4pm...

returning to my street 30 minutes later...my street was completely blocked off...no one could drive in...i parked my car...and stood waiting for the news...

15 minutes earlier there were gun shots...pop pop pop...it was like a movie...and then silence...so surreal...

as the minutes passed...different stories emerged...the bank on el camino had been robbed..and then the robbers ran and invaded a home on my street...four doors down from my house...four doors!!

now the story is that there was no bank robbery...just a home invasion...as the robber barged in...the mother was able to txt her husband...who called the police...

one neighbor i stood by...his room mate was still in the apartment when there was a knock on the door...he answered it to find snipers at his door needing to come in and set up...

our one tiny block...blocked off at each end with police yellow tape...had about 25 police cars, the swat team, the sniper team & hazmet services...

as the stories unveiled...the family that had recently moved in...two children ages 1 and 3...were home with their mother...as the mother was throwing her children out of the window...she was shot in the back...and later died...

what is our world coming to? san mateo has got to be one of the safest neighborhoods you could live in...this was so random...

we were finally allowed back into our homes a little after 4pm..as i sit in my living room...half the block is still taped off...police officers are everywhere...forensics are here...news reporters from every station...

and all i could think of is this poor mother...24 years old...risking her life to save her two young children...

my phone has been ringing off the hook...as people are either watching the news on tv...or have driven by my neighborhood...everyone wants to make sure i'm ok...and once again i am reminded...of how blessed i am in my life...with so many people that love me...

my prayers are with these two small children...and their father...who now must work through this ordeal and the loss of their mother/wife...

we are really living in crazy times...and this is a reminder...that no one is promised tomorrow...live your life each day as best you can...

laughter..the best medicine...

friday nite i had the opportunity to see damon wayan's at cobbs comedy club...

i usually do not like comedy clubs...some weird fear i have that "i" will be the one picked on...definately not the kind of attention i crave for...there are always those obnoxious people that make a point of annoying the comedian...i guess in hopes of getting a little bit of the lime light...me...not so much...i just want to sit and enjoy the show...

friday...i got a chance to do that...damon was hilarious...i laughed till my stomach hurt...it was THE best medicine...

the wayans have a full family of comedians...all the brothers are funny...can you imagine what there family get togethers must be like?

although it has been my birthday week...and every day has been so much fun and full of love from my friends and family...there is the underlying stress that is there...finances, the economy, feeling pulled into situations that i shouldn't be a part of...but am...all in all...when i get home...that is what awaits me...stress...

friday nite showed me how wonderful laughter is...i am sure that there was a room full of people that had stress, hurt, loneliness, loss...but for a while...everyone just laughed...does it make the pain go away? does it make the stress go away? no...it is still there...but the laughter from deep inside you...when it erupts...it in some way releases some of that...even if only for a short time...

throughout the weekend...i would remember some of the things that damon had said in his show...and it brought the smile back...brought the laughter back...

research has shown that laughter has health benefits as well as a way for stress management...and the good thing is...you can get it for free...

"mirth is God's medicine. everybody ought to bathe in it" henry ward beecher

"the most wasted of all days is one without laughter" e.e. cummings

"laughter is the shortest distance between two people" victor borge

laughter is contagious...so if you have a chance for laughter...seize the moment...

a parisian birthday...

anyone who knows me...knows that i love anything french...french fashion...french food...i can always spot a fleur-de-lis...in fact...many reside in my home...and then there is just paris...beautiful beautiful paris with its eiffel tower, cafe's, shopping, museums, churches...just thinking about it...makes me want to go back...(dana...are you ready?)...

my birthday "nite" was celebrated "paris" style...i was greeted at the door with a dozen beautiful red roses...(that isn't necessarily french...but it was lovely...none the less)

dinner was at chouchou (pronounce shooshoo) a french bistro...chouchou comes from the term "mon petit chou" literally translated as "my little cabbage", but actually means "cutie-pie" awww...

on the third thursday of each november, from little villages and towns like romanèche-thorins, over a million cases of beaujolais nouveau begin their journey through a sleeping france to paris for immediate shipment to all parts of the world. banners proclaim the good news: le beaujolais nouveau est arrivé! "the new beaujolais has arrived!" one of the most frivolous and animated rituals in the wine world has begun.

well...the third thursday of november this year...fell on my birthday...so there was quite the celebration going on in the restaurant...

the restaurant is a tiny hole in the wall...you would really only know about it through word of mouth...which honestly are my favorite kinds of restaurants...
the host was adorable...as we walked in he gave us the biggest hug...both my date and i! he welcomed us to the celebration...and told us a little of the meaning of this third thursday in november...

dinner was absolutely deliscious...nice and rich...and mouth watering...paired with a bottle of the beaujolais nouveau...and then of course...the best part...dessert! a chocolate pear tart...

as we were leaving...the host ran out to the street...to give us one more big hug...

it was such a warm friendly atmoshere...from the moment we stepped in to the restaurant...until the very last moment...

and me?? well...i honestly felt like i had been taken to paris for my birthday...

happy birthday to adena and me...

happy birthday adena!! and happy birthday to me!

my partner and dear dear friend adena and i share the same birthday! can you imagine?? two fashionista's out and about on the town??

that was us last nite! what a fun time...good conversation...and those pomegranate martini's...won't say how many we had...but hey...we were celebrating! and on top of it?? i get the most beautiful vintage bracelet...oh...how she knows me!

adena - i love you girl! so much! it has been a pleasure getting to know you this year...working with you! sharing fashionista loves together...but most of all...just having you in my life as a friend...you are an absolutely beautiful woman...inside and out...and i am proud to call you my friend!

and me...well...i have always loved celebrating my birthday...it is truly the time in my life where i am reminded of how many wonderful people i am blessed to call my friends...

my phone has been ringing off the hook...i have txt messages galore...birthday cards are filling up my kitchen counter...email is full of ecards i haven't even gotten to...i have birthday plans through mid december in my calendar...

and i just sit back and thank the Lord for the blessings...i am surrounded by so many incredible friends and family...some i've known a lifetime...others are new friends...the length of time doesn't really matter...what matters is that i have for some reason...been blessed with so much love in my life...and for that...i am forever grateful!

dinner with andy...

last nite my friend andy took me for birthday celebrations to boulevard in san francisco...one of my fave restaurants...it was so nice to see him and catch up...

andy and i go way back to my days at bgi...he has recently retired (at the age of 45!) and has been traveling all over the world for the last year and a half...it was wonderful to hear of all his travels...places he has been...and places that are planned for the coming year...

before he retired...he had been out of the country most of the last 10 years...traveling for work...so we rarely had a chance to see each other...but kept in touch via email mostly and sporadic phone calls...

the sweetest thing for my birthday this year...was that he planned his travels around my date...
so my dinner date was planned literally between a trip to poland and singapore...i thought that was kinda sweet...warmed the cockles of my heart...i told him...

the evening was full of lots of reminiscing...we used to always go sailing by the golden gate bridge...all our work escapades...massive dinner parties...but one moment made me blush...andy got a kick out of that...he started telling me the first moment he "noticed" me at work...he had been working for about a month...apparently when i made my entrance...this one day...his first thought was..."and why is this the first time i am noticing her?"...i never never knew...i of course argued on some of his detailed accounts...especially the "short shorts" i was wearing...although we both know that my memory bank is about the size of a gnat...i had planned to tell the story...but i think i'll just keep it between the two of us...;o)

so as andy gets ready for his trip to singapore...i am looking forward to more birthday celebrations...

but one plan made last night...is that we will make a point to get back out and sail...
that makes me long for summer...

cleaning out the closets...

as i have been diligently cleaning out my closets...a lesson has emerged...who knew?

having done many closet audits for clients...you would think that cleaning out my own closet would be a breeze...not so much...why do we hold on to things that serve us no purpose? it is too easy to say that we will let go of the past...the past can be like our closet...which holds all the clothes we have ever worn...all the clothes from different seasons...and all the sizes we have ever worn...each one can represent...a different aspect of the past that we need to let go of...

some of the clothes may bring laughter...how could we wear such a thing? yet we still hold on to it...it serves some memory for us...maybe the "good ole days" or a wonderful day...a relationship...they may be clothes that we wouldn't be caught dead in now...yet they remain hidden in the closet...out of sight...however...though they be hidden away...they remain...taking up room...and they are a constant reminder every time you open your closet door...dig through the clothes to find something to wear...

letting go makes room for the new...just as our closets could be crammed with clothes...our hearts and lives can be overstuffed with "junk" and preventing us from the fullness of intimacy with Christ in our lives...and all that He has intended for us...

i have had to deal with the past in so many ways this last year...it has reared its ugly head most recently in the last few weeks...in order to challenge me, mock me, ridicule me, and most of all...try and intimidate me from moving on in Him to His higher calling for my life...try and convince me to deny who my Abba Father says i really am...

if this happens to me...i am most assured it happens to others...maybe even you...

the hurt seeps through my heart...and i start to question all over again...i have let go...but i have also come to the realization of what i needed and still need to get to the point that i know Him as i am known by Him...i need to let go again...

not quite sure why most recently...people have decided to come out of the woodwork and reveal stories of the person i once loved...a part of me needs to question..why now? why was i not aware of these things before...before i gave my all...and why are these stories finding there way to me? are they things i needed to know? are they things that are just moving in to hurt me? i carefully watch the actions of these people...do they have my best interest at heart? are they just trying to hurt a persons reputation? as they continue to befriend the person they so freely reveal things about...i question the intentions...

the reality is...that alot of the stories are probably true...but they don't pertain to me anymore...but i fight the feelings of being so wrong about a person...and that part does hurt...knowing that when you thought you meant something to someone...you really didn't...you were just one of many...

it is a constant exercise...i will never be the person who wore those old clothes and neither will you...we are new creatures in Christ...and becoming newer every day in every way...the enemy would want us to believe that we are the same person...he does this by convincing us that we are unworthy, unloved or unforgivable...by rattling the chains of our past in our face...

it is so easy for us to go back to that place...to question...to re-evaluate ourselves...and our worth...this is when we need to cling to our Father...

in loving Him...we will love others...in loving Him...we will love ourselves...and in loving ourselves we will begin to realize the life He has for us...and how we allow others to treat us...

so how does this relate to cleaning out our closets? well...we must remove anything that separates us from the love of God...whether it be lies of the enemy about God...others...or our self...whether it be actual things or strongholds we need to forsake and let go of...be it our thought life, attitudes or actions...

often times seeing the issue whether it be the truth about a personal struggle...or a lie of the enemy...it will lead you to the Father...in the Father...you find the answer...once you find the answer, which is the very opposite of the struggle or the lie...you can swiftly clean it out of the closet of your heart...and make room for more of His truth...

enough is enough...time for a trip to goodwill...

is it time yet?...

i have been like a little kid...getting excited for the christmas decorations...the christmas music...of course everything has its order...and there are several things that need to take place before my absolutely favorite holiday...christmas...

my birthday (of course)...a holiday of its own?? no...not really...but it definately is a great time of year for me...i love the celebrations...my brothers never understood why a birthday which is one day...for me lasted for months...;o) its been a busy month...birthday celebrations almost every day...gotta love it! i'm sure i'm gonna gain some pounds with all the dinners...but...hey...totally worth it...i can diet next year!

so far my birthday celebrations are planned through december...i'll take time off for thanksgiving...to celebrate the season of thanks...turkey...uh...let me see...that won't be difficult to do...

but for now...it is dinners, plays, drinks and my friends (and family) showing me much love...

but back to christmas...as much as i love my birthday celebrations every year...there is a tiny part of me...excited about the first glimpse of my tree...the twinkling lights...and most important...celebrating the birth of my Lord and Savior...now that is the birthday celebration of the year!

highs and lows..combined...

what a strange week it has been - as i woke up this morning and thought about what to write...i couldn't really pin-point the right way to describe the week...

in one way it has been so wonderful...there has been a lot of wonderful chats with friends...on the phone and face to face...time spent with family...which brought a lot of laughter...re-connected with some friends from the past through facebook...and in that did alot of reminiscing and laughing...which led to more phone calls and coffee dates...celebrated in a friends wonderful news...

and in all that...i realize how incredibly blessed i am...i realize i have a lot of people in my life who, for whatever reason...love me very much...i don't pretend to understand it...but i do not take it for granted...

i think it is for this reason...that in the transition period of my life...that is has been the love of my friends and family...that i have been able to keep on...keeping on...

i call it a transition period for no other reason than not knowing what else to call it...there have been so many moments this week - where i thought i was finally catching a break in areas in my life...and it wasn't till the last moment...that i stood as they crumbled before me...almost like someone was playing a cruel cruel joke on me...but no one was playing a cruel joke on me...it was just the circumstances and how they played out...

no one to blame...although i do remember thinking that this was it...finally some of the work i had been doing was paying off...but just as soon as i saw the potential in front of me...the programs had changed...and i was sitting on nothing once again...

there is a little bit of frustration...a little bit of worry...but it is manageable...and that is the part that sometimes is hard for me to grasp...i know that i know that God has got everything in control...i don't know how...i don't know where...i just don't know...and every moment this week...where i thought...this is it...and watched it crumble...right before my eyes...i had to look up to Him...and say...i'm still trusting you...

and i do...i really do...i know that i am to learn from this experience...not sure what...but i'm open to whatever...whatever it is...if anything...i have learned to completely rely on Him...and maybe that is what i need to learn...

so coming out of a week that has had a mixture of such highs and such lows...i hold on to the fact that He will never give me more than i can handle...i find that i am able to handle a lot more than i thought...and i am able to do it with a good attitude...and as i say that...i am not boasting...just making a point that it is only through Him that i am able to smile and feel good in the midst of some not so good situations...

i do not believe that the many friends i have are a coincidence...and yes...i know that friendship takes work...and i have always worked at the relationships God has placed in my life...i have not taken them for granted...and in the times where i need them most...they surround me...

i heard an interview a while back where the actress had come out of a bad season...and she said..."it's a situation where the rug was pulled out from under me all of a sudden. but just as suddenly, my friends threw another rug back under me."

that is truly how i have been feeling...my friends and family continue to surround me and shower me with love...and in that...i am able to face another day and all that it brings me...

this morning my devotion talked about psalm 131

in the message...writer eugene peterson puts it this way: “God, I'm not trying to rule the roost, I don't want to be king of the mountain. I haven't meddled where I have no business or fantasized grandiose plans. I've kept my feet on the ground, I've cultivated a quiet heart …” (Psalm 131:1-2a).

psalm 131 ends with David urging us to place our trust and hope in God. So today, I will not hope in my ambitions or grand plans for the future, nor will I desire an always-easy path so I don’t have to face difficulty. Rather I will leave all that to Him and I will simply stand at God’s side, ready to explore my day.

my circumstances have not changed...if anything...they have gotten a little worse...but i know that He is right here by my side...and i know that He has placed these wonderful friends and family strategically in my life...

right now...i want to continue cultivating a quiet heart...so that i may hear and know His voice and His direction in my life...

thoughts on forgiveness...

as i think back over the week - i realize that i have had about six separate indepth conversations with different friends about forgiveness...there are a lot of hurting people out there...and the question always comes up..."how can i forgive them after they hurt me so bad"?

i will never sit here and say i am an expert on forgiveness...lets face it...sometimes it is the hardest thing to do....but...we are called to forgive...just as our Father has forgiven us...

we live in a world where so many people are walking around hurt and angry...the truth is...that every one of us has been hurt at one time or another...

the command to forgive is hard in that many times we do not want to forgive...we want justice...we want the other person to know how much they hurt us...we may even want to hurt back...

i decided to look back on my notes over the years on forgiveness...these are the highlights...they are taken from sermon notes and books i've read...

why forgive??

first and foremost...forgiveness reflects God's character...
what a way to show the Father's love...forgive as HE has forgiven you...forgiveness gives us the opportunity to extend to others what God has extended to us...

i think one of the hardest things about forgiveness is battling with the idea that we are excusing someone or letting them "get away with" what they did...
proverbs 19:11 says "it is more honorable to bury an injury than to revenge it. wrath denotes weakness; a noble heroic spirit overlooks a petty offense."

one of the best ways to show someone the wrong they have done is to contrast their actions with grace.

forgiveness also releases us...people who refuse to forgive hurt themselves...unforgiveness always leads to bitterness and resentment...

one of the best quotes i have ever read on forgiveness...comes from thomas watson's book 'the Lord's prayer'
"when have we truly forgiven? when we strive against all thoughts of revenge; when we will not do our enemies mischief, but wish well to them, grieve at their calamities, pray for, seek reconciliation with them, and show ourselves ready on all occasions to relieve them. this is gospel-forgiving."

wow...

forgiveness has taken place when we can honestly seek good for the other person...
it is when we make an effort to restore a relationship rather than avoid the relationship... forgiveness has taken place when past actions no longer hold a place in our hearts and mind... forgiveness is real when hate is replaced by love...

sometimes forgiveness takes time...sometimes you may think you have forgiven and moved on...only to have something spark a memory of the hurt you felt...and you are in the place that you need to deal with it again...

forgiveness is a decision of the mind and the heart which must be reaffirmed over and over...

henri nouwen says...
"But God's forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life. It calls me to keep stepping over all my arguments that say forgiveness is unwise, unhealthy, and impractical. It challenges me to step over all my needs for gratitude and compliments. Finally, it demands of me that I step over that wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put a few conditions between me and the one whom I am asked to forgive."

finally...we must understand that the act of forgiveness does not guarantee that the relationship will be restored...the person we forgive may not even see anything they need to be forgiven of....they may even seem indifferent to the pain they have inflicted...ultimately...forgveness may not affect the other person at all...

but...we must extend forgiveness...none the less...it is an act of trust toward God...we forgive because we choose to do what is right...not for the response we hope to get from the other...

we also need to realize that we cannot wait for someone else to make the first move...
we may feel the person who offended should be the one to make the first move...
however, the Lord gives us no such rule...the rule the Lord gives us is simply this: forgive as I have forgiven you...God made the first move toward us...

max lucado sums it up best...and in simple words...

"Perhaps the wound is old. A parent abused you. A teacher slighted you. And you are angry.
Or perhaps the wound is fresh. The friend who owes you money just drove by in a new car. The boss who hired you with promises of promotions has forgotten how to pronounce your name. Your circle of friends escaped on a weekend getaway, and you weren't invited . .
And you are hurt.
Part of you is broken, and the other part is bitter. Part of you wants to cry, and part of you wants to fight. The tears you cry are hot because they come from your heart, and there is a fire burning in your heart. It's the fire of anger. It's blazing. It's consuming. Its flames leap up under a steaming pot of revenge
And you are left with a decision. "Do I put the fire out or heat it up? Do I get over it or get even? Do I release it or resent it? Do I let my hurts heal, or do I let hurt turn into hate?" . . .
Resentment is the deliberate decision to nurse the offense until it becomes a black, furry, growling grudge.
Unfaithfulness is wrong. Revenge is bad. But the worst part of all is that, without forgiveness, bitterness is all that is left."

phillip yancey says...
"In the final analysis, forgiveness is an act of faith. By forgiving another, I am trusting that God is a better justice-maker than I am. By forgiving, I release my own right to get even and leave all issues of fairness for God to work out. I leave in God's hands the scales that must balance justice and mercy."

so how do i know when i need to forgive? it is usually in the area that i resist forgiveness the most...
so to my friends who are grappling with forgiveness...

it is time to let go...

it is time to let the grace and love of God work in you and through you...perhaps it is someone you work with...perhaps it is someone from your past...perhaps it is a family member...perhaps it is someone who you thought was your dearest friend...perhaps it is yourself you need to forgive...

it is time to make the decsion to let go...it is time to extend a hand...dare a smile...build a bridge...

what i know for sure about forgiveness is that it is not easy...it is not natural...but when we forgive...truly forgive...we find that a prisoner has been set free...and that prisoner...is us...

to g...with love...

today is my oldest friend's birthday..."oldest" in that she is the one i have known the longest in my beautiful life...

today she is fifty and fabulous!

i was almost two years old when her family got off the ship (after two months on it) from argentina...stepping onto u.s. soil...she was 6 yrs old...and our families did alot together...and we...always remained good friends...

when i think back on all the memories we have had...it truly amazes me at the blessing i have had because of her incredible self...she has been a friend through good and bad times...

she is four yrs older than me...but somehow that never interfered with our friendship...

we laughed together, cried together, got in trouble together ;o), did some crazy stupid things together...shared dreams, disagreed at times...but the friendship never wavered...

oh that all may experience a friendship like this...

so 44 yrs later...i want to tell you g...

i love you so much! my prayers and wishes for you go so deep...i am thankful and blessed to have you in my life...

the memories i have of us...well...so many...always bring a smile to my face...we have lived some incredible moments together...and i'm looking forward to all those to come...

you have been...and still remain...one of my dearest friends...

here is looking at the next 44 yrs!

happy birthday!

closed doors...

i have to admit...i am pretty amazed at my tude these days...i have walked into more closed doors this year...particularly this month...than i have in a very very long time...

just when it seems that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...i face another closed door...i will admit...there is frustration...but it is short-lived...inside...i truly know and believe that the closed door just signifies that there is something else for me...something better? something brighter? something bigger?

not sure right now what the something is...i just know that it is there...and i am waiting on its perfect timing...

all i know right now...is that i am to keep on keeping on....whether i feel like it or not...and that is what i am doing...

for the things that are in my control...for the things that i know that i can accomplish...for the things i know i am called to do...i do...and i do them to the best of my ability...so many of these things seem so trivial...but i know that i need to be faithful in all things...the small and the big...

so until i get to that open door...i will continue to pray and wait...and know...that He has got it all in control.